Deep Funk when's the right time?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by PJT, Apr 13, 2019.

  1. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    I've been in a deep Funk since I came back from Panama. I'm slowly slipping back to old habits which can culminate in pmo. It didn't happen yet but I've been experiencing chaser effects with drinking going out eating bad and smoking. I'm working on trying to beat this but this feeling for this girl is taking over and gets me sad and back to drinking my sorrows and working myself into a stale mate.

    I told myself that I have to come clean and just ask this girl from work out and tell her that I still have feelings for her . The problem is she won't let me talk to her about that . We talk all the time she asks for my perspective on all the things going on in her life and I feel like she trusts me and still gives me a look like shes attracted to me but I can't be for certain .. she liked me as much as 3 months ago for the better part of 1.5 yrs before that and nothing materialized bc of me and going at attacking pmo withiut her knowing. We got to talking about our feelings for one another and I humiliated her and I don't think she will forgive me for it.

    I think she's right for me and me her. I just have to get it off my chest. My concious is not clear and I need to clear it to either move forward with her or move on with my own life. I dont want to make her feel bad or corner her. I know I can't come on too strong. Part of me says to let it be its for the better. But I'm 35 yrs old and have to just come clean is what the other part says. It's s tough situation and I feel like if it's not favorable to me I have to movey life along and get s new job and not be subject to her every day .
     
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Wait, what is Deep Funk?
     
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  3. A-Dogg

    A-Dogg New Fapstronaut

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    Focus on yourself and try to think about what’s most important to you that’s not about her. If you both get along effortlessly, then don’t worry about it so much. Try not to chase her and do what’s important to you and it will occur on its own time. You could also be aggravating your thoughts with drinking, and not just in the moment, but the following days as well. If you can’t manage to keep it in moderation and it triggers those spells, then maybe try eliminating it altogether.
    Not sure how much that helps, but most importantly know that you’ve got people by your side. Stay strong brother
     
  4. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    So today we finally talked. I told her that I had deep feelings for her ...she looked like she was about to cry but idk and I told her that regardless of what i.am to her she needed to know that these last three months didn't stop me from thinking of her. She told me that she is seeing someone else. Mind you she seen no one for 10 yrs then got upset at me for not taking her out one night andfound someone on a dating app that same night and became intimate with the guy that night. The next day when I found out was when I guess I humiliated her. I wouldn't say humiliate but she would . At the end of it I can't tell someone how they feel they own that so I humiliated her.

    Anyway I told her that we should be friends and that I'm still open to talking to her bit she got to get rid of that guy . I know what it sounds like but wtf how am I supposed to feel. She probably won't come to work tomorrow . I want to quit I'm done working there and I cannot believe this woman's work. I'm shook I'm sad I'm glad for her that she is finding a happiness and I feel helpless at the same time since I won't be able to replace her and all she's done for me these past two yrs that I knew her.

    This feels like grief and I have to deal with the seven stages. I'm in awe shock I'm pissed and I'm starting to feel real depressed. This was my one shot and just like when I was 14 yrs old and missed that layup in tryouts I missed again (last one cut from making the team). I'm 35 now. I just can't find someone like her again .

    If she didn't have such a positive effect I'd be at a bar now I'd be looking for weed or pmo but I can't let the people who helped build me destroy me. I just can't . So I fight still.

    She could have told me she should have told me she didn't tell me. She lied to me saying she thought we were just cordial. Cordial co-workers don't tell each other about their private lives and how they want to move on from their roommate and all the drama that comes with that . They dont seek advice on how to handle it either. I want to say she will come around but she's lying to preserve her dignity with me and probably lying to the other people close to her like her aunt and mom. If I knew them I'd call them personally to show them my truth.

    This hurts. Back of my mind I knew she linked back up with that guy. She promised me she wouldn't . Can you believe she was 10 yrs without a man then some douche bag swoops in on what I was working on for 2 yrs. You don't just abstain for 10 yrs then like a guy only to link with some random on a dating app who you just met. I'm all messed up over this. She left work early bc she didn't want me to talk about it anymore . She really screwed me over I feel. I just don't get people and I don't want to at this point.
     
  5. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    I can't focus and i can't sleep
     
  6. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    This is nuts. Boundaries, respect them.

    I mean this with sincerity... I'd find a therapist if I was you. You're a bit delusional.
     
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  7. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    I have a therapist one and I told her let me speak to her aunt bc I know now that her truth and what she's saying is a lie. I feel like the therapists are the reasons this is not working out .

    I asked her back in January via text that we needed to setup boundaries. She didn't respond to the text .Told me today that she never got it and I can't tell if she's lying or not . It hurts to think she's lying. I want to believe she is not but now I'm skeptical about everything that happened between us these past two yrs. I showed her the text and I couldn't tell if it's the first time she seen it or not. I think she's saying things to feel like she is winning . I'm so upset man. I want to quit my job. The whole place is tainted and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.
     
