Engaged and in trouble

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by NeedsImprovement, Nov 22, 2016.

  1. NeedsImprovement

    NeedsImprovement Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    So a little backstory. I've been with my girlfriend for two and a half years now, and have been engaged since February of this year. Although I'm a bit older (31 now), I've never had a girlfriend (save for a short time first year of college) before I met her. Obviously prior to her being around, I turned to porn for release. And I kind of made it through all of college and after college by doing that instead attempting to date. It was easy, and even though I felt like a loser afterwards, I still kept doing it. At this point I was maybe looking at porn like once a week or more, I don't remember exactly.

    Since we've been dating, it was only during the beginning of our relationship that I was not looking at porn. I've always felt terrible about doing this, but the draw of porn was hard to resist. I felt the draw and rather than fighting it (and more importantly, fighting for her), I fell into the trap.

    When we started dating, I wasn't using it. But old habits, especially when you can just rationalize away as to why it's ok, can be tough to turn away from.
    I was using it a few weeks after we had sex for the first time. And I continued on, until we get to present day.

    This past weekend, we met a mutual friend just to hang out. That mutual friend described how one of her friends boyfriend was abusing porn and ruining that friends relationship. Later that night, my fiancée asked me if I used porn. And I said that I did.

    This revelation has turned my relationship upside down. My fiancée was deeply offended and devastated by this, and probably even more so by my failure to bring this up earlier in our relationship, especially since we have struggled with frequency in our sex life. And this is obviously due to the porn there. She says that I have not been completely open with her regarding things, and that I need to be able to trust her as truly the other part of the relationship unit.

    I'm committed to giving up porn for good. And I want to do anything I need to to restore our relationship. But how can I show her that I'm trustworthy, after I've spent most of the relationship hiding the porn habit from her. I'm scared that I won't be able to do win her back. I'm scared that we won't work out.

    But I'm willing to do anything I can to make it work and win her trust back.
     
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  2. CESIUM755

    CESIUM755 Fapstronaut

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    Cant understand why is she offended? Just because you watched porn.So what?Are you not able to satisfy her?are you not able to get erections?If it's not then please sit with her and discuss your problem with her .I know the trust issues but don't worry i believe she also wants you to be a good person that's why she is offended.Promise her that you will not watch porn again and tell her the whole story how you stopped watching porn while dating her.This might help.Try your best.Hoping some good news
     
  3. NeedsImprovement

    NeedsImprovement Fapstronaut

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    Well ive watched porn throughout my relationship as a way to satisfy sexual cravings and in secret, rather than going to her. And this, rightfully so, is causing major trust issues in our relationship. Otherwise, in general our sex life was decent, I was able to perform just fine.

    However we were never that frequent. Whereas many couples may have sex once or twice per day, we would only have sex say once per week, sometimes less than that. In general, she seemed ok because we always have a lot of stuff going on, which is a convenient lie to avoid dealing with the problem. The part that I was Looking at porn on the side to satisfy my needs without her knowing about it is really the problem. She views this whole thing as me being unfaithful to her and I agree - You can't have porn in a two way relationship, especially if the other party doesn't know about it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2016
    Randomgurl4 likes this.
  4. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Well for starters, when she asked you directly, you didn't lie about it - you were completely honest. That is good. It is now out in the open. Some women can feel very personally inadequate when they find their mate has been using porn. I think she's justified to cite the lack of frequency in your sex life. If the frequency issue has come up before and you never mentioned the porn use, her reaction is not out of line.

    Now to put the toothpaste back into the tube: I think you'll need to begin explaining to her that when you were single you used porn to M - simple as that, and that ritual became habit that you are now addressing to break. I think you'll find that you've likely been using masturbation as a soothing/coping mechanism, and the porn was an aid in that habit. You're going to have to learn to manage your emotions, stresses, and discomforts without masturbation, and you'd be surprised how easily porn will fall by the wayside, and how your opinions of porn will change.

    Sorry to hear about this challenge in your life but I'm glad you're stepping up and coming here. Best of luck!
     
