Hi everyone. This might be a bit of an essay so grab a drink, yeah? I've decided it's about time I sorted myself out. Because I've finally accepted that I spend an unhealthy amount of time 'sorting myself out'. Bit about me. I'm mid 30s, based in London, UK. Gay and out and in a LTR. I work full time, not in an office. Necessary background bit: I grew up in a small town in the UK during the 80s and 90s. There were (as far as I knew) no other gay people out at school and Section 28 meant the teachers couldn't talk about it even if there were. So I had a very isolated upbringing and didn't know how to find other people like me. Then, when I was about 19 my dad got the internet at home for the first time and that's where it all started to go REALLY wrong. I discovered chat rooms. They were pretty basic back then but suddenly there were all these other people like me. I met a few, went on some dates, usual thing. All fine, at that level. The flipside was that a lot of people in chat rooms were posting links to porn. And I very quickly got very into the porn. Through my adult life, relationships and house moves and bereavements and job changes and everything else, porn stayed constant. There were porn stars that I liked and kept going back to as I knew they got the job done. Fapping was my 'thing' and made me feel safe. And straight after it made me feel safe it made me feel like shit. For all the reasons that I've probably understood for some time but have only recently started to accept. And yet I kept going back to it. More porn. The amateur stuff that came along. HD happened. More chat rooms. Phone sex. All with the same end goal. All horrible. When I think about it - I don't, often - I've wasted years of my life looking for a computer or mobile phone to provide something it is not capable of providing. But every time I'm alone - and sometimes when I'm not - those links, those sites have historically been the first impulse. And now it's time to deimpulsify (that's not a word but you know what I mean). So this (extremely long and rambling) post is my signal to myself and to the world that I'm ready to get on with it. I'm going to start small and get more ambitious - 30 days off should do it to begin with. Then we'll see where we are. If you got this far, thank you for reading. Alex.