Dreams

I've always had these funky ass dreams, that I start to overcomplicate and start thinking endlessly about. Bascially, this story started when last year, it was my last year of high school (I'm 19), there was this girl I knew and I guess I kinda liked her, I've never been an emotionally open person and I've only ever really liked 2 girls in my life, one was a stupid crush when I was younger, and this girl was my second. I never told her about it, and we never talked that much, I just felt that we had a connection from our numbered interaction in real life. After a while I forgot about it, but after going back to Instagram after deactivating it for a year, seeing her posts and stories kinda triggered all my memories and feelings for her. I feel like I have created a perfect picture in my head that just isn't true. The gist of the story is this, last night I had a dream about her, I was basically in trouble fighting addiction (I was fighting a smoking addiction in my dream even though I don't smoke), and she was my saviour, after I relapsed (in the dream) she came up to me, told me that she liked me and kissed me and everything felt good in that moment, it felt so real. Then I woke up, I started kicking myself because I thought it was so real, I was honestly devastated when I woke up. I've also been thinking about this dream all day, thinking what it all signifies. My subconscious basically created this fairy tale story and I've been tackling the why of it. I've been struggling with loneliness for a while, it's really difficult for me to talk to people and make friends, and the few people that get through my thick walls eventually get driven away by me. Idk how posting this here would help, but at the very least I've expressed myself, the anonymity of it all helps as well.
Thank you for taking the time to read through all that.

 

I don't really know if she is, but the thing is I don't want to be in a relationship right now, and even if I did, she's studying in a different country now so I just don't see the point in talking to her.

 

That's actually really reasonable, idk why the hell I didn't think of that, thanks!