Fighting with depression, bullying and other shit....my story.

Forgive me if there are any grammar mistakes. English isn't my native language....also my keyboard is malfunctioning.

Im male, currently at the age of 20, living in eastern Europe.
Here is what i remember about my past... and how i ended up here. A long story, but I have to get a few things off my chest... It helps.

School years
Before school, back in kindergarten i was playing with this toy... this was the first toy that i had picked up at that place, it was a blue tractor. My time in that place was also the only time i ever kissed a girl...good thing that i didn't know anything else at the time XD..
The time there was more or less decent, met a few friends, etc...
Then the school years came along with all the problems. I myself was a weird kid, not to mention i liked chaos more then order, cause order seemed so boring... still does sometimes. Also i had this issue with my health that caused me to have a runny nose during winter and autumn. It went away at about 8-9th grade. Another thing that made me weird was this unusual sensation that i was old, like an old man that had lived already (sounds stupid....i know, just a description of what it felt like back then). Almost felt like a teacher, and because of this i said some things.... Also i was quite curious about a number of things, such as stars, space, and how things work.
Put this all together and you get a recipe for making your self an outcast, not to mention painting a big bulls eye on your back thus marking yourself for bullying. I was bullied in different forms, the climax of this bullying reached grades 5-7 when a new kid entered our class. At first I tried to be his friend, because I had no friends in class (had plenty outside, most were older). But then he got brain washed by others, and became my biggest bully. During 7th grade he used a lighter to heat up the metallic end of a pen and pressed it against my wrist, the pain was awful (probably 1st degree burn). This happened during art class. After I got up, I called him a few swear words, which shocked the teacher. I also said to him ''this was you'r last mistake''. Then I went to
social pedagogue's office (She basically deals with internal matters), showed her my injury and asked to write yet another complaint about the guy. Except in this case she also offered to call my parents to school, at this point I felt that i can make it so he gets kicked out, so I refused (knowing my parents, it would not have ended well for him) and i wanted to take care of my own problems if i had the power to do so. After he got kicked out I became a regular outcast again, the quiet one, never going to any parties, just going to school and doing some sports- my religion btw. My parents offered me to change schools, but I refused, because my class mates wanted me to leave. In the same school I also met a guy who became my best friend, I would take a bullet for him. As time passed in this class i adjusted, tried to get my act together in certain areas of my life so they would have no reason for bullying, when it came to my curiousity and unusual thought pattern i had to mask it some how, and i did. Made me feel enslaved, in a cage, i didnt like my actual self, I started to think there was something wrong. But when you get bullied since day 1 it becomes a tradition, no longer a series of events, now they no longer need a reason, just how it has always been.
Then I realised that they were the only people who had an issue with me, nobody outside classroom had a problem with me, I always found this strange.

After graduation of 9th grade I left the school....Im ashamed to say I didnt do it sooner. The scars had gotten too deep. Now im in this new environment, this awesome new class with even more awesome people in it. The girls were as beautiful as angels.
I was placed in this environment broken....no longer was there a feeling of an old wise man present... Instead it was like I was a soldier that just arrived from the fields of Vietnam...scared and full of hate, possibly never to recover, with demons from the past lingering in shadows nearby. Certain jokes i saw as an attack. Anxiety showed up with terrible panic attack, to the point where i almost fainted. Sometimes i would go home and start crying for no reason. The heaviness in my heart was unbearable. But how to deal with it? I wasn't about to start doing alcohol, smoking and drugs, because i knew that in my case it would be very easy to fall in addiction.... and i saw how people dissapeared from these things....unfourtunetally what I didn't know was that there were multiple sources of addiction.
The only thing i could do was therapy... It helped for a while. I finally got to know this class for its awesomness and now i can say that 9 years in hell for 3 years in heaven was totally worth it in my case. Also I can say with pride that we were one of the worst classes that some teachers have ever had.

It was at later school years that i discovered a tool that could have helped me defeat my bullies... It was a book called ''The art of war'' by Sun Tzu. If only I had this book back then. I would have acted differently, I would have fought, not with fists, but with weapons they would not expect, and still have the same resault- peace and atleast some respect. The idea was that one can fight at different levels...a boxer can fight using the art of boxing and get respect. A rapper can use the art of rap to gain respect (Eminem). I would recommend reading it to anyone who being is bullied. The funny thing is that i had karate training, but still i could not deffend myself, because i was affraid i might harm them too much and the situation might escalate also they came at me either in pairs or all at once, I was, however, faster then any of them, so running was always an option. For some reason i always found it impossible to hit someone... so during 6 years of karate training and competitions i only have 2 medals.
During my later school years i embraced who I was and life got a little better. Still i would not go to any places where dancing was involved for i did not know how and dont like getting close to girls for some reason. I also find them to be the biggest scientific mystery in the multiverse.

