How did I get to this point?

This is the second time I've been here. First time I cancelled after a couple of months- I suppose the problem subsided a little and I rationalized the rest of it away.

Now I can see - more fully- how insidious porn is; how it plants seeds in your mind to distort your identity and alter your moral compass. Even if you reduce your use, it is still working away at you, chipping away at your soul. There are no half-measures either. You have to stop everything, permanently.

Life has changed since I was last here (which was only about a year ago), however the pron has remained and tonight I did something that I am disgusted by and deeply ashamed of (not involving another person).

And I find myself asking the same question again... How the F did I get here?

My story of PMO began at the age of about 14 (I think). Perhaps I'm lucky, because this was the time of 56kbps dial-up internet. I remember waiting for minutes on some occasions for a high quality image to load up on the screen. And I collected pictures and archived them.

At 14 it was still quite innocent. I was looking at bikini babes and for the most part it wasn't harming me in any profound way. But it is strange how quickly it escalated.

I used porn on and off for several years. By 16 I was looking at more graphic stuff (straight sex, lesbian sex etc.)

There was a period of depression after breaking up with my first girlfriend at about this age. I smoked weed and together with the porn went to a very dark place. In fact, I was incredibly desperate for female company and sex, but I couldn't stop viewing porn for long enough to give myself a chance at meeting someone... then I had a homoerotic experience (received a blowjob from a guy).

This was probably the single most destructive moment of my life. I had always liked girls, and this experience seemed born out of sheer desperation and a lack of success with the women. But it planted in my mind a massive insecurity about my sexuality.

from 17-20 I was a mess. Smoking weed all the time, no exercise, binge drinking and trying to prove something to myself. Porn became a big part of my life throughout this period. It dragged my into some deeply sad and lonely states: Nights at home with a six pack of beer and some weed. I'd end up viewing porn (always straight porn), but then end up using a make-shift dildo on myself. I was isolated and locked in fear. I didn't even suspect that porn was a problem. To some extent it was an escape from other issues in life, but it was also killing my energy, drive and vitality.

By 21 I began to come out of this shadow. I think it just ran its course. I gave up trying to prove anything and instead I began to see other things in life; music, travel and meeting people who I respected.

It was a good time, but it wasn't long before porn returned. I was in my second year of uni (having transferred) and found myself surrounded by lots of very hot females. No prize for guessing that I ended up horny and frustrated again - and porn became a trap... The same pattern emerged in which I would have a real opportunity with a real female, but before I could take the next step, I would be alone in my dorm one night and unable to resist porn. Looking at the porn would then kill my confidence and self-esteem, so much so that I lost the chance. As crazy as it sounds, it wasn't until this age (around 22) that I realised porn was a problem.

To cut a long story short, porn was an on and off addiction throughout most of my life. It would emerge during difficult times and disappear when I had some balance. There might be a year without it, then a period where I viewed it weekly for several months.

But, for the last three years or so, I can't say that that's been the case. Porn has been a constant weekly or fortnightly event, and worse, it has changed the way I think about sex and the types of fantasies I have.

I have started identifying more with the female in the porn, and this in turn has caused me to get curious about trans porn and sissy porn (although not the hypnosis). The fantasy seems to have got its hooks into me.

And yet I go through my day to day life feeling frustrated by the attractive women i see everyday on the commute to my office in the city centre. So you see, there is now this huge disconnect between what I want in real life, and what I want when I'm viewing porn.

Until tonight I had not masturbated for six weeks, but I had viewed porn almost every week. I was trying to change my habit but I was constantly horny and keeping the porn-type fantasies alive. This was a mistake.

After tonight I realise that I have to go all in 100% and stop the porn and the masturbation.

I plan on doing 90 days NoFap. (Please feel free to contact me if you're looking for an accountability partner.)

I will try and keep documenting my progress here too.

 

Hello and welcome!

We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button | Day Counter | Rebooting Resources | Forum Rules | Glossary

If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!