Former PUA/Sex addict trying to break depression

Hey guys, I've decided to join and introduce myself to hold myself more accountable while I try this crazy reboot idea.

I've struggled against depression for as long as I can remember, somewhere in early childhood. It was definitely around before I found porn at age 11 or 12. I won't go into the psychobabble about my parents and whatnot, but suffice it to say, the issues that I was dealing with at that age are long gone, so it doesn't really explain why the depression is still around 20 to 25 years after it started.

I've never believed in medication and never tried it. I don't have any scientific evidence to back this up, but I've always felt that the "chemical imbalance" the drug companies say is to blame for depression is more of a symptom than a cause. I've always believed that the depression comes from my thoughts and behaviors and if I could just figure out what to change or how to change, it would finally be beaten.

A couple years ago, I thought I finally had it beat. I had just gone through a divorce, and probably the lowest depression of my life. Definitely the closest I ever came to suicide, like to the point where I was thinking of which coworker would be best to ask to babysit my dog for the weekend while I offed myself.

At that point there were like 2 versions of myself. The one who wanted to die, and the one who was terrified that the first one was going to murder me. Luckily the terrified one won and decided I needed to do something drastic to change. I found a local PUA group through meetup.com and started going out 2-3 nights a week. I had so much social anxiety that I was literally shaking the first time I walked into a nightclub, at age 27.

Within a few months I was actually pretty good. I got to the point where I often had 2-3 casual things going on the side and was hooking up with a new girl usually about 2 or 3 times a month. There were a couple of times where I hooked up with 4 girls in a single week.

Around that same time I started meditating and going to a buddhist zen center. For about 6 months to a year I felt like I was on top of the world and I was pretty convinced I had beaten depression forever.

I still watched porn around that time, but I didn't need it so much as before. I had basically replaced it with casual sex. When I was regularly having casual sex I could go a few days, maybe 3 or 4, without porn. But it was still a pretty regular part of my life, and I wasn't exactly replacing it with a healthy loving relationship....

I also was constantly comparing my experiences to porn. Porn is definitely the standard I hold women against. At one point I met this gorgeous 19 year old. We would have sex in public places, like alleyways and parking lots. Once we even climbed onto the roof of a building. I remember thinking I had hit the jackpot because I felt like I was actually living in a porn, and she really was sexy enough to be a pornstar. Even writing these thoughts out right now for the first time... I'm starting to realize how fucked up that sounds.

The really fucked up part is that after a few months, when I started to feel an emotional attachment to her, I bolted. One day I would want to tell her I loved her, the next day I would want to break up. I was scared that if I started being committed to her I would lose my pickup skills and I wouldn't ever get to have casual hookups again... I basically chose random casual sex with strangers over a beautiful, adventurous girl that I was falling for.

After that shit got real dark. I started having sex with girls I didn't even like. Like, girls whose personalities annoyed me, girls who I wasn't really attracted to physically. Basically it became so important that I brought a girl home, that it just didn't matter who it was at all. The people who have been on this forum for a while can probably guess where this is leading.... ED!!!

I stopped having orgasms. I started having trouble even getting it up. I started to become incredibly bored by all women. I was just going through the motions. Like, I would be taking a girls clothes off and thinking about how bored I was. The depression was back in force.

So I finally realized I was a sex addict. And I quit going out. But I didn't quit porn. As you can imagine, my porn use skyrocketed to replace all the excitement of pickup.

It's been about a year and a half since I stopped doing pickup. I had a couple of pickup relapses where I went out to try and hookup, and on one of those occasions I did. But overall it's been few and far between. I've done a little bit of online dating and gone on quite a few dates that way. But the problem is, the boredom is still constant. EVERY girl I meet is boring. (I realize that is not true, it's just how I feel). When I realize that a date is going well and it's leading towards sex. I don't get a rush of excitement. I feel mechanical, like I'm just following a process and it's pointless because the sex won't be satisfying anyway and I don't even know if I would want a relationship so whats the point...

Basically I haven't been in a healthy relationship in 5 or 6 years. And it seems like my drive to meet women is becoming non-existent. The depression has been back for a while and I'm tired of it. I know something needs to change again, and I can't just go back to doing pickup, because even though it seemed to work last time, it was just a short term ego boost that led to some pretty dark places.

So I need to try something new. And this website and this NoFap idea definitely qualifies as new. I have to admit I'm extremely skeptical about a lot of the claimed affects like becoming a chick magnet or suddenly having random bouts of joy come out of nowhere. But I'm committed to trying something. I have to keep experimenting with behavioral changes until someday I beat this depression for good.

The effects of porn and masturbation on dopamine levels and the psychological affects on how you relate to women make a lot of sense. So I am committed to trying this and seeing what happens.

I'm not quite sure if I should still try to date and find a relationship during this reboot thing, or if it would be better in the long run to wait until the 90 days are up. Like if some of these effects on motivation are real and I suddenly feel motivated and excited by women again, should I act on that and go talk to them, date them, sleep with them? Or would that mess up the reboot?

Thanks everyone for reading. I'm looking forward to the journey.

Michael