Feel like I'm in my own Personal Hell.

Been dealing with 5 months now since November 2023 trying to heal this fucking disc bulge. Made small progress but since then more injuries kept taking place. Now I have disc bulges in my neck and shoulders, slept on my testicle a week ago not sure if its fully healed or not. And just dealing with constant pain from every direction in my body.

On top of this Ive been applying day after day for a new job with no success since I had to leave old one over this fucking injury. I'm going fucking insane. I moved to a new area after I had to move back with parent and I'm just trying to make progress and move out but I'm getting hit with constant SHIT. I'm FIGHTING to get a therapist in this piece of shit area and NOBODY will fucking take me. It's hell trying to find even a primary care doc.

My ma is driving me INSANE with her CONSTANT problems and bullshit and I'm just trying to move out again but I STILL havent even gotten an interview after about 20+ applications. I'm ready to stab someone with a knife or blow my head off with a shotgun with the amount of frustration I'm feeling. Always in physical pain, not getting luck with work, drinking and smoking doesnt help anymore with depression, lonely and isolated from people and I want to start a relationship to feel some type of love from a female but I cant fucking do that because NOBODY it seems will hire me. I am feeling BEYOND FUCKING frustrated with this catch 22 bullshit.

Some times I just feel like buying a magnum from that pawnshop and blowing a hole in my skull in a forest but I would feel guilty that my family will cry so I can't even die in fucking peace. What the fuck is this existance that I'm living in?? I swear to god man.

 

Update: Got an interview. Hope it ends up well, but if not ill still be happy that I made a little progress. Had a hard few months but hopefully i'll keep going until i get something...

 

Thanks man..

 

Yeah I appreciate the concern and the advice from you guys. I haven't had another interview since but I chose to take a break and calm down my emotions about this. Since then I chose to continue the applications and calm down the spirit indefinetly, so I may not get what I want right away but if I'm patient enough, then I will get my results I'm certain of that. I just needed to take my expectations and my own pressure off myself.

I'm gonna keep continuing the search umtil I get it.

 

I'm gonna end the thread here guys, but thank you, I appreciated the supportive posts. Hopefully all finds you well

 

Yeah man it looks like we got the same thimg going lol. Almost exactly it seems lol. I've just been practicing with my daily meditations and learning. I'm the type of person that likes to constantly be engaged in something mentally so I've been going through like no lie, 9 books with different subjects to keep my mind stimulated. Doing stuff to keep myself busy, giving myself breaks accordingly what my mind needs, Very beneficial! When my mind is tired I sleep/ play games. But when the chatter wont shut up I make my way to the gym and work the body until exaustion. Then when the mind is nervous, I take to books and read until I literally cant anymore until my brain feels like a muscle that needs rest days it feels. It's stressful to not make progress but you know i tell myself its actually not my fault its more equating to just luck which is titanically annoying. Definetely not completely a game of skill lol. Luck Luck Luck ha ha. But I just gotta take it and be patient, difficult but not a death sentence..