Finally told my wife

Hi, I just posted this in my journal and thought it would also be appropriate here:

The last week has been life changing.

I told my wife about this site and about why I use this site. This came about because I am currently seeing a counsellor for anxiety and depression. I have built up a good relationship with my counsellor and I trust her. So, I decided to tell her everything. In her usual non-judgmental way, she listened as I told her about my reliance on M as a release, my use of P, how I believe it affects my mood, relationships; how I found NoFap, my recent progress and relapse. Everything.

I then went home and asked my wife if she still wants to know everything about what is discussed in my counselling session. She replied "yes". I probed her further: "Even if it could affect our relationship". Again, she replied "Yes". So, without saying another word I turned on the laptop, found NoFap and passed it to her. I then told her everything I had told my counsellor.

I was not sure how this would turn out, but my gut feeling was that it would be ok. I said very little, neither apologising nor trying to somehow justify my behaviour. My wife was stunned into initial silence. We just sat in silence for what seemed an eternity. I told her she could ask me anything and I would tell her the truth. At that time she had no questions and I could see she just wanted to get on with her day and behave as though nothing had happened.

The following days were a combination of silence, sarcastic comments aimed towards me, long discussions, heated discussions. She told me the most disappointing thing, was that after 24 years of marriage she thought she knew everything about me, that there were no secrets. It’s been tense at times and at one point I thought she might leave. But over the last 7 days things have improved to a point where things have returned to normal. I think she appreciates now that I have been open and honest and that she can see I have and am making a determined effort to change. I feel lighter and even more positive for the future. I have no urges for PMO.

If I had not relapsed and then lapsed again after my 441-day streak, I probably would never have told my counsellor or my wife. For me at that time it was the right thing to do. So, I guess something positive emerged from the initial negativity of relapse and hopefully a little further growth has been gained.

 

Hi Kenzi thanks for your question. The following is the entry I put in my journal on the 20th September 2017 shortly after I relapsed after 441 days. Hope this helps to answer your question.

 

Its been one big relief! One of the BIG guilts I had about PMO was that I was doing something behind my wife's back. It felt like I was cheating on her. We have a close relationship and she is my best friend, so the act was all the more guilt inducing. To be honest and open about PMO has lifted a great big weight off me. Dont get me wrong, I was concerned about the possible consequences about telling my wife, she could have walked out. But now there does not appear to be an issue. In fact, the other day I had to do something of which I was anxious about. My wife turned around and said "After what you must have gone through to tell your counsellor and me about the porn and masturbation what your about to do is nothing in comparison". Of course she was right. She herself had turned something negative into a positive.