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ex drug addict rebooting the final behavior

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by skyheart, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. skyheart

    skyheart Fapstronaut

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    Hey all, just wanted to introduce myself. I'm 40ish days into my reboot, and have been trolling the forum recently. Finally had a really rough day today and decided "I need to jump in there and start building relationships"

    It happened right after I ran into my pastor at my buddy's movie premiere. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was going through some things...he said

    "well are you walking with anyone through them?"

    So here I am. I've been clean off of drugs for 4 years, and only recently am I realizing that I have a similar reaction to self-pleasure and dopamine release. I am super self-aware, and very motivated and resilient. I have had what I think was PIED in the past with women because I thought that they should be porn stars for me and I needed to do them in the way I hear about in music. Viagra works, but then ultimately the girl doesn't end up sleeping with me because I'm a good guy and they know that. They want to have a boyfriend and I'm total boyfriend material (haha)

    Sometimes I even feel like I love women too much, so much that I have all these things I want to do with them but just can't fully express myself because I can't focus my sexual energy because there's too much going on in my head and not enough to fulfill me.

    There are three things that I've realized so far:
    1. My music (the rap shit that I've been listening to since back when I sold drugs) is just as bad as the porn I used to watch (I don't really have a porn problem.

    2. I justify my selfish nature (which keeps people at a distance) and prohibit myself from forming solid relationships with people and being transparent. I never have to take relational risks and put myself out on the line when I always know I have myself to come back to and pleasure. This translates to trying to M myself before sex in the past.

    3. I objectify a LOT of women. It's NOT normal for a dude to stare for hours drooling over a woman. I have always been a spiritual, loving, good dude. Somewhere in the drug dealer madness I started to objectify all women as pornstars, thinking that every girl wants to have sex with me.

    (I'm starting to realize this egotistic womanizer attitude is melting away, too. I'm seeing women more beautifully and their depth is returning to my perspective)

    So, I've been praying like crazy, meditating every night for the past 2 nights, and lifting at the gym almost every day. I'm not as transparent with this walk as I want to be, and I am prone to throw myself into helping other people and giving to them before being transparent about my own needs. So this is my transparency (among a couple guys at the church)

    Today, my heart hurt a ton. I feel like I just need a hug today.

    Who can relate?
     
  2. APCIA

    APCIA Fapstronaut

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    sounds like a lot of what of i've been going through. really familiar

    keep up the good work
     

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