Day Two

Hi everyone,

Sorry in advance for this long essay. This is my second day without PMO. I'm 28, and I've been watching porn and masturbating daily (sometimes more) since I was 12 or 13 (it's been so long, I can't even remember!).

Porn really messed me up because it wasn't until I was 21 that I ever was with a woman. I had performance issues that night, which I assumed stemmed from alcohol at the time. Now, I realize it may have been the result of my porn use and frequent masturbation.

The reason I decided I needed to join this forum is that I've been wanting to quit porn since I met my girlfriend of almost two years. When we first started dating, I was having performance issues. About 4 months in, I told her about how long I had been watching porn and masturbating regularly, and how inexperienced I was with women. She was so understanding and non-judgmental. We took it slow, and I explored various sites like yourbrainonporn, and tried half-heartedly to quit. But, I didn't really focus enough energy on it, and never made it passed 20 days. I basically felt like it was so ingrained that it was going to be impossible.

Eventually, the ED went away, and I was still watching porn, so I figured things were okay. I still had problems like delayed ejaculation sometimes, but I continued to PMO daily. However, Wednesday night, my girlfriend and I watched a video about porn addiction and relationships (it randomly played after another video we watched on Facebook!). I felt such guilt and shame, that I came clean to her. It was the worst night of our relationship. We both cried a lot, and neither of us slept She told me she was freaked out at how many naked women I had seen. And I think a huge amount of pain for her was because I kept this all a secret. And she asked "If we hadn't happened to watch that video, would you have never told me?" I left the next morning, and agreed to give her space, while I figured out what to do.

So, yesterday, I spent hours watching videos on YouTube (mostly Universal Man), and reading "The Reboot Regimen." I started my journal, went on a run, and made my daily/weekly schedule. I woke up this morning feeling super horny, and I used to often PMO right after waking up. This morning, I just told myself: "get out of bed now, and get ready for work." Today, I had a really nice phone call with a therapist, and scheduled an appointment for next week. I got home from a long a day of work tonight, and would normally PMO, but, instead went for a 40 min jog. I'm feeling optimistic, even though I know there will be challenges and bumps ahead. I'm really committed to fixing this part of my life, because I definitely feel that I've used PMO as a mood booster for anything from feeling depressed about my career to just feeling bored. I want to focus my energy elsewhere and improve my life and career and fix my relationship with my girlfriend. I love her so much, and think she's the one. I want to show her that even though I caused her tremendous pain through doing this, that I don't think my behavior was okay, and that I'm working really hard to change it.

It feels like such a weight has been lifted, now that this isn't a secret anymore. Thank you for reading!