Hopeless, Lost and Confused

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by fapstronaut2bemended, Dec 11, 2013.

  1. fapstronaut2bemended

    fapstronaut2bemended Fapstronaut

    I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years now. I love her very much of course but I don't think its suppose to be this way. Well there was a time where I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. Sure I still feel this way even up until now but it isn't the same I guess. Our first year together was very rocky. I wasn't always the best boyfriend to begin with either. What made our relationship rocky was due to cultural and religious differences. As much as I wanted to marry and have kids with her I couldn't because I would have to convert to her religion of Islam. Now I come from a Christian family and grew up going to church constantly. I held on to my beliefs and still do to a point strongly. I follow the Bible and in Islam a Muslim woman can't marry a man from outside her religion. So her parents wouldn't allow us together and she wanted me to convert. For a year we basically had arguments over religious differences. I really didn't want to loose her because besides the fact of us being different religions I really adored her and admired her. I wanted her and her only! So after a year of being with her she kept trying to distant herself away from me and I was terrified of loosing her so I told her id convert and pretending to drop my beliefs. I knew what I was getting into because I already had been reading the Quran and learning Arabic even though I didn't agree with Islam's ideologies, no offense to anyone. I was doing this to be with her only. So as soon as the process of conversion started I noticed I had lost some interest in her. I caught myself checking out other females and constantly wanting to be with other women. My relationship got very rocky after that and I would constantly cry by myself. I didn't know what to do because I don't want to leave her because if I stay with her I have to be something I am not but yet I can't be without her because I love her so much. As time went on after being together for a year, I lost more and more interest in her. Although I have noticed I lost interest in being with her, strangely my love has not changed for her one bit. Does this make any sense ? I care for her more than I did before. I can't go a day without her and I constantly find myself focused more on her well-being than mine. I am very scared for my own future with her because I constantly lie about my identity when I am with her and to her family claiming I am a Muslim. At home I am a Christian. I live a double life some days. At heart I believe in Christ and follow the bible as much as I can. I hide that from her and everyone around me besides family. I can't be myself and she wants to marry me soon and I am terrified because I can't even have the type of marriage I want with her and if I ever had kids with her, I don't want to lie to my kids. I compromise everything for her including who I am to be with her. I can't seem to leave her because I love her so much and I go crazy without her and have before. Is this normal ? Please someone help me I am going into tears typing this. I contemplated suicide and running away before but I couldn't do it. Some days when things get rough I still contemplate on just going far away from everyone for a couple of years.
  2. TenderTalons

    TenderTalons Fapstronaut

    2bemended, religion over the centurys has caused more problems for people than anything else in this world. Is this woman really worth the mental and spiritual anguish you're putting yourself through right now? Anyone who truly respected their significant other in this day and age should be able to respect their personal beliefs and choices about them. Frankly, to expect someone to convert to a religion simply for marriage is very selfish.

    Further, if she was distancing herself from you before and only came back to you when YOU CAVED and said you would convert, then that should tell you a lot about her priorities. On some level she cares for you, sure, but only to the point where you'll believe in the things she does. After that, she didn't care!

    You should figure out where your priorities lie. Things are never so bad that you'll only ever find one person to be with for the rest of your life. There are 4 billion other women out there just waiting for you to talk to them. I say for you to end your relationship with this person. It sounds toxic to your entire being, and you know you'll be living a lie the entire time you're married to her. The lie you're living now is already tearing you apart, even having you contemplate suicide! What will happen once vows are exchanged? Nothing good, I suspect.
  3. aron

    aron Fapstronaut

    My friend, it is really a difficult position you have gotten yourself into.

