Alright guys, this thread could maybe save my life( I'm not suicidal, but in terms of anxiety and depression). It is going to be a longer story, so I need to say SORRY in advance, but I just need to throw everything out of me. I hope there will be some bored and willing to help guys to read this story. Here is my story... I was attracted to women since I know for myself. I had first crush when I was 6, a classic child thing. Then the other when I had maybe 9 or 10. I remember I was thinking of that girl, dreaming about hear, been excited when I see her at school, one time I saw her at the pool and I was super excited and nervous at same time hahah. But it wasnt sexually ofc, i started masturbating when I was 12. I was a kid who had friends, everyday outside playing kids games, been a popular guy in a class...So as i said, at 12 i started masturbating, and i remember my first porn movie on which i masturbated, it was the amateur soft, normal porn, so from that moment, the journey began So, after that masturbation, as I remember I continue to masturbate for days on that same video, and after that i started masturbated on other videos, soft videos, straight sex, concentrating on woman ofc. The thing i wanna say is that from that first movie i saw, my favorite part and the part when i would orgasm, was giving the oral sex to woman. I remember i was hard and touching my self on penetration parts, or when the girl is giving the oral to a guy, everything, it was just seeing a naked girl having me super excited. But when the part where guy is licking her came, that was the time i saw for the first time what my sperm look alike So I continue to watch normal soft porn for years, I started to get erections like crazy in my school, had a new crush at 12 or 13, a girl from my class, which was a crush for a lot of guys I think in that period. I was thinking all the time about her, thinking before everyday in school will I have some conversation with her or anything. I was masturbating at the same time on a porn and on a real girls from my school. But to be honest, not so much on my crush as i remember, few times I think, but it was on other girls as I remember, maybe it has something with the thing that maybe I think sex is something dirty..but maybe not Anyways, I will be back to this period of time later, because there is hiding one of the key reason i have this shity feelings right now. I went to high school and there had another crush, for all 4 years, and after that for maybe two years still got the feelings. Even now, I think I'am still feeling something, but this mental situation I'am in is not letting me be sure in anything. In high school was same situation, i didnt masturbated so much on my crush, I masturbated on other girls, everyday, but i was dreaming about my crush, thinking about what would i give to kiss her, to spend time with her, to be in love with her simply. So in high school I think, maybe when I was 16 or 17, I started to watch a little more strange porn, it was a facesitting. Again, with pussy licking at the center of everything. As i said earlier i was a popular guy, I was great in any sports i have played, was the guy who was making jokes always, but the thing is that with girls i had problems my whole life. I mean, not with girls but with self For my whole life, I was hiding my feelings towards girls, I was thinking that is the most embarassment thing in the world, and I was trying hard to hide that feelings as much as I can, but who knows, maybe some of them knew that maybe i feel something, because I know that my behavior when I'm communicating with my crush is not the same as is when I communicate with other girls, expecially when they're not attractive to me even sexually. I even didnt telling to my best friends who is my crush. At 19 I had first sex with a stranger girl, after that i was thinking that I have AIDS because i was sick and stupid doctor told me to check for AIDS, and that is when my hypochondriac thing activated, some more mistakes of doctors there was, and my anxiety started in a hard mode. Started thinking how sex is the worst thing, first time and i get AIDS..At that time i started to watch an awful thing, a cuckold porn movies..And specificaly part where I was orgasming was cum eating from pussy...Not from tits, not from mouth, not touching the guy at all, not picking the guy, always picking the female actrees and was aroused to them, always concentrated on her in the movie, barely spotting the guy, no strapon shit..and it lasted till few months ago, after i failed at sex with woman who I was not attracted to at all, but she had literaly invited me to sex, and I in the depression just accepted that. And my anxiety is that strong, that I was delaying that sex, I had psychosomatic disorder that is shaking all my body, legs, arms, everything..That started from that stupid doctors things and my long lasted stress because of that. So i start drinking alcohol with that woman to relax a little bit, but that was not enough, we start to cuddle and I got a boner, but when we get naked, the penis got completely small. She just started blowing me, and I was too much anxious, and after some time it got hard, but then when we tried to put a condom, erection was gone. I tried few more times, somehow got the erection, but the condom make it gone everytime. Then i got more relaxed after that, and i got a hard erection just standing by her while she grabbed my dick, she