Emotional arousal...anxiety?

When I was younger I can recall maybe the first and second time when I was about to have sex I couldn't perform because I was nervous. I remember once I felt comfortable with the girl I was fine. Once I was in love I had an erection just by hearing their voice over the phone.

I am 35 now. I am very healthy. Diet and exercise both. I am certain that this is not a health issue. I can get an erection with porn and by masturbating without porn (although this is more difficult). I did suffer from an addiction to porn for awhile, but I'm fine now.

My issue is every time I'm about to have sex with a woman I go soft.
-We make out then attempt sex...I'm soft
-I give her oral then attempt sex...I go soft

This is with women I have not gotten close to so I can think that maybe I am nervous (especially after going soft with so many women multiple times) and not having that comfort with them because I am not emotionally attached. I have been dating a woman for 17 months and I am still not attached to her emotionally. I am able to get a partial erection, but I feel it's due to me not being attracted to her...attracted enough. I used to be able to have sex with whomever whether I was attracted to them or not.

Is this still part of the recovery or flat-line?

I do have an ex that I can talk to or think of and get an erection. We have been talking again and...I love that I am getting erections. She lives far away so it's only through the phone. To me she is so beautiful and sexy it drives me crazy.

Am I just attached to her....still?

I have done a ton of research and cannot find the answers I need

 

Anyone out there?