  5. CESIUM755

    CESIUM755 Fapstronaut

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    As I said friend she wants you to share your problems with her.She wants your good only.Take this as a lesson.Talk to her,apologize her for not telling and do a promise to her.I believe she will be happy.Just in case you relapsed,please do this
    Take a sorry card,and some kind of gift for her,and tell her that you did that but you are trying hard.Not a relationship guru but think this will help
     
  6. Sunshadow

    Sunshadow Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Be totally open. It's normal and right that she's hurt about this, porn is a destructive and dangerous addiction. In effect, you've been unfaithful to her, that's how she feels about this. Instead of being a one-woman-man, you've been splitting your attention between her and P-stars.

    It'll take a lot of work to get over this, but it can definitely be done. Keep a journal on here, look around at the tips and tricks that you can find, and keep her updated. Not with every little detail, she doesn't need that, but tell her when you relapse, and why, and get her help for accountability. You could even get her to come to the forums and look around in the "Significant Other" sections, it might help her.

    All the best to you, and good luck. You can do it!
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  7. NeedsImprovement

    NeedsImprovement Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the support. I've tried to explain that it's an old habit that has been difficult to get over, but that's mostly fallen on deaf ears. I've been told to grow up and stop acting like a teenager, which is mostly true.and I'm happy that you say that my opine will fall to the wayside and I'll be able to get through it. That helps a lot.
     
  8. NeedsImprovement

    NeedsImprovement Fapstronaut

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    Of course I know she has nothin g but good intentions. It is i who needs to change. And I've Apologized profusely and am carrying the blame here for sure. Thanks though.
     
  9. Randomgurl4

    Randomgurl4 Fapstronaut

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    When I first told my boyfriend he was absolutely crushed as well. One of the hardest things for me was explaining that it is an addiction. Some people don't know the addictive qualities porn has and how it affects our brains, especially if they've never struggled with it (like my bf hasn't). You are doing great, it's good that you told the truth and that you're committed to seeking recovery. I told my boyfriend about nofap and fight the new drug and the other resources I use in order to break my addiction. Now he is more educated about the topic and can better support me. We don't talk about it much, I wouldn't want him to have to be constantly reminded of my failings, and he shouldn't have to bear that responsibility. But it's important to prove to her that she is your number one girl. That's all we really want in the end :) Give her some time, she'll come around! I'm confident that everything will work out in your relationship.
     
  10. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    As a recent ex of an addict I will tell you that honesty is the only way to save both your relationship and yourself. lying is only going to create more porn use due to more shame and more distance between you and her. Your addiction will only progress and your intimacy will go right out the door, no matter how attractive you think she is, this is the inevitable and you probably know it too because it is already happening. it's great you have been honest, continue to do so and allow her to be apart of your journey because it is she that you want to have in your life and not porn, she needs to know what that life really is to decide if she can deal with it, lying to her will not keep ger, it will only end in anger and resentment, that would only be more power for your addiction. I found out about my bfs addiction on my own it was awful but I still gave him the chance for ammends, he at first did what most seemingly wanting recoverer do, he took action and agreed to therapy, reading books, accountability software, etc... then as time passed I notice his secrecy and annoyance at talking about the subject creep in. he relapsed twice early on to which I was still supportive because I educated myself too and knew relapse were common, and then he'd go back to the cycle of feeling bad and wanting to share, then back to the cycle of secrecy, it is the secrecy that hurt us more then the actions. it's the thought of being decieved, disrespected, treated like just a body part and feeling duped. how can you build a solid foundation of off lies? how can you grow with someone you feel you don't know? eventually your relationship will become just going through the motions because that's what it is right now. porn creates a wall and a void of emotions, you eventually walk around like a zombie objectifying women and comparing them to your own lady. it's not something you want to do but it's something that is inevitable with sex/porn addiction.
    My advice is to share this site with her as,well as yourbrainonporn.com and the other sites available to educate her on the nature,and side effects of this addiction. this way she isn't just thinking that your some pervert or horn dog, knowledge is key to fight anything. I wish you much luck and remember that lying to another person, especially someone you say you care for only buries you deeper into the guts of addiction, you will not be able to look at her or yourself when webbed in deception. free yourself and take baby steps, ask her to be there for you and let her make that choice, do not take that choice from her. you will find that if she is willing to stay, you will have a better chance at recovery of both you and the relationship.
     