asked me if I want again to try, but I refused, because its just to devastating for me. I had only two more sex in my life, with 2 different girls, the first I was very drunk and almost totally relaxed because of that, so i fucked her for like 2 hours, but the erection was at maybe 75 or 80 percent most of the time, so i didnt cum while penetrating, I cummed on her. The other sex I had, not enough drunk, very anxious and shaking, i got hard while we kissing and touching, she was on me and i cum for like 2 minutes maybe than i tried to get dick back in the game(still very anxious and nervous), i managed to do it, put a condom, tried to do a missionary, was doing it for like 20 seconds maybe and i lost the erection. I wanna say, other than cuckold, in last 5 years I watched some other things of Femdom, such as toilet slave, feet licking, but not as much as cuckolding. And while i was masturbating 90% of time on porn, i was still masturbating in the past time on "real girls" on facebook or instagram, or sometimes in my imaginary. And what is interesting, I NEVER in those situations thought about those disgusting things, if I am looking a picture of a real girl, Im just concentrating on her ass and legs, and if I am using imaginary, I am thinking about easily foreplay, penetration..And it feels good after that, erection is full, everything is good..But watching that cuckold shit makes the penis even more harder, but after orgasm I feel disgusted to myself..But that is very important, i was going to college and spotting girls and never thinking about some femdom shit. When i tried a few times, it immediately makes me sick. And because of cuckold, I have HOCD for maybe 3 years, but as I said, I didn't ever make a big deal about that, like I wasn't aware what disgusting thing I am watching, and my libido is not great in the last 5 years, I was still getting erection in a real life, but not that much, but I spent 2 and a half years thinking that i have AIDS and maybe some other shits, so maybe that has affected also..And for this 3 years of HOCD, it was not killing me, it pops in my head maybe once in a week or once in a 2 weeks, and it goes away after 3 or 4 minutes max, I tried to think about touching penis and other shits and I have pain in every part of my body and anxiety. And now , the last, I want to go back to the part when I was 13 or 14 and had that crush..In those 3 years of HOCD, I remembered one thing that was probably deep in my brain..I remembered that one time i jerked off to blowing one guy from my class...I'am not sure if that fantasy just pops up while I was fantasizing about some girls, or I started and finish with that disgusting thing. I tried to not think about that, but in last few months after a failed sex, my life is biggest hell in the world, an anxiety is killing me every second of every day, and that is the strongest argument for me that I am gay..I tried to remember why have I done that, and I managed to remember that there was one party where we from the class started talking about some sexual staffs, and some sexual games(we were kids, 13 maybe), I was hoping that in that game I will have a chance to grab my crush ass, or something like that, I was very horny. And at some point, I remember she was saying something that she likes that guy because of something(dont remember why)..I remember I felt pissed. And now I am thinking that one-time fantasy got in my head those days after that, maybe as some sort of inadequacy(i have readed about that thing in some places, that completely straight guy can have that kind of fantasy when he felt inadequate in some way). And also i remembered how disgusting i felt after that orgams, I literaly remember even now. I was a kid, but probably I suppresed that shit, and after that went to high school and went crazy about woman asses , tits, legs, faces, personalities, everything.. I was in the locker rooms with bunch of naked guys till todays day, and never ever felt anything, but I always had insecurities about my penis size, even it is average, or probably little bit above average, and i had insecurities for other body parts also, so in locker room i would check a guy penis just to compare myself, I will check his body only to compare myself. And for record I am really looking ok, getting compliments from girls, going to the gym..And funny thing, that guy i had disgusting fantasy, was one of my best friends, for next 4 or 5 years, we were in the same squad, and I totally forgot on that fantasy, and watched him like every other of my friends, going out , speaking about girls...I remembered that shit maybe 2 years ago (I am 25 now), and i saw him maybe one year ago, and I didnt remember to think about that, I was just glad to see an old friend after long time and to see what is going on with him, I swear that if I meet him today, I wouldn't remember that shit again and would just be glad I am seeing him like I would for any other old friend. SO I AM VERY VERY VERY SORRY for this long, heavily detailed story. I hope there is at least someone who is bored enough and willing to help me, to read this and give me some honest opinions because this is killing me...Because just imagining in last 3 days how I am putting this story here, and then getting some positive answers, it made me feel relaxed and increased my desire for girls and even got spontanous erections for just thinking for a second of a girl. I am on 10th day of my Nofap journey.
