Forgotten what a normal life is

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Marsbar, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    I am 52 years old and have had a PMO problem for as long as I can remember. I had some pleasant, and unpleasant, experiences early on after puberty which may have triggered things and probably made me think I was normal, but in retrospect that wasn't the case at all. I have always lived in a sexual fantasy world, I think I may actually have a subconcious fear of women and tend to objectify them in a sexual manner. I realise now that I have sabotaged a lot of relationships because of this, and hurt people who trusted me. So a lot of regrets and a lot of shame here.

    With the advent of the internet I discovered an endless supply of porn to fulfill every fantasy, and to create new ones. However I found myself being drawn into the ever darker world of porn to get the same effects. My life started to spiral out of control and not only was my job suffering (I would rather spend hours on the internet at home edging), but my marriage too. I have already had one divorce because of this (not that I knew it at the time) and I do not want another one as I love my wife very much, but already I have problems with a normal sex life.

    What brought me here was that I started taking ever bigger risks to get my high. I started acting out my fantasies... meeting people on sex classified sites who would let me masturbate in front of them, masturbating on sites with video chat rooms, picking up prostitutes in broad daylight, and the final kicker was that I started masturbating in public, leaving the curtains open so that the neighbours could see me, and even in my car in the traffic.

    I reached the point where I was seriously considering suicide when a close friend pointed out that I may have an addiction and referred me to people for advice. I now know that I have a massive addiction to PMO and I am here to get help, advice, and hopefully support. I have now been in reboot for 15 days and aim for another 15 days. I know it's not enough but I am away from home on business and will be seeing my wife again in 15 days. I hope that I will have some semblance of a normal libido by then. Not sure how I'm going to handle that one!

    I am feeling better already though and I can see a change in my perceptions of women and the world in general. I have more confidence in myself and my self image is better. I know it's going to be a long haul however as I will need to learn to control the urges.



    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Welcome to the forum, and congratulations for going 15 days PMO free already. The addiction inevitably leads to an escalation of sorts, as your brain is getting more desensitized to stimuli. I would highly recommend going at least 90 days hard mode, you can't undo what you did to your brain over decades in a mere 30 day period.
    To make things worse, rebooting with a partner opens up another can of worms. Should you tell your partner or not? How can you reconnect to your partner physically and emotionally?
    Thanks for sharing your story, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
     
    UnknownGuy and Marsbar like this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. It was very brave of you to share your story with us. Many of us long time addicts have had lots of time to allow our addiction to escalate and we have done some very shameful things. All along the way we hurt others around us and we never made the connection that porn was the root cause. I want to assure you that recovery is possible for anyone who chooses to work on themselves. Escalation is very common and not unusual. Many symptoms start going away as soon as we stop watching porn. Others symptoms take months to take effect. And a few symptoms need a therapist to help us handle.

    Many of us wonder why we are unable to control our actions and do things we know are harmful. Maybe you can relate to this definition of addiction: addicts use objects or events to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative emotions. It can be something as simple as boredom, as serious as childhood trauma, or to mediate an underlying mental health problem such as depression or anxiety. Our addiction also incorporates other unresolved emotional issues. Our brains release powerful chemicals when we PMO that make us feel better... addicts want to be physically and emotionally pain-free. Addicts go into 'the trance' or 'autopilot mode' when we consume our object of addiction. Parts of our brain shut off that help us make good decisions. There is no pain while autopilot mode and we feel great... but once we return to reality we often feel much worse than before. Beware of going into 'auto-pilot mode'!

    15 days is a tremendous start! The first few weeks are often the most difficult. Time is needed for your brain to heal itself... this addiction causes not only beheviorial changes but physical changes to the brain as well. Start a journal... read some journals. Educate yourself with articles from www.yourbrainonporn.com. Consider confessing to your wife and asking for forgiveness and support. It takes a community of people to overcome this addiction... it is too much for one person to fight alone. I hope you find the support and knowledge you need to succeed!
     
    Marsbar likes this.
  4. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support.. Yes, autopilot, I started to believe I was schizophrenic, (even had an alter ego).
    My dilemma now is to tell my wife, I love her and I know I have to, but of course I'm scared she'll leave me (it doesn't change the fact that it's because I love her that I have to tell her). I'm just not sure when to tell her; It's very early days for me and although I am determined to kick this my thoughts are all over the place, the light is emerging and it can be confusing. I don't want to gush and overwhelm her!
     
  5. Don't overwhelm her, that's a very good start, but you have to tell her about it eventually, especially if you want to commit to 90 days hard mode (i.e. no orgasms at all). For more than a decade I was too afraid to tell my wife, and even when she caught me red handed several times, I still wasn't able to be open and honest about it. Secrecy feeds the addiction, and admitting that you have a problem is a sign of strength. Don't load everything on her all at once, let her decide how much and at what pace she wants to hear about it. It surely helps to inform yourself on yourbrainonporn.com prior to that, maybe you can invite her to do the same or at least watch some of the educational videos together. There's a support group for significant other's of porn addicts on here with over 100 members, she's more than welcome to join there, once you confessed to her.
     
    Marsbar likes this.
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad that you are leaning towards telling your wife the truth. There are frequent discussions in the 'Relationship' folder talking about this very subject... here's a link to the most recent discussion.

    Every situation is different because each person and relationship is different. The overall feeling should be to tell the truth, answer questions, don't lie by omission, and hold the door open for followup discussions. Our wives are often hurt most by the lies and deception than the habit itself. The things you've done with others is going to be a much more difficult thing to handle. I understand the sentiment about gushing... often addicts feel good about opening up and it feels like a burden has been lifted, but for the spouse, it is often one of the worst days of their lives. When confessing it is good to show them concrete steps you have already taken towards recovery... it shows that you are serious about getting better. There is no need to overwhelm them with all the details, but show that you are willing to talk about it some more if they want. We can kill them with a thousand paper cuts. They need to see that you are being transparent and not intentionally hiding. Show that you are taking ownership for what you have done. Apologize for what you have done. Promise to make amends.

    It is SCARY to disclose your secret. But once it is done then true healing can start to happen... for you, for her, and for your relationship.
     
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