Easy To Justify Being Lonely

CaptinCaveMan · Sep 20, 2016

I guess in the process of stopping pmo. The issue of being single and how long I've been single comes up in my mind. I guess, to some degree I'm living a nightmare of what I and other teens and twenty years olds swear to prevent.

Not having sex with a woman and being 44 years old. To say I haven't had opportunities to have sex would be a lie. In my 20's I could have several times but choose not to. More because of fear of STD and generally just scared. I didn't want it to change me.

In my mid 20's I tried to have sex but that didn't seem to work. I had erection problems and it was a set-up by some friends. So I felt my every move with her was being watched (gossiped about). Plus she said, "we would have beautiful children together". If that doesn't kill a boner than I don't know what does.

After that I made it to my mid 30's and dated a co-worker. I'm not sure what happened with that. She moved to fast? I don't know. I just couldn't do it. We were both in my bed naked and I laughed and she left. I didn't mean to laugh. I didn't mean for her to go. We had only been on 3 dates. I didn't expect here to take off her clothes and try to have sex with me.

I know I like being single to a degree. At the same time after not dating for so long. I feel desperate and hopeless. I continue to fall into the trap of pmo again and again. I struggle with that mental trap of being lonely; justifying pmo as a need. To some degree I enjoy it and find peace of mind at the other end I find emptiness, no job, no money, and no future.

Ideas, tools, etc.?

shrike · Sep 20, 2016

I'm 31 and, well, because of cultural, personal, and social reasons, I'm a 'wizard' too.

During my late twenties, around the time when most of my friends have got married, moved out, have children, etc. (as a reference, I live in Asia, so the norms might be different compared to your place) I had the same thoughts too. More than once I considered doing it with escort services. But then again, it just felt... wrong. To put it simply, just losing it wasn't really what I wanted. Especially after hearing people often saying how it can be overrated.

So, I gave it some further thought. Then I came up with the following conclusions.

If one day I do it, I'll be doing it solely, mostly for her, not for myself. (Let's just say I assume that at this point, I no longer particularly care about doing it. I'll be doing it more as a duty rather than necessity.)

'Things in the process' would go well as long as the reboot process goes well. (I mean, I think any erection problems will be handled as long as you do NF.)

Nevertheless, I'm on the "One day, you should build a family!" camp. So I think it's best if you don't give up on building relationships.

I mean, it's not just about things in bed. But for other reasons too.

But yeah, it is hard once PMO has become a habit. Most of my relapses are caused by thoughts like this. So recently, I've been trying to strengthen my mind by reinforcing positive habits and writing stuff.

CaptinCaveMan · Sep 20, 2016

Thanks Shrike,

What do you mean by "One day, you should build a family!"?

At my age I don't want children.

I can relate in the way that all my friends or past friends have children and started families of their own. I don't really fit in their lives anymore. I'm not sure what happens to friend ships as we age. They certainly don't seem to be the same as when we were younger. I guess I'm unsure of my current path. I don't know what I'm going to do for job/career, relationships, and/or loneliness.

I use to have a goal 10 years ago but was fired from my job. Clueless at this point. Life becomes more difficult without a purpose or hope of a future.

shrike · Sep 20, 2016

Uh, I was actually talking about an Asian cultural thing. To put it simply, personally I'll prefer to build a family because it feels like it'll have more purpose. But let's not debate about that.

But then again, in the end, I really don't know.

You know, back in 2012, during the craze about the presumed end of the world, I once thought that with death, all human beings will inevitably end up alone. Death will come to anyone. Regardless of whether we're young or old, rich or poor. Then I guess the best way to prepare for death is to just try to not have any regrets.

Since then, I hated having regrets. I hated myself for assuming things that I just hadn't known about. Or for forcing myself to believe that something is definitely right. Maybe they were just thoughts when I was being slightly suicidal. But they might have some truth in it.

I end up deciding that even though we all would end up alone (i. e. that separation, in the end, is inevitable), it doesn't necessarily mean we'll never see each other again.

Again, I don't know and can't know for sure.

Some day, maybe someone might need you out there. You just can't see it right now, and all you need to do for now is to just prepare. Maybe like how Bruce Wayne figured that some kid in Gotham will need assistance from Batman?

It's hard when the older guys lose hope in the game. For me, it really is.

CaptinCaveMan · Sep 20, 2016

Right I see your point. A lot of people believe having a family and/or building relationships is their purpose in life.

I took a class in college called "Death a Part of Living" I didn't find any real answer in that class. I guess my mind of late takes me to dark places. Later I found a video clip by Alan Watts called, "The Real You". You may have seen it. Living in Asia you may have similar beliefs; I don't know. He is basically translating things into Hindu I think. I'm not all that religious but I use what I find.

I would check out the video. It's only about 4 minutes. Alan Watts died in 1972 I think but he is a good philosopher in my opinion.

Ugh, I've been up all night. Couldn't sleep. Thanks for messaging me back.

shrike · Sep 20, 2016

You're welcome.

Actually, about the thoughts I've been having, I realized them from playing the Persona games rather than from religion. But they kind of do share the same or similar point.

Sorry if I couldn't help much. I hope you find what you're looking for.

CaptinCaveMan · Sep 20, 2016

Shrike,

At this point no one can help me all that much. Just having conversations and sharing insight as they arise I think is the best we can do for each other.

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Easy To Justify Being Lonely

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