I'm glad you have 10 days. I only saw that because I skipped your very very very long post. You might consider starting another thread with a much shorter post.
I have read your long post. Your story is exactly my story! I'm feeling you bro. Stay away from porn. When you would message me, you can do it. Stay strong bro.
Some parts of your story are similar to mine and many others I've read on this forum. I'm sure you'll be clearer about your sexuality when you avoid porn and masturbation for a while. Good luck with your journey.
Thank you guys for taking your time to answer to me, I appreciate that. Today I readed again my story, and that part when I am saying "that I'am a gay", I honestly laughed at that, without any anxiety, it was the same for me as if I wrote "I have 4 amrs" or "I have 4 eyes", it was really like wtf did I wrote This is the first time I actually put these stupid thoughts anywhere outside my head, "on a paper", and its just felt differently, like it is just not a part of me. I am just feeling good right now because of this, and I will try to do this thing with my next stupid thoughts. I was always irrational in my head, even when I was younger, in not sexual terms also. But I was thinking that is a game I am playing with my brain and didnt took that serious. I had OCD for many many years..This is not classic reconsideration of sexuality, this is a fucking forcing me to think that I am something that I am not. Even when i somehow managed to calm down some days in last 3 months and jerking with joy on some woman in my mind, erection gets full, everything is great, and then BOOM, the obssesive thought about how I am gay pops up in my mind, not a naked dude or anything, just that word "gay", and anxiety is starting and erection is decreasing. I actually have a period in 2016 when I was working so much that i didnt have time to watch porn and even masturbating, and in that time as I said in previous post, i had HOCD, but it was very weak, and I was thinking that is game my brain is playing with me like my whole life. And in that period of not so much masturbating and not porn at all, i was just talking with girls and i felt fucking strong erections that i needed to put something on my shorts to hide that from her...who am I fucking kidding, what am I doing, I am straight like a fucking ruler..I am just worried about when i get healed finaly( I hope i will), and when I am old, how painful it is gonna be to remember what have i done. Again a longer post, sorry, but maybe when I am putting all these thoughts on paper, things could get better, as i saw from previous post. Guys I hope we will together beat this shit and laughing to this one day
Hey I also suffer from HOCD and other forms of ocd. But more recently my HOCD intrusive thoughts are killing me and I don’t know if these are just my thoughts or if it’s truly me. I started watching porn since I was 10 years old so during 5th grade. I started out by watching lesbian porn, and I remember having fantasies about having sex with my 5th grade teacher. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was my dream girl, and over that year I had dreams of her. But when I went into 6th grade, I still watched lesbian porn but then got into straight porn, and still had fantasies about my 5th grade teacher and other female teachers. And too since I can remember I had a huge crush on my neighbor she was the same age as me, and I used to get turned on just by thinking of her. Two things happen during 6th grade that made me very anxious and confused. 1.) my neighbor she dressed me up in some of her clothes, then she painted nail polish on me. (Which I didn’t mind but that grew into a obsession) 2.) I had a small experience with a close friend, he touched my d, and I got turned on by that. Then I got anxious because I didn’t know if I truly liked it or if it was because I was just anxious. Then I started to have thoughts “does this mean I’m gay, since I liked it?” Then I got more anxious then I got more aroused. But then I wanted him to f me, and that caused me more anxiety because I knew that wasn’t me. But I still watched lesbian and straight porn through all this and that calmed me down, and my mind clear, and too I always had crushes on girls, and I have always been emotionally attached to women, and never found men attractive in any way. Then in 7th grade I got a crossdressimg fetish (which causes me to get anxious) and