I'm new to this community. I want to discipline myself to participate in it in my determination to quit porn altogether. I am in my late 40s, and in large part, I suspect, due to porn use, I find myself now so fearful of women that I can hardly bring myself to engage one in conversation let alone initiate a dating relationship with one. From my mid-20s to early 30s I did not shun the few opportunities for dating relationships that came along, but since then I have more and more aggressively, even avoiding situations where the possibility might arise. Is there anyone else out there who has experienced this fear and coped with it through this set of dysfunctional set of behaviors? More importantly, can anyone say that there's hope that things will change for the better after quitting porn altogether?
I have problems too with anxiety around women, i can talk fine and hold some level of conversation but I would never go up to and approach a woman to start a conversation, at least not when i was addicted to porn. I've had a long term girlfriend before between the ages of 17 and 22, since then I've not been intimate with another woman and i'm 33 now. However as someone who has not viewed any porn for 2.5 years I am starting to consider 'putting myself out there' so to speak. Not dating sites but taking up social pursuits where I can interact with women on a no pressure social level to start with. I want to gain some female friends first since all of my friends are males and that has been the mainstay throughout most of my life. don't get me wrong, when I worked in an office I spoke to lots of girls and we went out on team nights out etc but nothing ever really blossomed from those encounters other than a bit of a jolly outing. I never had the guts to tell a woman how i felt about them because i believe I hold on to my past failures and rejections too much and just assume that i am not a worthy partner for any women, the truth however is that it's all in my head. I think we often put up mental barriers which don't really exist in the real world to protect ourselves from harm, that harm could be emotional harm but the problem is we also prevent ourselves from gaining intimate connections, friendship, good memories, happy times etc. I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life although I am comfortable in my own company it would be nice to have a female friend that I can feel close to.
Well, I would say being fearful about approaching women has to due to the lack of self confidence. I've been in a relationship with 2 girls in my entire life and both of them approached me rather than me approaching them. Like you I've always suffered low self esteem and was scared to approach women. I could hold up conversations once I got talking, and I've been told by a few that I'm a interesting person to talk to . But I could never ever get my self to approach a woman on my own. A couple of months back I split up with my girlfriend mostly due to PMO and a couple of other addictions. After we broke up, I looked myself in the mirror and noticed how much weight I had gained. I wasn't over fat, but I wasn't attractive either. I joined a gym and started a new diet and within a matter of months I've been able to lose a lot of weight . This somehow helped in boosting my self confidence (Although I still continued watching porn ).
Thanks, this is helpful. Recently, I joined some Meetup groups with the idea of meeting women in a no pressure setting. One woman in fact did show obvious interest in me, even inviting me out. I was disgusted at myself for shrinking back in abject fear. I was so distressed that I could hardly function. Evidently, she picked up on a vibe, and told me not to worry, that she'd find someone else to accompany her on the outing to which she originally had invited me. I sank into a depression that lasted more than a week. I am impressed at how long you have gone without PMO. I hope that this success will translate into social success for you.
Thanks, this is helpful. I have lost about 30 pounds during the past six months, and go to the fitness club in town, but I still haven't really found a means by which to build up my self-confidence. No doubt part of it is that my employment history has been episodic since 2014. It makes a man wonder whether he can really act effectively in the world when he doesn't have a socially recognized position from which he can derive a sense of self-respect. I'm sure that that lack affects me when I fearfully contemplate the prospect of finding a relationship. I wish you success in your fight against PMO.
I'm at a similar age and situation. I am also thinking of joining a meetup group to get out there and meet people. Just wanted to ask you what type of meetup groups are a good idea. This would be a big step for me as I've become quite the reclusive type. Also, don't beat yourself up for one missed opportunity. At least your getting out there and trying. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say about myself! Get back on that horse and good luck to you mate!
Thanks for the encouragement. The meetup groups I joined include one for hiking, another devoted to reading history books, and a third for speaking French. I would say the hiking one has been the most helpful for me as a socially anxious introvert. It's low-key, and you can choose to engage others in conversation on the trails or keep to yourself. This was the first one I joined. The other two can be a little higher pressure, but I try to go to them when I can manage to overcome my anxiety.
There's a trick to ease your psycho tension and fear. Before you approach a woman clench your fist as hard as you can (of course she shouldn't see it) for 5 seconds then release it and then immediately initiate conversation. It puts your subconscious in a relaxed state. And it's applicable a lot in everyday life
