Hello

Hello everyone,

This has been a long road getting to the place where I am now. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but I masturbated for the first time at the age of four. I think it was a wet dream because I just remember waking up with this new and incredibly pleasurable sensation.

And that was the start of my secret and mysterious pleasure (I learned pretty quickly not to do it in front of anyone). I really had no idea what it was, as I had no idea what sex was, but I soon linked it to the pleasure I received from watching characters on TV get tied up. It's really weird thinking back to how I would be lying on the couch as a child, watching cartoons, and fapping. Oh, the innocence of youth!

I forget the exact sequence of events, but I eventually learned about sex and made the connection that my secret was connected to that. Around the time of my "sexual awakening", I started noticing the female body and both appreciating its beauty and lusting after it. Through the power of the internet, I had access to an unlimited supply of scantily clad models - though my main source was the Maxim website's photo gallery.

I never forgot my "first love" (first lust?) though which was seeing people getting tied up. When I was a child, the gender of the person didn't matter - heck, they didn't even have to be human. Now that my attraction to females had awakened, I wanted images and especially videos of girls who are tied up. At this time, I still thought of my affinity for seeing people (and now exclusively women) restrained as an idiosyncrasy. I basically wanted scenes from mainstream movies and TV shows as I didn't think there would be anything more than that. Why would there be?

I remember googling "girls bound and gagged" and then having a whole world open up before me. I wasn't the only person aroused by this stuff. In fact, there was a whole subsection of the porn industry devoted to it. I had hit the jackpot! I didn't own a computer at the time, so I printed images from the library and fapped to them at home. Then when I was home alone, I would turn on my parents computer and fap to stuff. This went on from about middle school through high school.

Things really went in to overdrive when I got my laptop back in 2013 when I first started college. In the privacy of my room, I could get up to whatever I wanted to. This is when I discovered PornHub and the "golden age" of fapping. I had mostly fapped to porn images and YouTube videos before, but now I had access to high quality bondage porn videos. This was the point when I stopped fapping to naked girls or girls in bikinis and went all bondage, all the time. It turns me on the most, so why settle for anything less?

Fapping had been a source of shame to me since I discovered its link to sexuality as it went against the Christian lifestyle I try to live. And since that time, I had tried to fight it with mixed success, but the important thing is that I recognized it as wrong and wanted to stop... even though another part of me wanted to keep doing it forever. Now that I had my laptop and had drenched my life in bondage porn though, I really just gave up on trying to fight it. I'm not married, I don't even have a girlfriend, and I have strong sexual urges that can't be satisfied right now. Who am I kidding trying to fight this? Who is this harming? This is a victimless crime!

Only later did I realize that it was harming me. I was becoming dependent on it and it was turning me more and more sadistic. Watching porn de-humanizes the girls who participate in it. The bondage porn I watched grew more and more extreme until it was downright sadistic. I still enjoyed the softer stuff, but sometimes I just really wanted to watch some poor girl suffer. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't inflicting the pain on these girls, it would happen anyway, so why not enjoy it. I even told myself that those girls wouldn't be on camera unless they wanted to.

It's so stupid. I was well aware of the realities of the human trafficking and abuse that lies at the dark underbelly of some porn. And sure some, maybe even most (at least on PornHub), porn is done by professional models, but does anyone really want to become a pornstar? Isn't it something that people turn to out of desperation, like prostitution? Every video I watch, I support the machine that takes advantage of vulnerable women and objectifies, abuses, and destroys their sense of self-worth.

What finally did it was a hardcore video I was watching that featured a really cute girl. She was interviewed at the start of the video before the bondage started happening and I thought, independent of the pleasure I was about to receive from her, "This is the kind of girl I could easily get a crush on". It brought back to mind the comparatively innocent crushes I used to have (haven't had one in about two years) and once the abuse started - and yes I'm calling it abuse even if it was consensual - and I saw her wince as red stripes formed across her back, two things happened. Yes, I was aroused, but that other side of me that used to fight against porn/masturbation but had lain dormant for years, suddenly rose up in a voice louder than whatever pleasure I was getting. I turned the video off and had a new determination to give up on porn. Not wean myself onto softer stuff as I had tried a few weeks earlier, but to give it up cold turkey. Enough is enough.

I hated what porn was turning me into. In spite of my bad habits in high school, I loved women and wanted nothing more than to find a girl I could love, cherish, and protect, but I had turned into a monster. I had started holding women in contempt, I wanted them degraded, de-humanized, and punished. Is it any wonder, I had lost interest in finding a girlfriend?

Anyhow, this post is getting long and I won't stretch it out any further. I'm with you, my brethren. May we never give up this fight until we've won or until we're dead.

 

Thanks for the welcome, Septimus and D. J. !