  11. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Trust is a very fragile thing. Once it's been broken it is very difficult to restore. Porn addiction may not feel like a betrayal but it is very destructive to a relationship. We may try to rationalize that it is no different than drugs or alcohol, but porn is not like those addictions. When our SO's discover our addiction they are understandably hurt by our deceptive behavior, lies, hidden lives, and our increasing preference for isolation and porn. As a means of protecting themselves, or SO's withdraw their trust. Until you give concrete evidence that you will not hurt her again she will not trust you again.

    We might think that our addiction exists in a little box in a corner of our brain and it doesn't affect other parts of our lives. But the effects often bleed over without us even knowing. Our SO's can sense changes but often can't put their finger on what is wrong. Even if you were able to hide the side-effects, at some point the addiction will grow strong enough to show symptoms. This addiction does not go away or stay static... it always escalates unless we address the underlying problems. Many of us here know the truth that it is impossible to have a healthy relationship as long as someone is engaging in addictive behavior.

    So the question is not 'How can I get my SO trust me again?' The issue becomes 'What can I do to become a trustworthy person again?' First step is acknowledging the seriousness of this problem and take 100% responsibility for your recovery. Addicts use objects/events/images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative emotions. It can be something as small as boredom, as serious as childhood trauma, or to cover over mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. You will need to identify your emotional, physical, and environmental triggers. Then you have to avoid or address those issues. Instead of turning to healthy sources of comfort and stress relieve, addicts withdraw into their addiction which only offers the illusion of comfort.

    Over time, addiction alters the way we think, feel, and behave. It usually takes months for these changes to take effect because you have to effectively rewire your brain away from addiction and towards healthy behaviors. The new and improved person that emerges from that process then becomes worthy of trust because all the suspicious behaviors have been replaced with healthy living.

    Right now promises that you make to your fiance aren't worth anything right now. You have to show concrete steps every day that show you are taking this seriously and working hard to change. Everyone's recovery is different, but you need to get others involved. Some go and see a therapist. Some look for an Accountability Partner on this website. Do not use your fiance as an accountability partner. Educate yourself about your addiction by reading books or reading articles at www.yourbrainonporn.com. Start a journal. Ask questions. Hold yourself accountable. There's way too many things you need to do to list them here, but read up on how to get started and get started today. What you get out of this process is directly connected to how much you put into it. If you follow the path many of us have taken then you can break from from this addiction and have a happy marriage.
     
  12. Baden

    Baden Fapstronaut

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    "She views this whole thing as me being unfaithful to her and I agree - You can't have porn in a two way relationship, especially if the other party doesn't know about it."

    I respectful disagree with that conclusion. It's correct it should not be hidden but it's good for some couples to use porn as inspiration or just simply get horny. I used it with an ex girlfriend before in time and it was a big part of our sexlife.

    But based on what you are saying and how my own wife reacted, it seems that the hardest point is explaining the addiction. As I have said to my wife many many times, her understanding will be much better if I was a heroin addict or an alcoholic, her understanding would be much better. It's hard to fight on 2 fronts or several i.e. financial trouble because of the addiction so a choice must be made if she keep up accusing you of being unfaithful because you don't do it because of her right?

    Best of luck to you
     
  13. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    @Baden, I understand the thought of using porn as mood booster but the problem is if you can not control yourself to the point where watching porn to have sex is necessary, it's a big problem. problem is that use of porn and sex escalates, desensitization happens, which is why you probably had to use porn with your ex in the first place. it's like telling a alcoholic to just have a sip if you're at a party. no such thing if you are addicted to something. by that it means if it causes you severe consequences ie; finances, because you can not control yourself. people in loving monagamous relationships need to learn just that, monogamy and love and intimacy. or else why not just stay single or be honest and ask to be in open relationship or swing? it's the deception that is wrong not necessarily the needing or having alot of sex.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  14. NeedsImprovement

    NeedsImprovement Fapstronaut

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    I think you guys have hit in on the head. I need to restore trustworthiness in myself as a person, which is not the same as being trusted by someone. Someone can trust you even though you are living this lie when they don't know about it. I appreciate the responses and am continuing the journey.
     
  15. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    You can recover if you truly want it. Reboot and reload!!
     
  16. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Great response.
     
  17. Baden

    Baden Fapstronaut

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    I didn't "have" to use porn in the sexlife, it was a spice like toys and whatever people are using. My addiction started because of something completely different than watching porn.
     

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