Goal : NO PORN NoFap NO USING PEOPLE AS TOOLS

Hello

Just like everyone else it's hard to get started, but not so much because I am eager to defeat that problem. So here is my story,

I grew up in a disturbed environment, my dad was an extremely nervous person and would get into rage frenzies and start beating my mom. I, eventually at a point in my childhood, started to lie and hide things. By the age of 6, they split up and by the age of 9, my father committed suicide. My mom never really had time for me because in between the beating and the slavery he was offering her, she couldn't be too much affectionate. Also, I have a big family of people that make it casual to talk about sex and to act weird about it (my aunts and uncles "playing sex" together and making it casual, and talking about it in a fashion that made it appear normal that everything in life was just about sex), and they found it funny that in between the age of 5 to 10 I would watch naked woman on TV. SO, I grew a disoriented, angry, self absorbed and misguided teen.

By the age of 13 I was masturbating 5 times a day or more, first with lingerie magazines, then with drawings I made, then with adult magazines until I got the internet. I also grew to be someone that couldn't trust anyone and not even himself, I had problems with self perception and self confidence. I never had that much friends, never practiced any sports, was constantly on my game console. I had a crush on a girl for many years, but she never acknowledged me. I was the dorky, unpopular, nerdy but funny guy in class that was getting good grades without trying.

Eventually at 17 I got my first girlfriend , but she ditched me to go out with my best friend, which in turn she left to come back to me. I ditched her for another girl a few months later, but since I wasn't really healthy in my brain, I don't really remember how it started, I think I liked her because she had big boobs and nothing else, didn't really know her. This relationship was mostly friend to friend relationship, no passion no love, I was unsatisfied because I felt like our sex life was dead, she wasn't so pretty to my eyes, I was hooked on video games (MMORPG) and pot, and I wanted to know more partners. It lasted 5 years never the less. I dropped out of school, didn't get high school diploma, even though I could have gotten it, it was just a reaction to my mother's only caring about me making it in life, and a complete rejection of the system in which we live.

About 6 months after we broke up, during which i was constantly being turned down by the girls I was trying to get with, I met a girl and It was complete love, she was really nice to me, we had our problems but she coped with me and she helped me get self confident, but eventually it ended after 2 years because I had a long way to walk. Pretty disturbed as I was, I again was not satisfied with this relationship and life in general, so I destroyed what was giving me my equilibrium by cheating on her and it ended badly, because she in turn found someone else and told me when they were in a relationship for about 4 months. During that period, I managed never the less to get a diploma to get to university, and I started undergrad studies in English philology (I'm french, my ex was american, and we lived in america for a year where I learnt english).

So, from there on my life went to a bad life to total nightmare. I started going out, drugging myself, getting drunk and... sleeping with a lot of women, without ever being satisfied and using them as sextoys. I tried to reproduce my past couple with many woman but it never lasted more than a month. Eventually I met another girl, but living in the shadow of my former ex, I just tried to find someone that could give me what she gave me and that was satisfying to the eye, and mostly was a good sex toy. But being a perfectionist and wanting to have a girl looking like the ones in the porn movies I was constantly watching and fapping to, I ditched her because she had hair on her nipples eventhough she was nice and really loved me... Then I took another girlfriend who was british because I was going to move to England, and I needed a sextoy to feel secure. She was the nicest girl ever, and she figured out I had psychological problems (figured out is the proper term, I had become a master manipulator by then), and she tried to help me. But as life goes, she left me because, well, she wasn't really into me. I went back to the previous girl because she was also going to England, so I could cope with her a lil' bit until I could get another sextoy. So, as you can guess, this is not a good basis for a healthy relationship, and it turned really bad, more cheating, more lying... It lasted about a year and half, I went back to France and three weeks after I broke up with her, I met my nemesis.

By then I had made a lil' world of myself surrounded by people that didn't really know me because I was manipulating everyone into believing I was someone else, proper adamantium armor with spikes and rockets and all. I met that nemesis girl, and she was a mirror to me. Manipulating, sexually disoriented, filled with psychological problems and it was love at first sight. She wasn't easy to get, it took her 3 months to ditch her boyfriend (because she cheated on him with me) and she played the "I am a nice girl and you are completely mad and you need to listen to me" card. So I kept on sleeping with other women in the beginning of our relationship until she left her boyfriend and was committed to the relationship, still fapping a lot, still smoking pot a lot. I actually didn't like her at all, but she was just like those girls in the magazines, 90D 60 90, simply perfect to the eye, but empty on the inside (kinda like me). I was really unhappy with her, and my feelings by then were completely numb, I don't think I can say I have loved her, maybe only like a maniac that loves his pretty little tool. Starting like it started It could never work, it was an increasing nightmare and we were constantly on each others back, we cheated on each others, we actually fought and all. After 2 years she ditched me but kept me, like I had done with her for the 6 previous months. But I couldn't accept it, so for 2 years, I tried all I could to get her back, until we got married about a year and a half ago (after 6 months of her being in a open relationship with another guy), and we divorced after 2 months. During this entire relationship, I would masturbate every morning (and maybe more) with increasingly hardcore porn material, and smoke approximately 5 grams of pot everyday (and maybe more).

Along the way, I became a Muslim, and I started struggling to become a better person and to live by the good standards of life : I quit smoking, lying, manipulating, being someone else than myself, and going out with women. Turned out me becoming Muslim was the reason why we divorced because I started seeing the world differently and started wanting to live a healthy and peaceful life. So far so good, I am becoming a way better individual, apart from the relationship with my mother that is still troublesome. But there are three addictions that I've yet been unable to get rid of : masturbation with or without porn, even though it used to be 5 times a day and now it has been only relapsing once every 3 weeks approximately; food, of course I have an eating disorder, and finally video games, that have been my way of getting out of everything.

Now I want to commit to abandonning FAP. I want to become a better person, positive, constructive, full of hope, love, energy and mercy. What I used to be doesn't match with the person I want to become. That's why I am here, and boy it feels good to get this all out.

 

Alright what do you mean by a journal ? and what about an accountability partner ?

 

Thank you very much =)