    I cannot tell you what to do, or advise you in any way. But what I can do is tell you what I would do if I ended up in your position: I would walk away. And I have multiple reasons for that:
    1) Even before loosing my virginity, I had a strong belief that no man should ever compromise his principles, his values, his morals, and all that he is, in the pursuit of ANY woman. If a woman cannot accept who and what I am, then I will find a woman that will. Women, or at least a large number of the ones I have met, had this tendency to "improve" their man. It's not their defect, it's just who they are.
    2) I wouldn't change for any woman because I would LOOSE HER RESPECT INSTANTLY. If a woman can see that I will compromise my core believes for her, she will loose attraction towards me. I won't be a man in her eyes, but just a rug to be tossed around. And the same way I want to be able to respect my woman and be proud of her, I also want her to respect me.
    3) I couldn't live a double life: one for my family and one for hers; what happens when they will want to meet?
    4) This compromise that I would have to do, would be just the FIRST. All my life I will have to compromise. She will ask me "you renounced your religion, but now you can't do/accept X?". From that moment, I will loose my status as a man in the relationship and she will be the one wearing the pants.
    5) If I am loosing interest in her now, e.g. looking at other women, what will I do after we get married?
    6) Continuing in the idea from above, I had relationships where I was very in love with a woman, but I still had to leave her (see 5). The breakup was physically painful, but I knew that being in that relationship any longer it would just be a slow death. I had to sacrifice my love for her so that I could get back my emotional and mental well being.
    7) Love is important in a relationship but it's not top priority for me. I could be with a girl and not be in love with her, and I would leave girls with which I was in love. Love, as a feeling, comes and goes. As any feeling, it cannot last a lifetime. That's why I build my relationships on other values, as respect, honesty, trust, and dialog. If I have these, then I will have a successful relationship; being in love with that person will be just the cherry on the top of the cake
    8) One of my principle is that whenever a relationship is more troublesome than fun, then I move on.
    my last argument
    9) Is my love for God more important than the love of a woman?

    This is just my point of view. Whenever in doubt, just make a list of pro's and con's and see where that takes you.
  4. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

    aron has some very strong points, I agree with him. In the end it breaks down to a single question? A huge pain now, lasting possibly for months, maybe years, or living in
    -lying to her (because you're not a real muslim),
    -to yourself(because you will try to act as a muslim, but you're not),
    -to your family (pretending to be a good christian)
    -and to her family (see above)
    -to your future children
    for about..uhm...the rest of your life. For what? For the love of a girl who don't respect you, but expect you to respect her? That's sounds just a too little thin.

    We all know that it's not this simple. Indeed it's a tough spot. But there is a way out. Maybe you'll lose a limb or two, but, you'll still live.

    One more thing, as a fellow christian. If you pretend that you're a muslim, and you marry her this way, the foundation of your marriage will be based on a lie. That's not a safe spot, it will eventually crash down on your head, and you lose her anyway...but that maybe maybe kids will be involved. Calm down, my friend, and think. Try to set your love aside for a while, and let the brain do the math. Courage!
  5. fapstronaut2bemended

    fapstronaut2bemended Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much everybody! Thank you Tendertalons! Thank you Aron! Thank you EarthDragon! Just reading this scares me but its so true. I just never thought I could love someone so much.
  6. I totally agree with all that was being said and advised to you above!

    I would like to add a remark here. Apparently you are placing your life's purpose and happiness into this girl's hands. In Christian terms you are idolizing, in psycholigy we call it co-dependence. Either way, if you continue putting her on a pedestal, your life will be ruined. Right now you feel scared, terrible and confused and I am sorry about it. But it will get worse, MUCH worse, if you do not sever ties with her. If you think it cannot get any worse, you are WRONG! The other men have already mentioned this to you, so I will not dive into it. St. John has said at the very end of 1 John 5: "Children, beware of idols!"

    Finally I want to leave you with a question. Imagine that SHE would be in a position like you. Where you would not budge and she would have to choose between you and her religion and family. You would basically telling her that she needs to give up everything for your sake. Sounds to me like you would be elevating yourself to the level of Jesus Christ (Luke 14:33). Which brings us back to the question of idolatry, and the breaking of the 1st and the most important commandment.

    Good luck, man!
  7. Jason2

    Jason2 Guest

    Run away! Do not convert to Islam, for you know that Jesus Christ alone is the Way. Do not throw away your soul for this woman, for in the end, after death, such apostasy will land you in Hell. Turn away from Islam and this woman, and never see her again! Pray to Jesus and ask for His strength.

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