  8. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    so we talked again this morning. I showed her my laptop and she accepted my text message I sent to her in the afternoon yesterday. My laptop showed a message that I wrote out in hopes of getting her on the phone back in January and or voicemail so that I could get an understanding from her about boundaries. The text message was me stating that I caught feelings for her, deep feelings and that's something that I deal with and that she doesn't owe me anything, it's hard for me to let go but that I will etc. I mean look she's a friend, the only person i confide in in this world that's what makes this tough. Do I want it to be more? yes. Did she want it to be more back in December? yes. Does she now? no. Will she? i don't know but I'm not confident about it.

    Today we spoke I told her that I want to be friends and just bc we friends that doesn't mean that I can't disagree with her. I told her that I don't agree with whom her bf is but that it's her decision to make and live with. She took it well I think bc at the end of the day friends cannot agree on everything. I dont know if she pities me or not which sucks. I couldn't sleep at all last night, but talking made it better. How i feel is out there; i know it won't change her opinion of me atleast it feels like it will not. Whatever though, I start to move forward now. I'm trying to avoid being depressed about it.
     
  9. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man, I'm sorry but I'm super confused. Didn't you write back in march that you weren't sure if feelings were reciprocated on her end? Now you're angry & ready to involve her family because she doesn't want to be with you? You're saving texts & voicemails from her & then whip them out & make her read/listen to them knowing she doesn't want to be with you? Do you not see how this might be a bit overboard? I'm a chick & I can guarantee if some guy did this to me, I'd literally fear for my life. Step back & put yourself in her shoes for a sec. Do you think it was easy for her to turn you down? Do you think it's easy for her to go to work every day & wonder what "proof" is going to be shown to her from months ago?

    I think maybe you are experiencing limerence or unrequited love.... maybe delusions? Whatever it is, you need to get a grip my friend. I'm not sure why you feel the need to prove anything to her or her family. It didn't work out; it's that simple. Why dwell on it? Pick yourself up & start working on you. You won't attract anything when you have anger (which is really fear), resentment, & self-pity energy oozing out of you. It's amazing what happens when you work on you, own your shit & stop blaming, and start thinking positive.

    Just some food for thought. Good luck
     
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  10. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I just want to say, at your stage in life, rejection is bound to be tough and amplified. If you spent 2 years (in your words) cultivating this thing only for some random guy to jump in, seems like you are letting the "random guy" take wayyyy more credit than he is due.

    People go to war over heartbreak, so let's think this out a little and in doing we save lives! lol

    You appear to love her unconditionally, sorry to say this, but if so, you don't get to hold her one-night stand over her head indefinitely. Just tell her you love her and hate the truth of a one-night stand but you've realized that 1 night isn't enough to push you away.

    I love @EatCake advice too, don't go freddy-krueger-stalker mode either, she has to choose you bruh, or you'll feel that you guilt-tripped her into coming back.

    Don't know how old the gal is, but if she's younger than you, give her lots of grace. Most humans need it in order to mature!

    Blessings,
     
  11. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate your feedback. Look, as in life, this is complicated and it's not as simple as what you are saying. In December the day before she was going to take me couch shopping with her roommate she basically cornered me at work and asked that I take her out. I hesitated to say yes, so she got mad hopped on a dating app and found herself a date.

    I just hestitated mind you; before the end of the day I told her we should go out and that I wanted to go out. I basically told her since 12pm that we need to go out. She said it was too late. I tried repeatedly to tell her not to go. I had a bad feeling. The next morning she picked me up, but before she picked me up I really didn't want to go. I knew something happened the night before. She took what I said during the day and said I humiliated her. My argument was pretty much how you going to tell me you like me, then go out with some random guy and then come pick me up the next day and act like nothing happened the day before. ofcourse I wanted to know. I wanted to take you out. So yes, she felt humiliated. BUT we finally admitted to each other our feelings for one another. I apologized how I acted that day, I said look, I said things, I was upset and I felt like eye for an eye. She dropped me home and I thought we might be able to start something, but when she didn't return my texts i knew something was wrong. I saw her the following monday at work, she cried a little, and told me she needs to work on herself and wasn't ready to be in any relationship. I asked her about the guy from the friday night, she said she ghosted him.

    Now middle of December me and her go to some workshop for work, we eat lunch...i tell her at lunch that it would hard to be her friend if she had a bf ..bc honestly I like you and I would be lying to you if I said I want what's best for you if that best wasn't with me. I don't think that was too harsh but she did. Now a couple weeks pass, and she uses what I say against me and basically cuts me off in certain ways. We still text, we still talk, but I can't walk with her to the train anymore, she's not coming to my office to talk etc. I realize that I need to work on myself so on a Saturday (MLK weekend) I unfollow her on IG bc I didn't want to think about her. She in turn unfollows this video chat group I'm in with someone else. It bothered me so I called her. She didn't pick up. I texted her, she didn't pick up. She blocked me. I really pissed her off. I texted her and told her that I wanted to respect her wishes, but that I just needed a clear picture of what the boundaries were.

