Different wiring???

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by hardowner, Sep 26, 2018.

  1. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Just some questions and some thoughts...

    I'm that person that you see sitting and mostly listening to others rather than talking. This is me in real life and this part of me is also reflected in this forum. I spend hours every day mostly reading and rarely posting. However, I just feel the need now to say some things. Why? Because I can. I have nobady to talk to. I am isolated. Sometimes I talk to strangers on Omegle. Now I will just talk to anyone that is listening...

    Some triggers included.

    Last night, I was struggling to sleep. At some point I brought to my mind the Viber avatar of a hot girl I met on Omegle. I fantasized having passionate sex with her. I got rock hard, but I didn't M. I just released my shaft so that it could erect freely in my pyjama.

    Tonight, the TV was playing the movie "Eyes wide closed". It included orgy and sex scenes. I didn't get an erection, the top was 10%.

    The point is that I managed to get an erection with fantasy, but not with sex scenes. Is this a good or a bad sign? Is my brain wired more to fantasy than pixels? Am I doing something wrong? Should I change something?

    This is my longest streak during nofap, I've never relapsed and I never will. I had terrible moments dealing with PIED, trying to get hard, no matter if I was with prostitutes or my ex gf, who I loved very much.

    Another issue is that the time I used to waste PMOing, is now wasted to nofap, YT and other forum. Tomorrow, I will check the other forum and my emails after I get up. I think it could be used as a motivation. No more. At night, I will come here to check my alerts, new posts and update my journal. I will watch some YT videos as well. No more.

    That's all for now. Thanks for your attention...
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
  2. the promise

    the promise Fapstronaut

    216
    402
    63
    I know how sad it is to not feel listened to or heard to you must be a very wise person always listening ure fantazation with avatar is because the brain can creat any circunstance it wants to give you what you want and thats horrible because you feel as real life is boring is just that you have a greater motivation .. And ure rigth now that i think about it fhe time we used to be on pornography we now spend it here dind saw that but were earching for motivation like kids looking where to grab to start walking is my 16 day of not MPO but yes somtimes i want to feel somefriction and fantazize about some stuf wich i dont support but i stop inmidetly cheers bro there will always be somone who listebs dont just look at the maykrity
     
    hardowner likes this.
  3. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    You're right. Actually, fantasy is a porn created by the brain exactly the way it wants it. So, I should quit fantasy. Thanks for replying bro...
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2018
  4. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Haven't updated my journal for almost a week. The reason is that I sleep the time that I used to journal. I changed my schedule, I sleep earlier and wake up earlier. Last night, I had many dreams. I cuddled and had romantic moments many times with many girls, I think that I also kissed. I didn't have sex or wake up wet. I've been thinking about my ex gf all day...
     
  5. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    201
    167
    43
    Totally normal. A lot of porn don't turn me on but a pretty girl with some features I like without showing much skin can turn me on a lot. Another example, sometimes I'm more turn on by my gf than some other days.

    Good job on posting your question btw.
     
