He relapsed... now what?

Unfortunately, relapsing is normal. I have the confidence to not relapse since I have been here only because I have been there and done that. I hate when I see others that cycle into a relapse every few weeks or even days.

Even fully committed, our brains can trick us. For the PA it's not just sexual. It's a stress relief, it's something to do when bored. It's a release from frustration. The stress and frustration don't go away and we don't usually learn to deal with them properly every time without some failure. We can also blame others...our job, or SO, etc for some slight and that is our "reason" that returning to PMO is OK. Been their, done that.

And, of course, their are the PMO like triggers. Maybe a body type, hair type, ethnicity, clothing. That could all lead our brain to a place it is weak.

Your SO (from one of your other threads) needs to commit to long-term work and commit to turning to you and not away. You can choose the disclosure you need, but they need to be as committed to quitting as you are to them. Full ownership is the only way this works.

 

There is a lot that you can do.

Things that may help you feel safer around relapse are making some boundaries. My wife and i have escalating separation boundaries for relapse.

She has the permission to contact my counselor and one of my support guys if she suspectssomething or if she has tried communicating with me and it isnt working.

We sleep in separate rooms.

Tech. Boundaries get more strict inseveral ways.

Coming out of a relapse we talk about boundaries every week on sunday and write them in a google doc so we can reference in case of confusion. We did that for about 6 weeks after my last relapse.

There are just some of the things we do. I hope it is helpful. Each time i have relapsed in recovery has been extremely painful but i also learned the most during those times.

Remember addiction is a symptom of the underlying intimacy disorder. It takes a long time to unpack our baggage and heal our wounds.