    She never responded to my text, bc it was blocked. But I didn't know she blocked me. So the next week I give her the cold shoulder at work, cause I can't understand why she didn't text me back. It hurts you know. Like I was hurt. But then by the end of the week she leaves a day early bc she's sick, and then she is out the entire next week. During that time I was just hoping she gets better and gets back to work. When she got back to work we talked and it was like back to normal. I let go of the boundary texts I sent, never brought it up. I was just happy we were talking.

    The week later, the guy she had her one night stand with starts hitting her up, and she ends up now dating this guy..to this day. She only told me this yesterday. So from February to April she basically was being my friend but didn't tell me about this SO. So a month of working on herself then she goes back with the same guy.

    Now I was being respectful of her time she needed to work on herself and of the issues she was having and telling me about her roommate and how she wanted her out of her life (after living together for 10 yrs). She talked to me frequent about it. I was there for her. In my mind she's working on herself the whole time, so yesterday we talk a lot at lunch (just us two work out of this office) and I told her that I still have feelings for her, she tells me shes with the guy she ghosted. her aunt is her bf btw. She tell her everything. When we started going back and forth, I told her that many people in my position would feel how I feel about it, and that "I bet even you aunt would agree" - it was more or less said as a joke. I further elaborated and said if I were to say my side of the story she'd agree. Now is that crossing the line? man i dont know. I said it in the heat of the moment then I repeated it here bc I'm using this to learn. the only "proof" i shown during this convo was her not responding to my text bc she left that out and brought up how I gave her the cold shoulder that whole week.

    Be foreal, is she playing games? sometimes i feel like she is. It might be limerence; bc as soon as I felt the reciprocity slipping I got into this trance. She's also been my number 1 person to talk to out here. No family, no nothing. Just myself in a studio. My network is small. i am awful when it comes to relationships. I do need to work on myself. But I'm saying, I made so much progress these past 2 years and she was a major part of it. I want to say that it's reciprocated, but idk.

    Maybe the need to prove is to make her feel terrible. That's my number one problem, when I feel bad, I want everyone around me to feel worse. I'm not the bigger man like I should be. I left it at I want to be friends, but as your friend I don't agree with your relationship with the other guy, but friends don't have to agree on everything. You deserve better.
     
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  12. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    I mean, he was found on a dating app and she was without sex for 10 yrs. He did the thing within 4 hours maybe of knowing her? I don't want to get too detailed, I don't want to think about it like that. It bothers me man. It makes me feel like sh*t. I'm not trying to hold it over her, but she is with this guy now! lf it was one night I'm good. Now she in a relationship with him.

    I know, I am aware that some of this is sounding like a guilt trip. I just need to find a new person to confide in. That's the hard part for me. I lost my cousin way back were were bf's. He's dead. I was depressed over that for years upon years. I moved after it happened far away from my parents and my family ties. Until she came..that feeling reminded me of what I had with my cousin. We talked all the time, we just clicked. It's the same thing wit her. I'm comfortable around her and her me. We can just talk.

    I got to work on things myself and I *thank you for replying.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I get you man. I appreciated the previous response too, not to make fun, but you have enough material for a good telenovela episode :).

    Look, I actually know what you mean, I travel for work all the time and feel the loneliness you describe.
    Matter of fact I travel to panama several times a year, and I tried using tinder and it was fairly straightforward. I found that the places to go out are few, there's a lot of prostitution (cubans, venezuelans, etc) so it's hard to find genuine ppl to hang out with. It makes sense you find a connection at work, but that's not what I would recommend honestly.

    Don't know if you are into any other activities, but there are plenty of meet up groups, I always though I could join a language club, (I speak spanish, but if you don't or if you want to meet other folks new to the area that would be cool). If you have any interest in religion there is good options there too. Like I said, tinder has been my go to, unless you are outside panama city. I know it gets lonely, so having a buddy to go to the mall and find something that is not seedy is important. I remember I went to a rooftop bar in panama city on like thursday nights, and i had to learn to have fun by myself before I was any fun for someone else.
     
