I am an addict

So, the last couple of weeks I've been looking into my tendencies around porn etc. I've finally come to the conclusion, I am in fact addicted to porn. I know that this is why we are all here but, just admitting it is a big step for me. It wasn't until I realised just how extreme I had gotten did I see what it was doing.

Back when I was 10 and I discovered porn, mainly the porn I watched was your typical soft core porns, getting aroused even with seeing a naked man. This developed until by the age of 17 I was experimenting with BDSM in real life after having looked at that area of porn for 2 years. This has got gradually more severe so that I am not getting aroused by anything unless is it extreme in nature, things that I don't necessarily agree with, such as BB, body mutilation and even once or twice, beastiality. I don't agree with any of these things with regard to actual sexual acts but here I was looking at them when wanking.

Now as I got older I experimented with that area of sex. Submission, humiliation and generally not being in control. It reached a point where I almost ruined my life a couple of times. First, I spoke with a guy in Amsterdam who was going to own me 24/7. I would have no rights, no clothes, no job. I would exist solely as a sex slave for him. He asked for access to my email addresses which I gave him. When I got too scared and started to try and back out, he started blackmailing me and telling me that he would send the pictures he had of me to my family, my work etc. It got so severe that, at one point, he threatened to come and kidnap me myself as he also knew my address. Even after all that, I kept emailing him because that risk turned me on. It is at the stage now where, if I even send him a blank email, he will send that life destroying email to everyone.

Then, more recently, I was talking to a man, who was going to sell me into slavery within a brothel in an Arab country. This escalated equally and I almost got kidnapped, where I would never be found again. Still right now typing this I get hard even thinking about it, even though I know I don't want to do it.

With regards to the porn, I have actually turned down real sex just so that I could wank in bed to the extreme porn that I had.

I have now, after realising this as an addiction, cut all ties with these people, deleted all my porn, put parental controls on my laptop and deleted all apps relating to BDSM. I am going to try and beat this addiction.

I'm sorry if this has been graphic, but I needed to get it all out there so that if I'm ever tempted to go back, I can at least read this and know how far it could go.

I hope that soon this will be beaten.

Scottishguy

 

I already have a journal in the 20-24 section, but before it wasn't as...conscious as I am now. It will start to deal with this stuff as well. Definitely cut the ties, I have no way of getting in touch with them and, hopefully, they wont get in touch with me

 

Thanks for the support guys!

I'm now on day 5 since my reset and for all the horn is slowly taking over, I'm trying to stay strong!

Full update on my journal.

FW - in theory they still have my address, but I move in July. The first guy (that blackmailed me and took over my emails) is kinda left at the "he won't do anything but if I email him again all hell will break loose" stage, and the second guy I think I scared with a little but of legal savy but honestly? They could.

Hopefully not