Disappointed in myself.

I honestly feel like a bit of an animal. Lately, I've had no luck with NoFap. Longest I went was 3 days. I also have a new girlfriend, online, but we're very serious about meeting and plan to once Corona passes and thinks more or less normalize. I however am very insecure about my penis. Both its size, look/skin color, and my ability to get hard. I've told her some trauma's of my past and she's been extremely loving and understanding, but I've not been able to show her my whole penis yet, I've only showed through my boxers or just the head. The skin is darker in places and a bit rough at the edge of the foreskin due to too much dry masturbation. Its dark with slight lichenification.

So, as a way to at least go a week without masturbating and also treat this, I've decided to use saliylic acid. 17%, its safe enough to use. Its basically wart remover but can also be used on the skin. Its tough to apply though because it coagulates extremely quickly, which i learned the next day when I thought I'd applied all over, but really it was just streaks. However, it is working. The skin has turned brown and dead, looks like a zombie dick in some places, but the skin underneath is new, and pink. So its working. However, on the 3rd day, I broke. I jerked off like 3 or 4 times. I was just so horny and the thing is I'm almost never like, rock hard when I'm masturbating either.

During online sex, I'll frequently lose my erection which makes the prospect of showing my girlfriend terrifying. I'm so shy and nervous that even just the thought of showing myself makes my erection go away most of the time. I'm sure over time she could possibly improve it by building my confidence but I've just never been confident that way.

Anyways, its pretty uneven, so I'm going to need to reapply very carefully and liberally and wait another week. My girl is amazing but this is simply too embarrassing to talk about, and even when my dick is hurt and healing, I still can't seem to resist masturbation. Sucks big time. I'm not gonna let it kill my whole mood, I know I can do better. Its just disappointing. I feel like I'll never truly get over this one hurdle. My dick always looks extremely small to me, even when I'm at my max which is just over 18cm. I see it and its like, ew, what a pathetic dick, what girl would be excited for that, and its boner begone.