Day 0: How PMO Turned me Into a Cuckold

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by tryagainextime, Dec 1, 2020.

  1. tryagainextime

    tryagainextime Fapstronaut

    Before the age of 11-14, which was when I discovered porn and masturbation, I used to have so many friends. Female friends in particular. I didn't care that they were female! To me, they were friends, people who I could get along with and open up to. Back then I could open up about anything. After PMO, I started to feel nervous and shy around girls. This was something that I considered to be normal. I let it control my life though. I started to become easily frightened by men who I felt were 'better' than me e.g. bigger, higher status, wealthier. Soon, I became frightened of everyone. Yet I still insisted that this was normal and even set out to find a name for my condition. I thought I was sick because of PMO.

    The women I became friends with were distant towards me, I was distant towards them. They spoke to me and I wouldn't understand anything they were saying. I was lost in the thought that I wanted to open up to them, but they're all the way over on a computer screen. Sometimes I would get so apathetic that I would think of relationships as being disgusting and actually personify the porn industry as being 'someone who cares'.

    I roleplayed a lot back then, so it was a case of 'what do I say to get her to like me'? Slowly I drifted further and further away from myself as I didn't know who I was. I had lost my identity, I couldn't be myself around people. When I did, I would fade back into my head as soon as someone said that I was 'cute' or 'funny'. Women who said this, online or not, would then be picked off by the next most beta guy who was more successful as he used my beta-tivity to his own gain!

    There was a girl who I had a massive crush on in 7th grade. I actually went about telling everyone about her. Her parents were rich and she was popular, so although I didn't realise it at the time, I could've made some really useful connections for work or work experience. Do you know what I, ungrateful little shit no.1, said to her? You're ugly. She ran back to her room and cried. Why was she ugly? Because she didn't look like that one girl I saw on the Hub.

    I started to get very unconventional fetishes; I liked women who covered their faces and women who were fat and had short dyed hair. You would call these women 2/10s, freaks or whatever. I 'fell in love' with some of these demented freaks that dare call themselves porn actresses. I would make love to my phone screen with a picture of a blue haired hippopotamus lying on its back. Do you know what was even worse? Every type of woman that I became accustomed to online REJECTED me in real life. I put myself in a third person perspective by fantasising over them and placing them upon a pedestal. I was never the man with the woman, whenever I masturbated I never actually imagined that it was my cock which led me to believe that I was gay. So I started fantasising over men and guess what happened? They rejected me in real life too!

    The worse part is that I decided to talk to one of those dyed puffer fishes again. I spammed her until she agreed to roleplay, spammed her until she agreed to go out, spammed her to stay with me after expressing how sad I feel that I'm not being my true self. I said some stupid things, among the stupidest was my plea for her to stay by saying that I liked to fantasise with her being with other men. So she started to tell me about her experiences. It wasn't fake though, I was in a fictional relationship with her online so how could I have imagined myself being with her? I didn't believe it because it wasn't real!

    After discovering the redpill, half of the blue-pilled reality put into my head by porn went away. The other half came back whenever I watched porn. Hypergamy, the strategy women use to attract higher quality male partners, was being operationalised by me to some extent. I used to take pride (and still do, but I need to stop this) in being a 'matchmaker' for women. I will say to the woman 'why don't you go out with x' and they would usually go out after that. I would actually like those women 90% of the time, but I felt as though it would be wrong of me to like them. 'I'm not the guy you see in the porn videos, so why should I have women?'

    TL;DR: PMO turned me into a cuckold because I felt as though I was looking at the world through a third-person perspective which made all of my goals and aspirations seem unrealistic.
  2. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    Glad you're deciding to make a change in your life.

    Some things from an outsider to your life

    1. Maybe insulting women isn't the porn's fault - you seem to do it a lot. It's not their fault you were attracted to them, or the fact that they can make a living online, or how they look. Puffer fishes and freaks - yikes man, they're just women.
    2. Red-pill stuff is garbage and something guys use to blame their problems on. Don't fall into that trap
    3. Quitting porn can be a great decision - however, if not coupled with actual self-examination and emotional workshopping, it's just slapping a new coat of paint on a broken car.

    Good luck!

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