Getting married but still struggling... Help :(

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Youraveragelds, Jun 10, 2018.

  1. Youraveragelds

    Youraveragelds Fapstronaut

    I get married in 50 days, but I just slipped up with PMO. I feel so terrible. I dont want to bring this into a marriage and I want to be clean. I find myself thinking that the problem will take care of itself once I am married and can have sex, but I have heard that is a trap and not true. I love my fiance so much and I would never want to hurt her. I feel unworthy of her now and I feel awful. What do I do?
     
  2. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    Fifty days of NoFap before getting married would be the most logical thing to do. If you are dedicated, you can get rid of this shit once and for all. You wouldn't have to tell your fiance a goddamn thing and you can live happily ever after.

    If you want to continue with PMO, the second best thing to do is learning how to not get caught. Otherwise, you will have to face the consequences and there is no-one else to blame for them except yourself.
     
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  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    First you must tell her about your addiction prior to marriage if you have not. Second you have to tell her about the slip up. She deserves to know what she’s getting into and will resent you later when she finds out (and she will) and feel duped. Plus starting a marriage out with a huge lie will not build a foundation. Third yes marriage will almost certainly not cure your PMO and likely will make it worse. There are plenty on men on here that can tell you that. PMO addiction is not about sex at all and that’s why you can have access to all the sex you want and still PMO. It’s a coping mechanism you just use PMO instead of drinking or doing drugs. The first few years of marriage bring a lot of changes, and stress and since you lack those you are very likely to PMO to cope. I called my engagement off due to my exes PMO addiction. Please don’t keep this from her, if you truly love her you need to be honest.
     
  4. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    I thought the same thing as you, that marriage would fix and eliminate this addiction. You are right, it does not. It finds many ways to effect the marriage and can wreak havoc on your sex life. The addiction is that strong.

    I have almost been married for 3 years and my wife just found out. She is my one true love and means everything to me. It was the best thing to happen in my marriage. Why? No longer do I feel like I have to fight this alone. No longer will I have to come up with lies when I am not able to finish in bed or gain an erection. Now transparency is here and it is wonderful. She wants to help.

    I do wish I told her before marriage. It would have made things a lot easier.

    However my friend, I know, it is scary. So so so scary.

    Did you have this addiction before you met your fiance. It really helped when I spoke with my wife that it was not her but that I had been facing this addiction for a long time.

    Anywho, this is painful for sure. She will find out. She will probably be hurt. Truth is, she is the love of your life and once the initial shock passes can help you fight his thing.

    Think about a opportunity and find a delicate way to share this struggle. How romantic to tell her you do not want to keep any secrets from her and want to head into marriage with total honesty. How truthful to express you want to be with her and are fighting this addiction tons of men are currently going through however it is still a difficult battle you are going through daily. If she truly loves you, and I think she does, she will respect you and in the end this will make your marriage stronger.

    Think of the alternative. You can postpone it, but over a month until the wedding is a better time than any. I wish you the best.
     
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  5. boilerball123

    boilerball123 Fapstronaut

    I'll echo some of the other sentiments here because I feel I had the same conversation with myself 10 years ago before I got married. The only difference for me was my blissful ignorance to recognizing I had a problem.

    Sex with your SO does not cure PA. Logically, it would seem so because you are replacing one sex act with another. The issue is that if the PA has its hooks in you this strongly - your brain will set you in motion to try to do both - have sex and masturbate. I've lived that particular struggle for nearly 9 years until I finally came clean to her and decided to do something about my PA. There were times where I would leave our bed after sex and masturbate almost immediately afterward. Sometimes having sex would send me on benders where I would masturbate 2-3 times a day in between encounters. I have seen a term called the chaser effect on some of these forums which is similar to what I just described. At any rate, you want a partner to help you through this - forums like this help, but a living, breathing person that you can talk to directly will always be better. In my case, opening up and finally telling the truth after 9 years of marriage hurt our relationship initially, but brought us closer together once the trust in the relationship was rebuilt. Going through that now might hurt your honeymoon period a bit, but it is better to go through it now before children and other life complications enter.
     