Becoming a student, knowing true panic, suicidal thoughts and getting out.
After graduation of regular school I became a healthcare student. Currently Im at the end of 1st semester, 2nd year. I never felt panic like i did during my studies, often i got suicidal thoughts, for i felt trapped for a long time, I was trapped in this cycle of negative thinking, constantly reminding myself how much of a piece of shit and weakling i was, that i was nothing, questioning my existance. The suicidal thoughts became more and more real. Going on youtube and watching videos of kids parents that talked about their children comiting suicide helped me to go on....until 2nd year started. A while back i got to a point where i realised that im loosing this fight...the heaviness in my heart was too much, combined with negative thoughts and stress i felt like im going to crack. The panic and stress was so large, that I couldn't even work...I was paralyzed. I realised that i had to find a way out quick or I will do something stupid, either a crime, suicide, or fall into an addiction one way or another I will find a way out.. The answer was meditation..
I've been interested in meditation since i was 14. Learned about it for a long time. First knew it when i was 16. It was Sudarshan-kriya, but not quite my thing. For a while I was also in occult, until I realised that thats also not what i wanted, the only thing that I wanted to learn was how to master my thoughts, actions and emotions. And then I found qui-gong...It could have possibly worked against depression, but the time it took to build up was too much. I had to find something potent, something to take atleast the edge off so I could work... At that moment I found out about Sadhguru's 5 min practices and Isha kriya.
They literary saved my life... and for the first time in a long time i felt lighter then before, especially at my chest region. I knew about sadhguru for a long time, but my dumbass didn't have enough intellect to check what he offers until I started to lose the fight.....funny thing is it nearly killed me.....XD (believe it or not I actually find this funny.). This is what I've been looking for.
Now I do Isha Kriya every day along with a few 5 min practices.

Addictions ,why im here and my wiev on relationships and girls
Back at earlier school years I was addicted to computer games, it got me glasses, but nothing to serious, as years passed i grew less and less interested in playing.

Unfourtunetally I got exposed to poison (you know which poison im talking about).
at about 13 or 14 years. I watched alot, then i didnt watch it at all, then watched again. I attempted ''action'' on myself, but stopped, because i didnt like the sensation. I got scared of it and fear was what kept me from doing it, until i turned 20 and started to study. I overcame my fears, because i wanted to overcome them, just because they were fears and I was also curious. The reason why I kept doing it was because it also did something to stress, for a moment i didnt feel it. It felt good, but pointless and destructive in the longrun. Now that i have found cure for stress, regained my ability to work and broke the cycle of negativity, also explored a rather poisonous habit, its time to change, I wish to drop the poison, it feels as if it makes me fragmented and takes away part of my ability to act, not what i want at all! I figured since I found a master that got me out of near stupidity i would also need a teacher for this.
Speaking about karate...there were a few issues in past. One time I got to camp at age of 12. A horrible experiance to say the least. One night we were talking about girls, I said some things and they said them to one of the instructors...I was shocked, thought I would shoot myself rather then suffering the embarresment... After that i begged my parents to quit....after a few years I did. No longer regreting this decision, karate was never met for me anyways.
As for girls....I think they are wonderful creatures of the world, however i do not wish to see them as objects, which is why i wish to rid myself of this poison. I also dont want to be a slave to idea that i have to have relationships, because they just seem to boring, why would I wanna waste my time with one person when I have a planet to explore? Im also guessing that the reason why i havent been able to quit is because im physically inactive, i will atempt to fix this, after all sports is my one true religion
I havent had a girlfriend, in the past i did wish for one, but not as much anymore.
Found new ways of expression, that dont involve computer- guitar and poems.
In future i dont want serious relationships, family and kids. A life of cellibecy seems interesting... I admit there are still some demons im trying to slay, for now it seems i will succeed.
In the end things arent always as bad as they seem.....trust me.....I know.
Im greatfull for Sadhgurus lessons, also Sun Tzu, only he was late for the party a few years.
And im looking forward to defeating this challange...


So....where should I begin?