Every attractive girl/woman b-part I see is a fantasy

On Friday the 27th of July I once again decided to quit porn and join Nofap. Last time I tried was in October 2016, I lasted 12 days then I started to think“whatthe hell - I only live once, I should let myself enjoy porn”. I already stopped using drugs, alcohol, cigarettes as bad things I used to consume, but which I stopped little by little when I realized they did not make me feel good after my 30s. So 6 years ago (I’m36 now) I closed one book and started another more healthy one. But the porn has been with me since I was 12 years old, and high-speed internet porn since I was 21. I have made a routine of starting and finish the day with a quick fap, maximum 5 min and for this using porn. Thats why I always defended the behavior and porn, its only 10-15 min per day. Unless its a Sunday, then it can be a total of 2 hours in total, many times fapping between doin other stuff. I don't need porn to get it up, but I need porn to finish.

My biggest problem and compulsive sexual behaviour is to not be able to function outside the apartment with friends, strangers and clients. Every girl/woman I see with (for me) attractive body-part makes me horny and I start think about having sex with her, or fantasize about her naked and fap to that image. I don't see the person anymore, I only see a bodyparts, everywhere, all ages, normally ass, legs and in between. I live by the beach but I can't spend any time on it because I only see sex/porn images and can't focus on anything else. Its also gone so far that I can actually feel the dopamine-rush in my brain every time I see a sexual body part, which is all the time when being outside, very similar to a sugar-rush, because there are girls with nice body parts everywhere, with tight clothes on that reveal almost everything. Same when I am fapping, I have multiorgasms in my head before I come, and when I do come I get all dizzy for 10 seconds and the rush is so strong, similar to a nicotine-kick, only porn makes me cum in this way. I gone trough all genres you can find online, unfortunately also the forbidden ones (not something I am proud of). But sometimes I can't control myself, I only need the rush and the forbidden (very young teens, hentai, snuff, bestiality, slaves etc).

I slept with a lot of girls and also some female/trans prostitutes. My early life up to 30 was about chasing tail and sleep with a lot of women, thats how I measured success, not anymore though. But thats also because I committed more to porn, with online porn there is no drama, less risks, no ones getting hurt and no feelings needed. I felt that I got tired of the girls I dated so I turned to 100% porn, and ones or twice a year I meet a girl by random and sleep with her(summer fling), but I stopped hunting. This was and still are very nice I think. Sometimes the porn makes my brain think like I had sex recently even though its been 8 months, thats how real it gets (as you probably know). But I have no love in my life, I don't feel love and I am not really sure I miss it, I feel emptiness in the same way after a night with partying on amfetamin.
I never had a sexual relationships/girlfriends for more then 4 months, because I get tired of having sex with them. Which makes me see them as a friend only, and I brake up (or they do).

I gone to therapy twice in my life for different things I thought was the problem, but always been to afraid to talk about the porn/sex behaviour. A couple of friends know and thats it (but they dont really understand how hard it is to live like this). I am now on day number 5 and its very hard. Porn is the only thing I can think about and that why I am writing this post. The porn that I want to see online already exist in my memory and its replaying over and over and I can't really see how I will be able to survive this reboot. But I am more determined then ever before. I want to try and see if my life gets better like so many people say, if not, porn will still be there waiting.

My dream is to be able to be in a crowded place, like a beach, a mall or a square without looking and thinking of all, I mean all, body parts my eyes has time to see and convert into sexual fantasies, because this has made me more introvert and more alone in the past years. I want to have my rebirth!

Thank you for reading.

 

Thank you, the only plan I have is similiar to alcoholics... one day at the time. And if I feel like watching porn I say to myself, I do it tomorrow and push it forward. Also doing pushups, breathing exercises, reading a lot in the forum and follow some guys on youtube.

 

You are on day 9, one day before me My way is to stay away from all girls as much as possible for the moment. No music-videos, IG, fb or other social media. I do new stuff, as cooking more food, listening på sound-books, only watch programs with guys. Do like 50 cent said, challenge yourself to not turn after the girls in the street. Its hard because we done if for 20-25 years. I am just glad that we can change this in approx 90 +- days. What if it would been 5 years, that would be impossible. Though, I dont think about the 90 days, one day at the time. Also, no alcohol for me, if I would drink I would throw my self-discipline out the window. 1 day at the time I think is the secret.