    hardowner likes this.
  6. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Last days I feel terrible. I hate my life. These changes that destiny keeps forcing to me. My parents keep me chained without even using chains. They keep me locked without even using locks. They keep me gagged without even using duct tape. I've been defeated. They don't let me grow up. They don't let me open my wings. I don't even know if they even realise it. I just wake up, take my medication and spend all day on my laptop. My scoliosis has worsened. My body has shrunk. This is mind control. I'm wasting my life. They control everything. I'm their little baby locked inside my room...
    I wanted to leave last August, but the parents have their way to infiltrate their children's brains. They didn't want me to leave yet and convinced me that the idea was mine. Luckily, the fleet crew officer called my in July and asked me to leave. But my medical exams didn't agree with me. A couple of hours before leaving, everything was canceled. The doctor said that I would be out of action for approximately 2 months. I got frustrated. My parents got delighted...
    Two months later and my medical exams weren't accurately within the limits. I had to wait a few more days and repeat them. They finally got fine. My doctor said that I'm ok, so I informed the medical department. They replied that I'm fit for duty. I called the fleet crew officer. He didn't answer. I called him again later. No response. I called him the following day. He answered, so I informed him that I'm ready and that the doctor said I'm fit for duty. He said that we would talk again. I've been waiting for his call. He hasn't called yet. Come on. Take me out of here. Aboard the vessel I'm an officer that everybody respects. I give and follow orders. I have duties. I'm nobody's baby. I'm a powerful man. I manage the engine room. I hand over and take over watches...
    I really don't know what will happen after signing off. Will I man up? Will I stay in the prison without bars? I want to do things in my life. I've turned 24 without even realising it. I want to have my own house. My parents object to it and they have their way to make me feel guilty. I want to upgrade my driver's license, so that I'll be able to buy a bigger scooter. They have their way to trigger my procrastination. I want to have my body adjusted by a chiropractor. I want to join a gym. I want to join a boot camp. All these are plans that have turned into dreams. The spotlight and the drone are over my head all the time.
    I'm not a stupid person. I'm very clever, smart and intelligent. Ok, many times I'm sooooo innocent that I don't realise that something is going on behind my back. I'm an engineer. I'm an officer. I work for one of the best shipping companies. This is my life. I will have my place, my scooters, my GF, my friends, my body in shape. No spotlights, no UAVs. Privacy. I just need a good plan. The engineer will make it. Stay tuned, it will be here soon...
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  7. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    The fleet crew officer called me today. I'm leaving. The bad news are that I will go to a ship type that I've never been before. I will start from zero. I will depend on others. Stress 110%.

    Not yet...
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  8. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    I've made a plan. It's not the final, but it's better than nothing. I've been onboard for 3 months and 10 days. My contract lasts 4 months so, depending on the possibilities for crew changes, I could sign off in less than a month.

    First of all, I have to see an allergist. I have to find out what creates all these problems. Also, I have to see a psychologist, as I have to find a way to improve my life. Finally, I want to go to a chiropractor and have my joints cracked.

    I have to have my scooter serviced and inspected. I want to join a gym. I want to upgrade my rider's license and buy a huge scooter. Finally, I want to rent a house and live my life. Spend time with one of my best friends, go on scooter trips and why not, find a GF. NoFap is going to be here for ever...
     
  9. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Already done. Delayed Pressure Urticaria (DPU) and dermographism. Allergy tests in progress...
    Done. The scooter rocks...
    All these will be done after moving away from home. I'll try to escape by the end of March. Fasten your seatbelts...
    Of course. This is my new way of life. My counter is something I can be proud of... :cool:
     
    Coffee Candy and Deleted Account like this.
  10. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I wish you all the luck in the world getting out of your parents house. I have Crohn's disease and other health issues, and live here with my disabled girlfriend. It works out well but have to admit, my parents do spoil me and I believe there is so much more I can do with my life and this is what I want to do. Thanks for your positive outlook and wanting and doing something positive about succeeding and doing the things you want to do in your life. Congrats and good luck.
     
    Rehab101 and hardowner like this.
  11. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Pffffffffffffffffff...

    My boring life keeps being wasted. At least there's a hope for some change now. I was invited by the training department of the company in a training session on a simulator. The premises are 440+ km from home. I decided to travel with my scooter. I didn't care about the weather. But after approximately 30 km, I noticed a malfunction. I stopped at the toll station and while I was waiting for my change, I heard a knocking noise. Thought it might be the truck behind me. But it wasn't. It was my transmission... I pulled over and tried to find the cause. I decided not to take the risk, return home, take my brand new car and have my scooter checked later. I kept riding until the next rest area. I stopped to check if the noise persisted. It did. I left the rest area and made my decision: I've got road side assistance in my insurance contract and I'm not in rush. I WILL CRUSH IT!
    Every time I stopped at toll stations, I could hear the noise. It must be the driving belt hitting somewhere. I arrived at my destination. I don't care about the noise. I trust my scooter.

    Today, I managed to get in touch with a real estate agent. I asked him to check a house that I like. It could be the one. Lets see...
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    The agent didn't call me. I tried to call him, but he wasn't available.

    I wanted to go to the meetup of some friends, but my plans were destroyed by a thunderstorm. Hundreds of thunders striked the city today and some people got injured. Thanks to my remaining fading madness, I put my waterproof riding gear on, the navigation application on my cellphone and set off. I missed an intersection somewhere, so I got trapped in the traffic. The roads were wet and slippery. We had some coffee and went for some burgers and club sandwitches.

