How do I re-enter society?

I've been alone for the past 7 years in a foreign country and it's driving me insane, I don't know how to make friends.

When I was young I found it easy to make friends, I didn't have to try, people came to me and we just became friends naturally. Then when I was 11 my whole family moved to mexico, I was angry at the whole idea so I protested Mexico and spent most of my time on my computer learning math or programming. I started pornography I guess to fill the lack of human interaction. Of course no one knew this, I always seemed to be able to make people think I was perfect and had no wants or desires other than knowledge. My mom would brag about how I ignored everything other than work, and about how the neighborhood girls called me gay because I ignored them. I wanted more than anything to find a friend but I couldn't find anyone that was not frustrating to talk to, they where too different, I had nothing in common with them, and we spoke different languages.

Almost two years ago, when I was 16 I decided to go to school because I was so lonely it hurt. I met a girl who followed me around and was extremely interested in me, I asked her why and she said I was different, she said she saw a light in me that she's never seen before (her words not mine). At this time I was extremely afraid of new people and talking in general so I avoided her. I stayed in that school for 4 months and they where absolutely incredible. I felt like after all those lonely years of studying and work it finally payed off. I was finally worth something to someone, everyone in school liked me, I was miles ahead of every class. Even with all of that I felt completely isolated form the other kids, the only person who didn't make me feel so alone was her, she was a so smart and fluent in English. I was a grade ahead of her and so we where separated during most classes but after a while I started to develop feelings for her and I thought she did too. I finally realized I was starting to really like her.... soooo... I did the worst thing you can do... and I told her... over text message... keep in mind I've never done this before and I would have done it in person but the circumstances didn't allow it. Next day she pretended like I didn't say anything. After that I tried to see her as often as I could. Everything went down hill from there as I spiraled into despair and holding on too her so tightly.

Anyway, fast forward after a year of rejection, she told me she doesn't like me, the reason she was interested in me in the beginning is literally because I was different, not in the romantic way but in the messed up way, and she told me no one could or would ever love me if I didn't fix it all. I can't talk to people like normal people can, I don't know how to live, I spend all day working, I don't know how to make friends, I'm basically an imbalanced chaotic mess of programming, mathematics, self pity and disasters.

Every time I see her on something like social media she's surrounded by people she's made friends with, she's always going out to events or organizing an event. Worst of all she's dragging other guys hearts around like she did to me. To me she was everything and I'm never going to forget her, but I don't doubt she has already forgotten about me and replaced me. I was just a stupid broken messed up human to her and if I ever try to talk to her she ignores me and I'm sure she just thinks I'm a loser at this point. It makes all the good memories from that time turn into bad because now I know what she thought of me.

It's now almost a year after she left my life and I've been working so hard to learn how to be normal, I tried a youth group, I tried going to a cafe, I tried connecting with old friends from that school. But I still have no friends, I'm still alone, and I'm still completely socially incapable of interacting without being afraid to ruin it all. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I could find a person and talk to them and befriend them, but I just won't like them, I've met a lot of people here and I just don't like to be around most of them. I can't find anyone I just click with like her.

I don't know how to meet people I like.

 

Thank you, it means a lot to hear. The same week she left I got my first job working as a freelance game programmer for a German company, It went really well and I ended up becoming their lead programmer after that and working with them on many more projects. I used that to ignore her for a few months but now the Job is taking me over and pulling me down, my boss asks me to do things I hate like make IOS apps or web apps and I do them for the sake of working. I hardly make any money and I get taken advantage of because I'm 17 and live in Mexico and have no other opportunities. It stops me from working on what I want. Earlier today I was wondering what it would be like to take all the money I got and just leave without telling anyone to somewhere no one knows me and leave behind everything I have for a few years. I wonder if that would solve my problem.

Anyway, for now my plan is to move up to Idaho when I turn 18 to live by the other side of my family that's not in Mexico. I went up to visit them a few months ago and it was the happiest I have been in years. I met a girl up there, it was like something from a movie; long dress, blue eyes, blond hair, fields of daises, over protective father who threatened to kill me if I didn't leave her alone despite having only met her 3 times and only being there two weeks, lakes, frog catching, tree climbing, Pius Sunday mornings. It was everything I wanted and everything I missed my whole life. So peaceful and so right.

I just don't know if I can make it. Things tend to go the way I don't want them too, especially when I want them really badly. Right now I am putting all my energy into getting to Idaho but I am burning out and slowing down and I don't think I can make it there. I don't have a college degree and I don't have the opportunity to get one, all I have is my 6 years of self taught experience and some projects, but everyone asks for work experience or a college degree so I need to find the jobs at the bottom of the barrel to gain the work experience to move up the chain instead of going through college. Idaho is not a very technical state so finding a job like that is fairly difficult.


What about you? Do you mind if I hear your story? I always love to relate to others struggles usually there is something to be learned through it.