I developed a pornography (and substitutes) problem in my early teens which accelerated when mobile internet came onto the scene. Roughly two years ago I realised that I had an issue with pornography (and substitutes) and decided to quit. I managed to abstain for almost one year but after this period I decided that it wouldn't hurt to view porn again, just once - BIG MISTAKE! Since then I have developed a destructive PMO habit although I mainly fap to substitutes because I convinced myself that porn was the real problem, but if I fapped to non-sexual images, that was okay. How deluded is that! I use the word destructive because I cannot stop when I start and will continue whilst neglecting all other areas of my life. Often I would edge to images for hours on end; it isn't unusual for me to fap for 8+ hours at a time. My addiction progressed further where I was trying different ways of fapping (many that I feel a lot of shame about), spending money of pornography, fapping at work and just preoccupied with sexual fantasy and obsession 24/7. I soon realised that I had a big problem and joined a 12-step programme (almost a year ago now) which has helped. I have been working the steps and have had period of abstinence but I still have a lot of difficulties staying sober. My girlfriend found out about my habit when she stumbled across some of my step work which listed my sexual behaviour. When she found it she was upset for days and confronted me about it. I felt incredibly ashamed, embarrassed, and like I wanted to disappear. I have never had sex with anyone but would fap to things like onlyfans and from this she also found out that I was watching trans porn ( I am not attracted to men in the slightest but stumbled across this type of porn and I guess at the time, it provided a new thrill). This feeling of complete shame made me stop for a period but soon I forgot about all of the pain I had caused her and myself and went back to fapping. I am at the point now where I simply cannot go on like this or I will lose everything but I find it almost impossible to stop. I have read so many books about porn/ sex addiction; I have done lots of written exercises, regularly attend 12-step meetings and call other addicts daily, and I am very aware of how it affects the brain and the consequences that it has caused me but when I get the urge I am pulled in and find it almost impossible to wriggle out. Ultimately I think my main issues is dishonesty (mainly with myself). I just cannot get honest with myself. Every time I start I am being dishonest with myself because I telling myself that I can handle it and that "if I fap this time, it will be ok" but every time I start I am there for hours and hours. My sponsor suggested I try nofap and see if that can help. At this stage I just need to do whatever it takes to stay sober because I just cannot go on like this or my life will be completely ruined. I need help!
You're in a good place here at nofap. You'll get tons of support. I've been fapping to porn for over 30 years. I have been with my partner for 13 of those years but haven't stopped looking at porn and fapping to it. I didn't know I was hurting her but I was. I don't do it for hours. Probably because I'm too old (I'm 59). Nine years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We went through all the potential treatment plans and decided I couldn't live with cancer in my body, even if it WAS in the infant stages. After surgery, I had two weeks of being catheterized. During that time I didn't look at porn or fap as it would have been too painful with a catheter in me. When that came out, I went back to porn and fapping because I needed to know if my equipment still worked. Then I was afraid that if I stopped fapping, it would go away never to return. I do have permanent ED thanks to the surgery. They said that the surgery was nerve-sparing but they damaged the nerves during the surgery. I was on Reddit and somehow I stumbled on the nofap subreddit and as I read some of the posts and how far people would go to hide it, I realized I had been hiding it from my significant other. I finally came to the realization I was addicted to porn and fapping with porn. That is when I made the decision it had to end. NoFap also had posts talking about all the crime involved with porn and that made me determined not to see porn again. I wish you well in your nofap journey.
Thank you very much for your response. I am sorry to hear about your prostate cancer and resulting ED. Until being confronted by my partner I hadn't really thought about how my behaviour had effected her. When she found out she couldn't bring herself to speak to me for days. When I think about it, if she was fapping as much as me and regularly fantasising about other men, I am sure that I would feel hurt too. Unfortunately I am incredibly self-centred and forget about other people, especially in the moment when I am considering fapping. With regards to hiding it, when I am abstaining from fapping I feel so relieved that I no longer have to hide stuff. It requires a ton of effort to keep covering my tracks and I can easily get stuck in a web of lies and forgot what I have and haven't lied about. It is exhausting! Thank you for reaching out. I got a lot of identification from your message - we are all in the same boat.
Yes, I tried to hide it from my partner but she's a very highly intelligent woman so she caught on eventually. I would think that anyone caught in this trap becomes very self-centered. I doubt that otherwise, you are self-centered. I know I'm not. I agree it's great not to have to expend energy hiding it. I, too, feel relieved. It is very highly important that you sit down with yourself and determine WHY you want to give up porn and that will be your biggest motivation. As I said, I chose to give up porn because it was hurting my partner. Yes, we ARE all in the same boat. If you need encouragement or someone to talk to, send me a private reply and I'll definitely answer.