every time I tried to stop that fetish, I got anxious. So I continued to cross dress to feel less and less anxious. And during all of this I still watched porn to relax me. Then when I went into 8th grade before that grade started my grandpa died which caused me to become isolated from everyone including family, which lead to depressive states (which I still go through depressive statesman now). But when 8th grade started I found new videos, cross dresser porn, and at first I was hesitant on because I didn’t know how to feel. All I knew it turned me on, so I watched one video, but still watched lesbian porn &strisght porn. Then one day, I stumbled upon gay porn (which I admit turned me on a lot and I had a orgasm to gay porn) and I felt guilty and anxious because I knew I wasn’t gay. But I quickly because addicted to gay porn but still watched lesbian porn and straight. But I found out that I was becoming less and less addicted to lesbian and straight and I became more and more dependent on gay porn to give me a orgasm. And every time I was finish watching gay porn I felt guilty and anxious. But I didn’t think much of it. Then when 9th grade came around, I knew that I wasn’t gay, and I got a girlfriend and by this time, I was still watching gay porn and cross dresser porn, but more crossdresser porn. But I still felt emotionally attached to my girlfriend during through all of this. And through all of this I still had fantasies about having sex with women (even in 7th & 8th grade I still had fantasies about having sex with women.) so knowing that it kept me calm and relax. So I’m 10th grade, I got a grip on my HOCD thoughts, i found my case manager attractive and hot, but by this time I couldn’t get it up for women, but I never last sight of who I was, but I moved on from gay and crossdresser porn and I started watching transgendered person porn, I got really excited because it was a women but with extra, so I was okay with it, but still felt guilty after watching it. But i was whatever, the normal high schooler attitude. But I still watched lesbian porn because I couldn’t give that up. But then in 11th grade, I got depressed because my case manger was going on leave because she was having a baby. Which I got mad because I thought she was leaving for good ( I have abandonment issues, and back then no one knew), so I was sick of watching porn so when I had my wisdom teeth removed they gave me Vicodin so I started abusing that, I was in a constant state of hazeiness and felt so calm and at peace. But that all changed once I got clean, and when she came back I had to have another surgery and they gave me OxyContin and I abused that and thankful I didn’t OD (I used to cover up my messed up childhood and cover up the psychological abused my brother caused me) then once I got clean the second time, I started having the HOCD thoughts again (even stronger). So over that summer I stayed clean, and started working out to clean my mind and to focus on something else. But over that summer I started watching more transgendered person porn, then I discovered sissy hypno and femdom porn (which I felt guilty because I knew this couldn’t be good for me.) also I have developmental problems too so I have a believing mind and if a women tells me stuff I take it personal. So I quit sissy hypno, and femdom porn and stick with transgendered person porn. And once in awhile I watched lesbian porn. So when I started my last year of high school, I tried my hardest not to watch a lot of porn because I wanted to quit badly. So I tried focusing my attention else where, but by this time in my life I was highly addicted to porn. But towards the end of my senior year I got back together with my ex, and we dated till we graduated and I fell head over heels for her. Then after high school, I got into sissy hypno and femdom porn (I felt guilty of and regret) but i got another girlfriend which I loved her a lot, and for her I cut back watching all of that so I could have meaningful relationships with her. And the first time we had sex I got really excited and happy because I had a lot of emotions for her, and I had no problems getting turned on by her. And we had sex at least three times a day and we dated at least for a year and a half. Then we broke up because she was getting over clingy and she got mad st me for hanging out with my brothers. So when we broke up, I fell back into that addiction, I used it as a coping