Decided to improve my life

Hello to everyone out there and good luck to your journeys. I am a 20 yo male finally noticing some repeated patterns that feel like de ja vu. I want to try and not break any violations of this site so
SPOILER

I want to encourage other people after reading another person story while searching for porn addiction and specifically female domination porn. I intend to upload daily. I am also writing the words as they are and not p instead of porn because I believe that if I want to fight this addiction I must not hide anymore and say things as they are. Here is my WHOLE journey:
I started watching porn as most boys at a young age after learning about it from my high-school friends, at first feeling disgusted to be honest, which sounds normal for a kid and only liked the soft porn with few or no sexual intercourse scenes and just for reasons that back then didn't understood enjoyed the love between a couple and a bit of kissing, cuddling. Which if you ask me even after I got addicted to it, it wasn't too bad because it was like watching a romantic movie to me. Not too long ago unfortunately I got used to it and even worse I got bored and wanted to try something different for once, then the real deal happened. Honestly I don't think I need to go into details about it because except from men to men and illegal age stuff I explored all different perverted stuff that is out there (I just want to clarify that I am not proud for some of that), and since "normal" porn felt boring and fake, that exploration continued till I was 17-18, where I developed a liking for forcing stuff, but honestly ever since I remember myself deep down I liked being treated shitty and made to do things I "didn't" want to but that stuff to happen from a girl (you can see where this is going...). Then around 18 as an introvert programmer (covid period just made things worse) I also discovered the joi and edging categories where it got the experience to a whole other level. That if you ask me is the perfect mental trap to get addicted because you feel like you are not in the control at some level, so you follow instructions while being safe from the fact that she is not physically there to over-push you, so before I know it that was the only kind of porn I was watching and then I also found out about asmr which also did something to my head (ears I know) that I couldn't understand. No big harm there and apart from being addicted I was mentally okay. Until at the age of 19, I found out about the extreme joi that to be honest I was searching to find in those joi videos called femdom and as a submissive I was feeling like I was in paradise (what an irony). Anyway through out the last and this year I have experienced some extreme experiences from anal to cum eating and piss drinking but mental too such as sph and gender transformation (without cross-dressing, just pretending) and losing huge amounts of hours mostly even searching for what to watch, and lately some expenses from a college assignment that I have to re-do, I have said many times that want to quit and started a workout routine that sometimes I had the will to do with the most I could cut off from porn to be a week, I stopped working out after a month. I had even built an app because I am a programmer called jerk calendar that would "allow" me to jerk off and even give me a random femdom video to watch once a week, which at first I could wait because I was respecting the time it took me to develop that app but after 2 weeks I started ignoring it to a point that I was watching femdom porn every day without although allowing myself to orgasm every time. Another issue that I have is since I am a programmer I have to think a lot and sometimes my mind just goes to that humiliation trap feeling harder to stop (but not impossible for sure). Finally I am right here writing this post and wanting to stop watching porn entirely and masturbating to enjoy it. I don't think I am capable of stopping having orgasms because I feel like and correct me if I am wrong that it is less like a smoking/drinking addiction and more towards eating/drinking water since releasing sperm can also happen during your sleep, so whenever I feel like I constantly cannot focus, I want to just take a five minute break to orgasm by myself and then continue what I was doing. Today I had my latest relapse after a 2 day completely off because I was unintentionally not thinking about it thanks to other tasks I had, and it was a bit intense because I once again started searching for a quick video to release I got searching for humiliation joi for 6 hours and after finding a video I almost got caught by my sister jerking to femdom porn. And not that long ago my mom busted me jerking off (I tried last second to cover everything up but was already too late and was an awkward moment for both of us). Which got me thinking the reason I hadn't been caught before was because I was more careful about when to jerk off but lately my addiction was risking everything, but after a few days that thought was gone and I continued like nothing happened.
Now I finally decided to quit for real, so I figured to join a porn addiction forum. Also, since every time I go back to porn is because it has become a routine or feeling bored or feel a bit down, I hope that I can quit because I am not alone anymore and if I go back to relapse I won't just let down myself, but everyone believing in me.
As I said in the beginning too, I intend uploading daily and specifically when I feel the need to orgasm without doing so, to respect the other people that have a stronger will and stop their urges without having an orgasm. I plan on focusing more on my career building apps and specifically a game that I started designing, playing competitive games, listen to music to chill and start working out again to be physically exhausted.

 

Thanks a lot. To be honest even if no-one read this I felt good afterwards because at first I had that common doubt. Will I make it through? Is it possible to cut that huge part of my life? But as I was re-thinking my whole experience to write it I just said I MUST do it and almost all the times that I wanted a release, I was feeling like a different person. Now that I remembered I even one time recorded myself saying I am clean for 1 day and the next day deleting it while laughing and saying I am not addicted, but unfortunately I was just in the denial state, after the last incident though I decided that the longer I don't do something about it, the harder it will be for me to stop. Thanks to that kind of forum I feel like I am in a virtual rehab and have the chance to chat with people that know what is like and personally if I ever have kids I will learn them that passion is everything in life and having a hobby in all ages is important to not get into that trap because for me it all started from pure boredom and curiosity. But aside from that I also have a cousin around that age that I am willing to protect but to my understanding his mindset is completely different from when I was at his age.

 

@James01011980 Thanks for your reply.

I can give you my insights
First of all in the question why they are doing this the obvious answer is the money. BUT apart from that and even though I knew this I didn't stopped they are deep down jealous of our natural masculinity, even themselves have admitted they are "girls" when they are with "alpha males".
Also I agree so much with what you said about we put beauty first and if the pattern of excessive p in teen age and social media (thankfully I am not a part in this) keeps going nothing will change. I recently read you cannot expect different outcomes when you (in this case the people) stay the same.
Stay strong!