Hi! This will be a long rant, so thanks for reading it all if you do! TL;DR - How do I know what I have to do to heal, and if I'm getting better? I've been addicted since I was a kid, age 8 or so, I believe. I don't know what a life without PMO is like, what it's like to be normal. It's funny, I've lived my whole life trying to be the best I can, to be an honest person, to be kind to others, to be wise and to give good things to the world - all while carrying this secret, this huge burden on my back that has made me feel inappropriate since I can remember. Whenever someone compliments me, or say I'm a good person, I feel deeply disgusted inside, because I see myself as fake. And I've grown used to this feeling, it's the norm for me. It's been a while since I've been trying to quit. Periods of small success, between huge periods of just not caring enough or not having any will to change. My personal best was a little over a month of no PMO a few years back, but then I relapsed and it all went down the drain. I gave up. It's even more ironic that I, personally, have always held honesty and purity in high regard, dreamt of finding the one that I would have with me forever, idealized this person and our relationship in my head for years, and did my best to not be with anyone if it wasn't serious and I believed it was "the one". All while being addicted to PMO. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ In the end, I actually found that person. We've known each other for many years now, and have been dating for almost four. We share the same values, we love each other very much, plan to get married as soon as possible, and she's the person I trust the most in the entire world. Just as we started dating, I told her about my addiction. How long it had been affecting me, and how I was quitting now (I was trying to at the time). Guess what? I lied. And writing this I notice that this addiction has been changing me for the worse in ways I didn't feel before. I'm becoming more pessimistic, more cynical, irritable... Anyway, I told myself that same lie that it would go away when we started having sex. You know how that turned out. I kept in this cycle of PMOing, feeling ashamed, hiding it, feeling like a cheater (which I despise - I'm such a hypocrite), not telling her, and repeating it all. For the past few months, I started becoming more sober, probably because of the anxiety medication I've been taking (I've had anxiety and a bit of depression for years now, which I partially attribute to this addiction). I started actually realizing what I was doing, and how I was gonna kill the relationship with the woman of my life. I decided to capitalize on that, and started to read more about the ugliness of the porn industry, watched documentaries like Pornocracy, etc. This all helped me fuel my disgust for this even more. But it actually also made me beat myself over even more for each relapse, and I found myself justifying the use of other types of porn (drawn, animated, etc.) as "more ethical" and not being as bad - all, of course, so I could keep doing it. Well, there was a point where it all blew up inside of me. I wasn't able to recognize myself. I felt so, so awful. I think I had an anxiety attack, and something inside of me clicked and said "you have to tell her". I talked to a good friend of mine while panicking, got some of the bad feelings out, and we both agreed that it would be better to wait for a better moment to tell her, as she was going through quite a bit at the time (and for the first time it wasn't an excuse not to admit it). I was still feeling horrible non-stop for days after this. I wanted to let it out, and I was also terrified of the possible outcomes, that she wouldn't forgive or trust me ever again. I had decided to wait until the end of the year, but one week later it happened that she was better, and I ended up telling her. All of it. I followed a lot of advice I saw online, and answered all her questions. She reacted much better than I expected, but it still wasn't exactly pleasant. She was very, very hurt for a few days, but she did her best to be positive and help me. I've promised her to give my all, and I felt motivated like never before. She offered to help me however she could. I've been PM free since then. We agreed that I would stay PMO free for a while (was for 14 days), and then we would go back to occasionally having sex. Finally, we arrive at my questions (writing all that down was so liberating, hahaha, thanks NoFap): I've been addicted for almost 15 years, and I don't know what it's like to be "not addicted". How do I know I'm getting better? Also, after reading some comments around the forums, I started to question if I'm on a fool's errand trying to reboot in PM mode, and if in actuality I had to stay a much longer period on hard mode. Should I go back? The first 10 or so days were a breeze. As it started getting close to 2 weeks, the urges started getting stronger and stronger, and having sex again was a huge relief, but after that the urges came back. Today was an especially bad day, one where I thought of giving up several times (thankfully I didn't), and what made me come here and write all of this, wondering if it's just a normal part of the recovery, or if I'm wasting my effort on something that will not cure me... Thank you all for your wisdom and support!
I think it is really important to be totally clear about what it is you are trying to achieve and why. If you can do that then you will know if you are 'getting better'.
Thanks! I want to be free from this addiction, proud of not having "dirty secrets", and able to love the person I'm with fully. I know how I am right now, and how I want to be in the end... what is hazy is how everything in between is supposed to be. Signs that can tell me whether I'm recovering or not, if that exists.
One thing to consider early on in this process, if you are interested in lasting change, is to really dig down and understand the root of the problem. Remember, porn is not the problem. Porn was a solution. You are using porn to numb, cope and escape from some underlying feeling (are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, stressed). Figuring out your "why", and addressing it in a healthy way is the first step in affecting lasting change. Once you've started down this road, you'll start to see the thoughts that come into your mind, and you'll understand what they are. "This is temptation." "What situation is causing me to feel this way?" "How can I deal with this issue in a healthier way?" You'll know that change is happening as you start to recognize the thoughts as they come in, and you'll feel your desire to act out melt away as you move toward healthier coping and healthier relations with your woman! Keep at it, brother! It can be done, and you can do it!
Thank you so much! I'll do my best to put your advice in practice. What you wrote gives me hope and encouragement!
It is Hugely important to understand the root of it all. My root was it was a secret for so long, I enjoyed lying about it. I am very similar to you. I found my dad's porn in JR HS and it has stuck with me ever since. I go to therapy once a week and that helps me have someone that holds me accountable. My therapist is Great. The therapists can be hit or miss. I got lucky. So once you find your Root and a couple family or friends that can hold you accountable it helps. My finance found out about my addiction the hard way. But, she has been supportive after the initial blow-ups. I started being honest. Being Honest has lifted a huge weight off my Ego and my shame. Always be honest to those that question you and Best of Luck
Yeah, it's so liberating to finally be truthful about it. I'll consider going to therapy (I went a few times to different therapists, didn't click with any so far), I'm sure it must help a lot. Thanks for your words.