mechanism to get over her. Then in 2016 I started dating another girl I met in college, and we both were head over heels for each other. I remember she jerked me during class, and that felt natural, and when we kissed I got somewhat turned on, and then when we had sex I got very excited with no problem. But then the second and third time, she had to call me fag to get me all the way turned on (which I didn’t think much at that time). So we broke up because her parents were up in our business all the time. And when I was with both of my ex’s I still had those HOCD thoughts “am i gay?” But it was easy to shake off since I knew I was with a girl and was attracted to them. And too when I was with them I still watched gay/transgendered person/sissy hypno/femdom/crossdresser/lesbian and straight porn. With the last girlfriend I developed a lot of weird fetishes that I would never do again, I made a gay blog on tumblr, sex toys appealed to me (would I ever do and get those again, no I wouldn’t.) When my last girlfriend and I broke up back in September of 2017, I’ve been single and now the thoughts are coming back stronger, “am I gay?” and my anxiety has been bad, and I test myself by looking at pics of men, to see if I get turned on. And I do, but I’m anxious during the time I look at the pics. But I stay watching any porn i have an urge for. But back in October 2017 through November I stayed off of porn and started working out and I felt good about myself and knew I didn’t need porn. But I had a bad anxiety attack that caused me to stop running and went back to porn. Then I felt shitty about myself because I was doing so good. But here I am, fixating about what I like (even though in my heart I know I’m straight) I enjoyed having sex with my past two girlfriends. And never found any man attractive. I just want to know if this sounds like porn addiction mix with HOCD thoughts or if I really am gay. Because I don’t feel like I’m gay, and I don’t find men attractive at all. Hopefully this all make sense otherwise I can clarify anything for you guys.
Hey man, I tried reading your post but it's kind of a mess haha, no offence though. It gets tiring to read when the whole thing is a single paragraph! Also remember that you're on a forum where people are trying to stop watching porn or anything related, try writing without this explicit detail because it can cause serious harm on someone that might see this as a trigger. Anyways, both the Performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction and HOCD will get solved by stopping the porn use. If you focus on going to the gym and socializing you'll get better. But definitely cut the porn. For me it was around 40-50 days when I started getting good erections and my head stopped thinking about other men in general. It might be more or less for you, just be patient.
Absolutely, everybody has the right to post whatever (s)he wants! Perhaps it's the porn, or more likely my internet forum addiction - I just haven't the patience for posts that long. And I really did mean to be helpful. (I figured everybody else was as damaged as I am, I guess.)
You couldn't read my post or someone else's? If so sorry I was typing on my phone haha and I will be gladly to re-write it all
Okay I went to my therapy session today, I go to therapy once a week, but my therapist said on the 19th she wanted to see me today because I had a mini emotional outburst, but enough with that. But today I went to therapy and I got good advice and all of my anxiety and my intrusive thoughts about being gay went down a lot. I don't think I'm gay, because I don't find men attractive nor do I get emotionally attach to guys and nor do I want any form of relationship with men besides being friends. I strongly believe that all the porn I watched over the years really distorted my thoughts and distorted my sexuality, maybe it didn't distorted to the point where I didn't get turned on by women, but distorted my thoughts enough to make me believe that there was a possibility that I was. Because I like I said in my previous post, I still got emotionally attach to women and still found women attractive. And from viewing all of that material wasn't helping my thoughts and anxiety problems throughout the years. I am going to stay far away from porn at all cost, because its not worth going through this much anxiety to find out my true sexual orientation, and I can only wish for the best!
