How do you deal with paranoia ?

you must remove yourself when he tells you. I would say ask him to give you a buffer ( like "i want to talk to my "AP") then you can give yourself a chance to take a breathe and prepare yourself/remove your personal feelings from the situation. That way its not like he is dropping a bomb on you, he doesn't need to feel judged because he not telling you, he is telling his AP. and you must remember that too. You are not allowed to be judgmental. if you cannot do that, then you cannot be his AP.

Now i am by no means a guru of this addiction. I am simply trying to answer that part of your question. Im not saying my advice is best but if you really want to be his AP, then that may help you out.

 

I think you should not be his AP. If he tells you voluntarily about his slips and/or relapses, then that's an agreement between both of you (maybe even your boundary). But it's good for guys to have a guy AP, preferably someone who has a lot more experience than your guy. 12 step programs for sex addicts are a good "source". A supportive friend or family member could be another.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rock-stars-lists.124256/

Feel free to use any of ours.
These are my SOs resources.
Within are another 'veterans' links also.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...e/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/2015/12/i-believe-in-loving-like-you-give-a-shit/

Some resources

 

Oh, that's easy... Reboot is tough.
And Gaslighting is probably one of top ways fighting is escalated.
Watch out for it.
It helps healing for you and keeps them focused.
Also let's u know when something is amiss.
When you feel down or are being blamed its easy to self focus and not realize til later that's a major sign or symptom of something being wrong.
If you have a handy list to look at and refer back to, you miss less.

 

I divorced one too.
And mine also came to his own conclusions.... Doesn't mean that you might not come across this.
Truly entering sobriety is a long hard process.
Both of you will see completely new sides of each other.
Nobody leaves unscathed.
And I say this as someone who did not become really depressed about the whole thing.
It doesn't mean it didn't burn me at some point.
It doesn't mean it won't get you.
It's good to have stuff even if you think you won't, because maybe you will... You just never know when the journey begins.
And even if you never use it... You may be able to pass it to someone else who does need it because that is what we do.

 

I agree that you should not be his accountability partner that being said I am not sure if you are not that will stop the paranoia or anxiety that you are having. I was there, I left my addict partner but I know exactly how you feel. Looking back I wish I had not been scared to ask, I wish I had confronted him more and made him tell me, but I did not and when I confronted him finally, he would say well you did not ask, I did not lie I just did not tell you, the whole lying by omission. It all depends on what you as a partner need to know to feel safe and start trusting again. If you need him to tell you daily that he has not done anything, then ask for that that's okay, have him check in with you. It's not just about him overcoming the addiction but also about building trust with you. For me not knowing would drive me crazy maybe you are okay with it, but its what you need. For me I was never able to regain trust due to ongoing actions, and so the paranoia always continued and it started to take over my life and made me so unhappy. With time it will get better I hope for you.