Oh he’s definitely aware of how I feel. I’ve never shied away from telling him my emotions or what I’m thinking and especially not now. That’s partly what makes this even harder, he saw people use and lie to me, witnessed a friend basically lead a double life with me and what it did to me. Heard and saw it all and turned around and did worse. I’m pretty much an open book with him even when I don’t want to be because I got so used to processing really hard things with him so I don’t hesitate to let it all out. And he is not unwilling (at least I don’t think) to change or do what I ask. He’s been clean for about 15 months now (but his previous streak was 10 years so I can’t count on time as an indicator of safety) and has even stopped watching tv/movies and quit all social media minus linkdn which I control the password to (as well as the router, screentime, etc). So it’s not like he’s not doing things. I often have moments where I’m fairly certain that I will end up being the one to sink this ship with my inability to let go of what I wanted in my spouse in regards to fidelity, honesty, sexually, etc. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to start over with anyone else. But I also have moments where I want to throw in the towel having put so much effort into this relationship that feels like it was all wasted. He is eager and ready to start anew, and I am pissed at having put in all this work into us only to now feel destroyed on all fronts. My brain cannot integrate what happened because it seems so out of character - if he could do that then I really really must not know him at all. But now he’s open and he still doesn’t seem like he could have done it. I don’t know. I don’t know how on earth to start new with someone who has shown the ability to turn me into nothing and replace me with an image - and be able to do it so easily that he didn’t even realize that’s what he was doing. I just don’t know if a man can even have the ability to value his wife as he should after he’s done all of that.
Since I'm on the other side of things I don't know what to say. I feel like my wife would sympathize with what you're saying. She's absolutely said things akin to thinking she married someone she didn't know or that she was duped into the relationship. It's true I lied to her and used pornography as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I used porn to soothe myself and fight against my shame and find validation I should have gone to her for. I take full responsibility for that. On the other hand the good times we had together are still there; our shared interests, our shared values, our good memories. Those weren't imagined or pretend. All I can do it show her that I want to change for me and for her. Do my homework, do my readings, do my meetings, make proactive choices in finding a sponsor and doing steps and being open with her. Then all I can do is pray and hope that she can forgive me over time. Her therapist said based on our story, being only 4-5 months in is early and to think about the long game. I'm hoping he's being honest and looking for a real change. I'm hoping that he's showing you in his way and I hope you're able to find the path forward you're comfortable with in time, whatever it may be.
