Who knows why we like what we do. What have your interactions been like with women in the real world? Do you think these desires are purely porn induced? Or do you think they are earlier and deeper?
No interactions with women in the real world (this means: no kisses, no hugs, no girlfriend, no sex, no touching, absolutely nothing) Desires are not porn induced as I was having them before I started watching porn
It's exciting to say it the least, it's kind of like trying out drugs or other risky things. Vanilla sex is nothing exciting for me, because it's essentially just PIV. But just add trying out anal, and there's excitement. I guess I just have a kinky personality and that's it.
Well do they bother you these desires? If so how come? Also, do you think having a real life girlfriend would make you feel better? If so, have you done anything to try to get one?
As I already said: I don't want a relationship, I don't crave having a gf. I think you can describe me as an "aromantic heterosexual". I've never understood all the fuzz about romance and love. I think a gf would genuinely be a disturbance in my life. So I would feel worse having one than being single. Why these kind of desires are bothering me? Because of religion primarily, and because it makes me behave and think like an animal.
At the time when your sexuality woke up, that was the time your problem got connected/entangled with your.sexuality. What you needed was a healthy mother. Your brain mixed that healthy need together with your sexual system. That's how fetishes are born. You have the task to dismantle this toxic entanglement. This! You have a difficulty with showing your vulnerability. Vulnerability needs safety. You should read "vulnerability" from Brene Brown.
This makes sense, because at that time I started fapping I was bullied at school, and my parents told me to just "ignore them". Maybe it's kinda linked to that? Like that "sexual mommy" comforting me after a hard day (whether due to general stress, bullying, or whatever), whereas my parents told me to deal with it? Even worse: if I recall correctly, it was only dad who tried to help me (but as I've learned in a sociology class, men are more prone to present solutions to a problem whereas women are more prone for emotional support - which i didn't get, i only got a solution, "ignore them"). My mom never said or did anything because she's always been like "I had it worse" It kind of starts to make sense To vulnerability: that was the word I was looking for essentially, because if I admit that I like something, I am implying that I'm vulnerable on this point. What if I say that I like band X, and someone tells me "band X sucks, Y is better". And even worse, what if that's one of my friends or family? Maybe it's a cultural thing though?
Naturally, before I started watching P, it was only crossdressing. The "sissy" stuff like pegging, chastity cage obviously came with P, because I saw it as a "supplement" for my crossdressing fetish, like "it would make me more let's say female as I won't get an erection (women as we know can't have an erection) and the fact that something is inserted inside of me (also self explanatory)" Crossdressing began at the same time of my as you said "sexual awakening". But I am not sure why it started. I know the exact moment when it started, it was when a girl from my class was wearing pink (like usual for us as we were like 11 years old back then only) nylon pantyhose and a skirt, and I saw that and somehow it made click in my 11 year old brain. I then found some knee high socks (for boys) in my wardrobe, and started wearing them regularly, and tried to stretch them as high as I could, I stretched ones so high that it got above my knees actually. And wearing that I've felt happy and "sexy" You could say, I was imagining that I'm a woman whilst wearing them My mom started working when I was 11, and this meant that I was home alone for the whole afternoon. Let's say I got home from school at 1:30pm, then mom or dad would come home at around 5pm. I got curious and started looking for some knee highs in my mom's wardrobe. I was sad to find no pantyhoses from her, but I've found some nylon socks and knee highs. So I started to wear them in the afternoon, being so excited about it when i was coming back home from school. I tried to wear my mom's flats too, but my shoe size was already way too big. So that was how it all started. I originally wanted to wear pantyhose but only got to wear knee highs. I will never understand why I feel attracted towards crossdressing. I mean, I was bullied and stressed out, but it was all OK because if I came home, I could just wear my mom's nylon knee highs and be a "happy little girl". But why did it all had to be around crossdressing and pantyhose? It just made click in my head. Just like when I saw a girl from an older class at school wearing flats, it also made click. Maybe because my mom never got to wear these? As I said, she never possessed pantyhoses (she bought some for a wedding I think when I was 15 and when I tried them on, I've accidentally ripped them). Also, the flats she was possessing were not really flats, something similar to that. Maybe I started projecting and started to like everything what my mom is not? This would lead to my girlfriend question: My mom is kind of like the wife of Stu in The Hangover, that's why I also hate this humiliating femdom and also why I was indirectly discouraged from ever having a relationship, because what if I happen to end like my dad (or Stu from The Hangover)? So I'm aromantic for a reason Even the kind of women I like and find attractive are the complete opposite of what my mom looks and dresses like. So it starts to make sense But why couldnt I just call it a day and tell to myself "I will just fap to some pantyhose models?"? Why did I have to crossdress?
I have noticed that when I feel the desire to be "girly", I seem to be expecting some sort of comfort, emotional warmth, with the idea being that being like that will make me happier, like the presence of a cute, supportive girl in my life would "undoubtedly" make me. So from that it seems to me that I am projecting the attributes that I associate with the clothes' wearers (even if they might not always be true) to the clothes themselves. Just an idea, might be different for you, especially since you said you are repulsed by the thought of a girlfriend (though I wonder how much that is because of your fears and how much it's really not wanting someone loving in your life -- aromantic means the latter, not the former).