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  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this. As SOs we often feel like we are beating our heads up against a wall trying to get this point across. Most of us would have been fine with the addiction so long as it was revealed to us pre marriage or earlier on in dating. It’s the hiding that hurts so much. Best of luck in your journey.
     
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  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Spot on from the partners perspective as well. I would only add that when a PMO addict has sex, he has sex like he’s PMOing which is not enjoyable for the partner at all. Basically he is just moing to you instead of porn, and using you. Having had sex with non addicts and an addict it’s a huge difference.
     
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  8. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    50 days strong go for it. Dude and just have sex with your fiancé
     
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  9. Letsdothis!

    Letsdothis! Fapstronaut

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    What most of these guys said. Tell her. The sooner the better. There are lots of threads on good ways to break the news. For her to know you've been trying, you want to stop, and don't feel worthy of her are all good things that will help her cope. If she loves you then things won't change and you can build a solid and honest relationship from the start. Getting married won't fix the problem, but the problem WILL slowly errode the marriage if you don't do things right.
     
  10. How often do you slip up? If it's frequently I say you should call off the wedding and sort yourself out. Personally I've decided to not date until I make it 1 year without PMO.
     
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  11. Letsdothis!

    Letsdothis! Fapstronaut

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    Wow dude, good for you. I don't think I'd call it off, but definitely discuss it with the SO and give her time to process it (that's why the sooner the better). Then if she feels like it needs to be put off it's not last minute and isn't so weird for everyone. People put off and bump back weddings all the time, there's no reason to be afraid of that. I definitely think it should be a couple decision though.

    Back to the original comment though. That's commendable to go a full year. Hopefully it's a great motivator. Definitely be on guard like the world might end when you do start dating again. In my own brain I think reaching a goal like that would be a massive trigger when I started dating again. That's just me though.
     
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  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    As an ex SO I commend you for making this decision. It shows your commitment to recovery and your true understanding of how your addiction will effect a potential partner.
     
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  13. 3 years married talking here.
    You HAVE TO tell her about your addiction. That's something a loved one deserves to know, or your love is simply weaker than your fears. It's hard, but that's what a true man should be aware of.
    Marriage doesn't make you healthy, no, but for me it's a blessing. I wouldn't probably start my therapy without it.
    Be brave. You're not the first.
     
  14. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn’t tell her keep it to yourself thats your burden to carry just stay clean from Here on
     
  15. Tiburon727

    Tiburon727 Fapstronaut

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    I disagree completely wih hiding it. Eventually it will come out and it is just a matter of when. Either it comes out on your own time and in your own way or you carry it into marriage and let it effect everyday you are together. Also when the wife gets suspicious and starts asking questions you are put in a position to tell the secret or to continue to lie to her. That means when you tell her you will need to admit that you lied to her several times to her face if you choose the secret over her.

    I was a coward, I brought it into my marriage. Wanting to pass on what I learned to avoid you having to go through what I had to.
     
  16. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn’t say that it’s hiding it I would say that it is taking responsibility for your own behavior and not dumping that out on her before her big wedding day if you mess up it is your burden to carry
     
  17. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    That would be my strategy too if I knew for sure that it was something that could be solved within that time range. Those 5 weeks he has left might not be enough. I hope that he is at least dedicated to quit.
     
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  18. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    You can’t hide it. WOMEN CAN SENSE IT
     
  19. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Yeah The responsibility of a marriage especially if you add children on top of that is so great value will need every ounce of sexual energy you can get Don’t waste your seed Check out the semen retention sexual transmutation forum
     
  20. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    I have more than a decade of experience in the field of hiding porn. However, I have no experience in hiding its possible effects.
     
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