HELP! I’m a new SO. Flatline?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Xotillyox, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. Xotillyox

    Xotillyox New Fapstronaut

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    So I’ve been looking on the forum for about a month on & off and finally decided to join.


    I’ve been with my partner around a year and throughout struggled with sex in general. We put it down to his depression and being on pills however he gradually came off these and not much changed. It only recently came to light that it seems he has an an addiction to P. He said that when we do have sex he doesn’t feel anything and it isn’t enjoyable. It literally hurt so much to hear that and this is where it came about that he may be a PA. He couldn’t really O during sex, it was now and again which really hurt me, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.


    Long story short he said that he’d stop it, not just for me but for himself and our relationship and since I have supported or at least tried. It’s been roughly a month or so since he last PMO. I am literally really proud of him for it. I just need some advice / help / re-assurance. At first he was fine, had a bit of an urge the first week and it seemed to settle. A week or so later he came over to mine and he seemed to get aroused when kissing however nothing happened out of choice from both sides.

    Fast forward a month and out of nowhere he said he was worried that it’s been a month and he doesn’t feel an urge for anything, he feels nothing. When he’s around me he doesn’t feel like even kissing me or want me sexually at all. He said he doesn’t feel any affection toward me and it’s worrying him that nothing is going to change. I think he was having a really bad day aswell and was in a really depressive state on that day. I tried to support and tell him that he was in flatline and referred him to a few websites with similar stories.


    I just wanted to see if anyone else (SO / partners) have experienced their partner not being interested in them sexually during Nofap/flatline? And roughly howling it lasted? just need to some reassurance as it’s really got me down.


    Thank you in advance
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2018
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    My husband’s flatline was a few weeks, all in all most likely around 2 month total with the wax and wane of it. He had developed overwhelming apathy. I was ok with not having sex while he “felt his dead stick” but the apathy part is what got difficult for me. It was to similar to his full tilt PA behavior towards me but without the anger and resentment.

    We got through it, I know it was hard for him to connect even through no pressure cuddling while watching our favorite TV shows in bed together but it helped me a little bit. I couldn’t ask a simple question with a IDK or I don’t care attitude. Thankfully it started to subsid at the time I was ready to have break point. It seems flatline can be different for anyone including duration.

    Something to remember while dealing with the flatline is it means he’s doing it right, he’s effectively resetting himself so to speak. That’s what is important and so worth it After the fact. I know the flatline bothered him quite a bit so I would remind him it was ok and temporary. That also helped to remind myself in process. I however don’t know what possible effects that having taken the pills will have in regards to the flatline process though. I’m sure someone could have an idea or experience with that aspect.

    Something we have started doing the last couple of years and continued to do through the flatline was having our 15 seconds before going to sleep. That is 15 seconds of kisses, now it feels super weird not having it even when we are upset or angry. Just one little thing between us that can help with a little bit of an intimate connection may help.

    Another non sexual intimacy little thing we do (this is even with us working and commuting together) is when we get home we hug and kiss each other to welcome ourselves home. For me it’s like a release of the work day and shifting into home mode in a little bit of an intimate way.

    Just remember this to shall pass and the flatline is a good thing. Find small little ways to help you both connect even if it is just welcoming each other home with a hug and kiss or 15 seconds before sleep.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2018
    justafriend, Trappist, NF4L and 2 others like this.
  3. Xotillyox

    Xotillyox New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that. It’s just worrying for me to think he’s not interested in me and what if that doesn’t change. I’m trying to be as supportive as possible during this and being positive even when he is being negative and unthoughtful, I keep saying it’s just temporary and will all be worth it.
     
  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It’s temporary and worth is what you both can do through this. It is kinda scary, I had the same fearful feelings what if this is it and he’s going to feel that way for ever. I think a lot of that stems from the uncertainty and betray trauma side of things too on our side. If you both can remain positive and hopeful and support each other through it then it is completely worth it.

    You can think of the flatline along the lines of someone going through withdrawals of substance abuse after quitting cold turkey. It can be hard and scary for both especially if it’s more difficult and lasts a bit longer. I have noticed this when men seem to relapse to test their body because they are afraid that something is broken.
    Stay positive with each other have open communication about it.

    There are many PA’s here who can share the personal experience with the flatline too to help you along with how is SO’s coped with it.
     
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  5. Xotillyox

    Xotillyox New Fapstronaut

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    I’m trying to be positive, as the days go by I’m struggling. We don’t live together and he’s already text me saying it’s not fun to talk / text me and he can’t think of anything to say to me, he sat there struggling to make conversation via text. We’re supposed to see each other tomorrow but I personally can’t be bothered seeing him because I know deep down he doesn’t care. So so difficult. I do wonder if it’s worth it or if I should just walk away now. Sorry for my ramblings.
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    That’s a hard one for sure, having these things said over text can make it even harder. If I were in your shoes I would give space to each other until you two can talk in person. To much can lost in translation and miss understandings are likely over text.

    This is when open communication is the key. If he is in flatline and not understanding what he’s feeling and not able to articulate well this kind of talk (especially over text) can send some negative signals for sure. I feel for you in this situation. It could be he is struggling with his own flatline apathy and not understanding what he is feeling or not feeling at all. It sounds like you both have some confusion.
    Maybe you could use some personal space to figure out what you need and want in this time as well, think on your boundaries and what limits you have in this situation.
     
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  7. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Texting is so limiting as I “text” here.

    My flat line and PIED really scared me and my SO. Reading here about both gave me the confidence to persevere and also to understand and explain what was going on to her.

    Does he explore here or at Your brain on Porn? Lots of good info there and here to ‘wile the recovery time away.

    I never used pills so that might delay recovery?

    My SO thought also that this was it, as I was older. My being able to provide that for her is impt to her.
    She knows life isn’t forever, but not yet!

    Bring a friend to each other is good, at least. You should take your time and space as you need it, too.

    My SOs patience, kindness and love, as my function has slowly improved, was so helpful.

    Lots of ways to be giving, cuddly and intimate in the mean time.

    Being kind to each other and to yourself, foremost.
     
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  8. Xotillyox

    Xotillyox New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that.

    I have literally trawled through your brain on porn and the forums on here sending him the posts that relate to how he’s feeling. Whether he has looked / is actively looking on here, I’m not 100% sure.

    I personally know it’s temporary though it does get me down some days. It’s just when he questions whether ‘his feelings will change’ ‘what if nothing changes’ and ‘he doesn’t want to hurt me if it doesnt’ sometimes feel like it’s more of an excuse on his part and then I wonder if it’s just the process of flatline?

    We are supposed to see each other today / this evening however he doesn’t seem to be bothered and so I think it may he better not to pressure him and let him be alone, even if it’s hard. All he can say is he cannot be bothered and feels nothing, he’s constantly cold which is strange as he’s such a warm person and the mood swings are awful. I just hope he starts to pick up soon.

    He does hug me and cuddle me when we’re together however he has said he doesn’t want to kiss me or feel any urge at all. It’s difficult to hear but I’m trying to be positive too.
     
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