@Roady "Can be insecurity, lack of self esteem, lack of manhood, rejection pain, whatever"... YES, everything of these I have, also the feeling that sex is something so spectacular that it is out of this world and it is a privillege for some people, not for all (i mean, WTF). Also the performane anxiety and fear from failure is there for my whole life in any aspect of my life, nobody can mantain erection when your body is shaking and you have a feeling that your heart will explode. The same feeling i have when i need to present something in front of class, I am barely standing because my legs are shaking. So I think i dont even have PIED, but I will still not watch porn ever again, because that was disgusting where i made. Thank you guys, there were some helpful stuffs. And one more thing, as i learned about what porn is doing to us and what is the system, i have no longer HOCD caused by cuckold movies, which was the main trigger for my HOCD. Now the only thing that is maintaining my HOCD is that fantasy when i was 13 or 14, that one day, that one time, it was lasting for maybe 1 or 2 minutes, and NEVER EVER i had ANY sort of reaction on males body before or after that, while i had billions and billions erections on girls in real life, including today, just by eye-contacting one girl. So, can someone give me some quality advice how to look on that single one situation that lasted probably 60 seconds 12 years ago, and is now ruining my life. I tried to think again on that fantasy, i just felt disgusting, anxiety and my thing went smaller then ever. If i heard some good argument from someone, i could be on the half way of full recovery. I think that was because of inadequacy as i said above, but who knows what my brain done there, i would really like to hear from you guys. Thank you
I got a stupid question, I am new to this site and saw a handful of stories that relates to mine. But how do I start my own thread?
Go into the forum you want, where you can see the threads example, this forum is 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunctions.29/ ) At the top right of that page is a big red box that says "post new thread" click that. for a list of forums, at the top of this page click Forums https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php This may be a little different on a phone, I'm on my PC.
WARNING COULD BE TRIGGERING: Porn can lead you down really crazy paths. It's like any drug, a little bit works but then you have to keep upping the dose. With porn addiction it turns into really bizarre fetishes because the normal stuff doesn't give you that excitement. Even though you might be a normal person to begin with, the porn can confuse you and you'll get interested in things you never thought you would be interested it. For me it was BDSM, dominating women(smacking, choking, really rough sex, etc). My GF was also watching porn so she was sort of into it but could not keep up with the amount of sex I demanded and how rough things were. Immediately after the rough sex, I would want to play the submissive role(femdom?)... Lol This is what porn does to you. The fetishes get weirder and weirder and you want to act them out. Some guys end up doing border line illegal stuff, it's very toxic. Stay away from porn and cut out masturbating...
So today besides having thoughts about if it gay I had intrusive thoughts if I was straight. It was a constant 24/7 “Am I straight?” and I didn’t know what to think, and every time I thought of being with a women I got sick to my stomach. And I got really upset because I don’t know what’s going on. Do you guys think that all of the sissy hypno/femdom porn I watch is finally catching up to me? And I just ruined my sexuality?
I am no expert on any of this - the following is just my opinion, having experienced some of the same self-doubts expressed on this thread. I'm just going to say it plainly: fetishes DO NOT equal sexual orientation. Let's say for instance you PMO to some some fetish fantasy (heightened by whatever porn variant you're viewing). Afterwords, you feel anxious, confused, maybe even replused. Then I simply don't think this experience represents your dominant orientation. Maybe there's some element in you that responds to this fetishistic trigger - ok, fine, whatever - but that doesn't mean it defines you in friggin totality. If however you feel normal and happy and content and your only worry is what society thinks, then perhaps you're on the trail of discovering your 'true self', and that's ok too. In other words, what matters is what is your internal feeling about all this, not any worries about what the external world might think. If internally you just feel uncomfortable or confused or bored or disgusted (after the dopamine rush is over), then I think you can just attribute the behavior to typical P escalation which over time tends to exaggerate even the most minuscule parts of our sexuality (in the ever-increasing chase for higher highs). I think in the vast majority of cases of males who've abused P for long periods, and fallen into this kind of extreme P, this is exactly what happens, and after abstaining from PMO the balance will re-calibrate and many of these worries will fade. Now, a further caution here, is that serious hypno style content can really confuse what those internal feelings really are. Your true feelings are yours alone, and should not be dictated by some idiotic anonymous producers of fetishistic images or videos off the internet. If you've been exposing yourself to this kind of psychological manipulation then it is all the more important that you cease immediately, and give yourself a chance to heal from it, and let your inner being re-emerge from the influence of such warped messages.
Thank you guys for giving your opinion! This entire site has been so helpful, and I am glad we can be open with each other on here and help one and another!