    Later on, we went for street racing. We had a nice time and stayed until the police started showing up too often. So, we moved a few meters away from the point and relaxed there for some time. We laughed a lot, teased each other and had a great time.

    The fact is that I couldn't laugh. It was like my thought was lost somewhere. I don't know what is this. I believe that the depression is hitting me like never before. I feel that my resources get depleted.

    After saying goodbye, I headed to the hotel. I changed my mind the moment I arrived outside the hotel. I was exhausted, as I slept late after a 4+ hour ride, woke up early and had a very demanding day. But I couldn't go to the hotel room. I decided to go to the harbor. I do this when I come here. But I got lost. I just went wherever I could, without any sense of orientation. Finally, I saw the sea and managed to find it. I knew that place. I used to pass from there often last summer. This way I found the way to the harbor. There's a dock that I like stopping and gazing the sea, the lights, the ships, the lighthouses.

    But this is not the real reason I go there. There are also other cars there. Some people go fishing. But most importantly, there are groups of young people there. So, I park my bike a few meters far from them, as I don't want to annoy them. I set it on the center stand and gaze. I hear them talking and laughing. I hear the music they play on their cars' sound systems. I just stay there and imagine myself with them. I imagine what I could have said if I was told what they say. I admire them. They have fun. I just stand there alone.

    They made plans for next Sunday. Of course, I was not included. I'm just a stranger. A passer by. A biker with his riding gear and his face barely visible, that didn't even look towards them. A useless person with very low value. I've never imagined that my life would get so shitty. An endless loop of mental torture. A mercyless punishment. Maybe I don't deserve any better. Maybe this is my conviction. Maybe I have no reason to exist. It's futile. It doesn't get anywhere. Why am I like this? Who destroyed me? Is there anything I can do? Who knows...
     
    Coffee Candy and Deleted Account like this.
  13. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Today was slightly better day. I got my seaman's book back. I didn't do well at the asessment. Maybe I failed it. At least I tried. The real estate agent didn't answer my calls. The son of a bleach...

    Early in the night, I called one of my best friends. When I told him that I'm close, he got delighted. So he invited me for fast food dinner. I put my riding gear on, filled up my gas tank and rolled like a maniac.

    His dog was very happy to see me. We went to the next village and had dinner in a fast food restaurant. Later, I asked him to take us to a place with nice view. So, he stopped the car at midnight, in a place that looks like valley and is located near a German graveyard of WW2. Breathtaking view. Some lightnings were visible in the distance. We stayed quite a bit there and talked about many things.

    Finally, we returned to his house in order to take my bike, which was parked there. When I departed, it started raining. However, the rain wasn't so intense and didn't last many kms. I rode carefully and there was almost zero traffic.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2019
    Coffee Candy and Deleted Account like this.
  14. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    And some photos:

    In full gear, with the helmet flipped up and VPS down

    WP_20190418_22_02_03_Pro (2).jpg

    With helmet closed and VPS down

    WP_20190418_22_02_18_Pro (2).jpg

    With helmet closed, VPS up and steamy visor :D

    WP_20190418_22_02_59_Pro (2).jpg

    With this gear, I can ride for hours. Tested in heavy rain, cold, sun. The helmet is ventilated, so when I move, the visor doesn't get steamy under normal conditions. If it does or if I stop, I flip the helmet up or open the visor. This is what kept me dry tonight when I rode in rainy weather. Ride safely...
     

    Attached Files:

  15. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Just one of my favorite photos...

    [​IMG]
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  16. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
  17. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    The plan is stuck here, so all the following didn't happen. I have 3 weeks left, maybe less. FAIL...
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  18. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    Just a normal day over the Aegean sea...

     
  19. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

    545
    795
    93
    It seems like something is reborning. I eye witnessed it last night. I don't know if it will succeed. However, I'm not very optimistic, as I've seen it many times in the past and was just temporary. So, I don't take it for granted. I don't even rush to support it. I'll see how it goes. Maybe because I don't want to get disappointed again, or because I don't find any pleasure in it. Depression.
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  20. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

    370
    314
    63
    You are overthinking, plain and simple.

    Sexual response is convoluted at best, as long as you respond normally during times you want to respond - you have nothing to worry about.
     
    hardowner likes this.

Share This Page