How haunting it is to not being able to forget

I have always considered it as a flaw of human memory, but it is a flaw that can unironically can help your sanity and overall mood. I mean i remember a lot of stuff that im grateful to my memory for keeping them, but there are some particular things/people i would do anything to forget. Or just getting over it, which infact i mostly done in my head but somehow the grittier corner of my mind finding a way to raise the ship that was sinked a long time ago every once in a while.

Imagine you are letting someone who did not care about you even in the slightest to live rent free in your head. That is what i do right now unintentionally. Every hour, in everything i do, even on my own reflection on mirror. Im really starting to feel like this is getting out of hand. Most frustrating thing is i dont even care about her anymore (atleast not consciously), my whole attraction towards her is dead. I just want to move on!

We were never that touchy neither anyways, i considered her as a friend for almost years. And i assume she was not longing for anything else neither. Since it ended so poorly when i tried to be something more than a friend with her. But there was a strange feeling that was pushing me to be close to her no matter how. I was not even feeling anything sexual towards her since last few years, we were definitely friends and nothing more. And it was her who ended our friendship.

I have lots of regrets. I wish i never made her cry that day, i wish never acted like a douche to her sometimes. Fortunately I had came to my senses and built a proper personality ever since. Though interestingly she never avoided me so far. Last year we had a smooth friendship, interacting way more often than anytime else and there she got rid of me completely. Suddenly, out of thin air. And ever since i cant silence these voices in my head. I were longing to throw up this for a while, turns out it was going to be a porn celibacy forum with dozens of men challenging themselves to not touch their member down there instead of talking to her and getting this nonsense concluded properly

Only time can tell what will happen. I genuinely want to just forget all about that and move on but i wouldn't say no to an opportunity to conclude this issue with her neither, even if it means that i will never see her again

 

And the most emasculating part of this story is that she is enjoying herself with her boyfriend meanwhile im writing all these sissy stuff in the 3 AM

 

I dont know how temporary it is to be honest. It has been a year ever since and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I dont know if i can even get it totally out of my system for good.

Another factor could be that im currently in a gap term myself too. I have completed my preparation year kind of early in my uni so im in my hometown right now until autumn. (Im coming from a country where universities work pretty different compared to the US so i just avoided being an irregular to prevent an academic suicide) I thought it wouldn't be that bad to spend some time with my mom and my younger brother but turns out i was wrong. Nowhere to go, no new people to meet and stuck in this crappy town where all of these unpleasant stuff happened that my mind likes to loop over and over again.

And its not like im sitting on my butt all the day. I took a deep dive in self-improvement since last few weeks. Im working out hard, getting prepared for my major, training myself to have a better speech, learning two different foreign languages and all of these stuff. My muscles have already started to strike, getting leaner and im also getting better in intellectual means too. I know i will be out of this girls league in a near future, i have developed that awareness a while ago. But as i said, my mind or subconscious just won't let me take a breath sometimes.

By the way im irreligious, i dont have any god to seek refuge or a holy book to look for any spiritual advices. Nofap is just one of the self-improvement games im playing, and i thought maybe letting it all out could make me feel any better about this issue

 

I simply confessed that i consider her as something more than a friend in public, and for some reason that made her cry. Not going to lie what she done destroyed my whole confidence and i actually felt terrible for upsetting her for a long time (infact i still can't forgive myself for being such a retard) but i can't say that i didn't deserve to get humiliated neither since i made her make a scene in front of people. Though this was years ago and we still did pretty good in the spite of that.

To be honest i can't even tell how she perceives me anymore. Back when we were hanging out she told me that she doesn't have any friends in the school but our friendship would continue after the graduation as well, then she avoided me in every opportunity and ran away from me to her boyfriend, then when i tried to talk to her she said that "she does not want to talk in general" but still following me on IG and looking at my stories. I have started to believe that this girl is nuts.

Go ahead please. Im up for anything to get this bimbo out of my head

 

I really dont know. And not that i can do assumptions. Its not the first time i was exposed to these mind games but she was always a silent and weird girl. I mean im not a totally down to earth guy neither but this girl is absolutely creepy so i just cant make up if she was just playing or she got some problems.