  14. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    what's worse, is that I was looking for jobs to just get away from this whole situation and I found an ad on indeed.com. This ad was mysterious, same neighborhood in DC , same title as my position. They done jacked my resume and put it up as the qualifications for my job! Our company was not listed as the the company needing this fill, but I knew it was. In fact, I opened a folder on my boss desk and see 20 resumes for people for him to look over. I called the owner of my company right away and was ready to quit I kid you not just 30 minutes ago. I told him I worked here for 8 years why you trying to get rid of me. Told him to stop playing dumb. The COO and the VP hate me. Both are women, idk if that has anything to do with it. It's moreso bc i'm stand offish and that they freak out when I start telling them about this rinky dink company they running from a numbers perspective. About 20 days ago they got upset bc I said that we are over budget, their response was that the sales personnel and finance manager (me) who worked on the proposal should start working on the production side bc it was priced wrong. A. it wasn't priced wrong B. that should never be the solution unless you trying to upset people...like we don't have our own work to do.

    The owner, he trusts me, he has repeatedly told me that I am right about 90-99% of the time. Idk if he's just saying that or not but I have been here for 8 years. I dont know man I just want to walk out of here with what's left of my pride. it's been cut all the way down. im trying to get f*cked by two women meanwhile the one I want to f*ck doesn't want it lol. I kid i kid. This situation is putting me in tears now on the real; lack of sleep and going to box yesterday with a bigger man who bopped me upside the heead a couple times will do that to you i suppose. I want out. The walls are closing in.

    ..so yeah telenovela indeed.
     
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  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    loooool! yeah, man there is more options than what your tunnel vision is letting you see here for sure. Too bad I'm far I'd invite you to get a drink and I'm sure I could get you better options... yeah, you got the hard part down (nofap) just gotta do the socializing part. Me I'm backwards... lol.
     
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  16. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    Makes so much more sense now. Thx for the details...

    My advice: listen & trust the universe. It's teaching you a lesson right now. Best of luck :)
     
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  17. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    Thanks brother.
     
  18. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    The only lesson I'm getting from the universe is that I either move in on another man's woman or I do nothing and will be nothing forever . I just don't feel like I'm at that age I can just bounce back. Im cut deeply about this and ultimately depressed over it. It sucks I can't even walk into work with my brave face on.
     
  19. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    aand I just f*cked it all up even more. I remembered that I did give her a present on Christmas. It wasn't much, just some instructions and some glue to make a japanese lockbox. Something she said she was wanting to make before. i gave her a note that said something like when you put your mind to something you can achieve your dream. If you believe then you can achieve" - This happened AFTER i told her about how we couldn't be friends. So ofcourse I bring this up today at work, bc it was just bugging me and told her that if you really felt we couldn't be friends and using this as to why you moved forward then how do you explain off why i gave you a gift from christmas. She wasn't really having any of it. I topped it off with "You can't have your flowers and your glue too" a play off the saying you can't "have your cake and eat it too" . I said it bc this other guy got back in her good graces around valentines day..he gave her flowers i know since flowers were delivered here. I thought it was from her roommate but it makes sense that it was from this guy. Anyway, she damn near left work. I know i shot myself in the foot.

    I think I'm scared to be stuck in depression so i'm just trying to be in denial or bargain i dont even know. It sucks to be alone. I been alone my entire life. It's not even about getting laid, I can count on one finger how many times that happened. I'm slowly realizing that I'm going to be alone forever. I can't complement no one and they me. The joy of being a child is what she brought out of me and me her. We were like kids. Now she's all short and snappy, pretty much an adult full time around me. i can't be playful it's not reciprocated. This hurts. Writing about it doesn't even help. I got this distinct thought in the back of my head to just destroy. Destroy everything. Or just get a car and drive drive to the end of the Earth ( i know the earth is round). Just drive and drive. Don't stop.

    Before I said all this to her, she told me that she was looking for new jobs too. It's like she can't have me get just one win. She point blank told me, she wants out of here before I leave. I obviously want to leave her here in the dust, if for anything my own pride. I don't think we can be friends so long as she with the guy and she wants to go tit for tat. It's not fair to me. It's not fair that i have to be second to someone and she accuse me of putting her second to other people. I told her about the ad on the internet for me spot and she realized, if I'm gone she don't want nothing to do with this place..so now she's applying for jobs and told me today she wants to get out of here asap.

    I feel like her problem is me. So what's the point. And my problem her. So what's the point, we don't need to be around one another.
     
  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    hmmmm You guys are definitely vibing off of each other. In my experience, (of 37 years) lol, I know it sounds crazy, but if she didn't want anything to do with you, she seriously wouldn't care. She still likes something about you, and it might be just your attention, not you yourself.

    Hard to determine when someone likes being liked, and not the person whose liking them, it takes courage to admit it, but immaturity is your enemy here. If both of you can't communicate directly, you'll be doomed to spiral until one person pulls the plug. I'd say take a trip and do your road trip idea, which honestly sounds freaking awesome. Go up to chitre, or someplace where you can just be in nature and pass the weekend; find a hostal up there and just veg. you will do yourself good to think.
     

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