Hello!

Hi everyone,

I am a first-year graduate student in music, 22 years old. When I was in the fifth grade, I was introduced to pornography through a school assignment that involved the newspaper USA Today. I came across the word "porn" in an article, and not knowing what it meant, I googled it. Needless to say, when you google "porn," you tend not to get Wikipedia articles or objective discussions. That was pretty much my first exposure to sex, and once I saw these images, it didn't take long for instinct to kick in. So I got started watching pornography and masturbating--habits that have unfortunately been part of my life ever since.

Since that time, I have become a Christian (quite recently, actually). The more my faith grows, the more I see that I have a deep need to stop myself from being moved so easily by my sexual impulses, for multiple reasons. First and foremost, I want to live my life according to God's will and His plan for me, and it's my belief that God made human beings for purposes better and more noble than self-pleasure. When I masturbate, I feel as though I have reduced the beauty of God's creation--especially the beauty of sex--to a mere trifle. In other words, I have demeaned it by applying it in a solitary context where its true beauty--the beauty of sharing/giving oneself--will not be expressed. Second, and along the same lines, I think a large part of the pleasure of sex should lie in acting out of a desire to please one's partner. That concept of partnership is important to me, and when I masturbate while fantasizing about a woman, I tend to view her not as a partner but as an object from which pleasure can be derived. Third, aside from my general disgust with the way pornography and masturbation make me think about women, I hope to marry someday. But how could I ever approach any girl asking her to spend the rest of her life with me and to enter into a sexually committed relationship with me while at the same time allowing myself to persist in acting out fantasies about other women? Until I have developed a much better ability to control my responses to sexual stimuli, I will not feel prepared to marry. Last but not least, I want to stop masturbating and viewing pornography because these habits interfere with my work. Frequently, I will be reading an assignment or typing a paper at the computer, and I will notice a sudden urge for sexual activity. Too often, rather than merely acknowledging that the urge exists and allowing my mind to move back to what I'm working on, I rationalize the decision to act on the urge by saying, "why don't you just go and find a video that stimulates you and let off some steam? It'll just take 5 minutes, and you'll be able to focus better on your work when you've let it out." Both statements are lies. What I tell myself will be a five-minute digression often turns into an hour-long quest for videos that turn me on--and these hours add up. And invariably, such digressions actually cause me to become less focused because I become wrapped up in sadness, anger, and self-disgust over losing my sexual self-control again. I begrudge every ounce of time and attention my masturbation habit takes away from things that have actual value.

I have expressed some strong convictions here. So far, those convictions have gotten me to the point where, for the past three months or so, I have visited pornographic websites perhaps 2-3 times per month on average. (I used to do so virtually every day.) I have had a harder time controlling the habit of masturbation, especially in environments like YouTube, which is replete with videos that I find arousing and that seem to beg me to relapse simply by typing certain search terms. Acting on an urge, I went to YouTube this morning to find one of these videos (an old "favorite"), and decided that it was the last straw. One reason for this feeling of urgency: there is a particular girl whom I care for very much and who shares many of my values (not a girlfriend as of yet but a good friend and someone I would date). When I am done masturbating to one of these videos or to some fantasy, I am so ashamed to imagine what she would think if she could see me. I feel as though it is high time for me to take control of my actions and conduct myself in the way that I genuinely want to, not in the way that my petty desires dictate to me.

And so, frustrated by my lack of self-control but hoping and believing that improvement is possible, I join you.

Sincerely,
wwart1020

 

I have chosen not to set up a wireless internet connection in my apartment. My thought is that having a wired connection that I have to physically plug in will make me more conscious about my internet use. Once I get a little more settled (I just moved to a new city/apartment about 3 weeks ago and am still getting accustomed to the new environment), I also hope to start reading in the Bible daily, attending church, and participating in a Bible study group. I recognize that, although I bear responsibility for my actions, there are environmental factors that make me more likely to relapse. My hope is that surrounding myself with goodness will help. I also hope to start praying more regularly and continually opening myself up to God. For me, the process of quitting PMO must be linked with spiritual growth.

Another priority is to make sure and get enough sleep. Naturally enough, I have a higher tendency to relapse when I am tired and stressed. In the past, I have had a tendency to push myself way too hard and stay up until the wee hours of the morning working on something, generally making myself less effective for the rest of the week. I stayed up very late Monday night this week, and I think it's part of why I ended up relapsing yesterday. I've got to try and consider the big picture better and consistently ask myself, is it worth it?

The biggest issue, however, is my lack of self-discipline. Without growing in that area, I will not be successful in following a regimen that would help me stick to a Bible-reading plan or a strict sleep schedule. I saw the video below about self-discipline this morning and I am considering how to implement its ideas. Any further advice would be welcome.