I am not sure if i grew up with strict or wrong beliefs about sex

There's a mixed bags of problems here I'd say, something that you may need proffesional help to sort out.
Some of your problems with sex could definitely be because of masturbating too much and watching too much porn so I would suggest avoiding those activities as much as you can.

Now I'm no expert on this, but what you could do is read about what healthy sexuality is, read books on how to improve your relationship and your sex life with a partner, even if you don't have one. That way you'll be prepared for when you do, and you might have healthier idea's surrounding sex.

Also don't know what drugs you are taking but be careful with that stuff man. I've smoked weed nearly daily for almost a year when I was 16, and have expiremented with lots of other things. Though I don't use much anymore, only the occasional natural psychedelic, responsibly and in moderation, I know a lot of people who go down. Some with just weed, some because of MDMA, others because of amphetamine. Some who just take whatever.
It's never pretty and it's never worth it.

 

Am in a similar situation...

 

If weed makes you psychotic and you're also bipolar I would be very careful with other substances. You don't sound as if you have the mental health balance going to really do mind altering substances. As well as that your problems seem to run pretty deep and they definitely require proffesional help and not some bozo's on a celibacy forum who don't know anything about nothing.

I do know a thing about drugs and mental illnesses though, both from reading a lot of erowid and other drug forums, knowing about 3 very mentally unstable women, schizo and borderline type of deal. They all abuse drugs and trust me, it does not help their condition....

 

I think about this with myself too, that there is something in my upbringing, and also my society/culture, that screwed me up sexually. I don't think porn is the cause, I think it is a symptom of these larger causes. Parents were very conservative, never talked about sex, never showed displays of affection toward each other, never taught me skills how to attract women, etc.
I would say that the fact that you are thinking about this issue is a very positive thing and a good start. Envision the life you want to be leading. Then experiment with putting it in to practice. Observe the mental and behavioral barriers that get in the way. Then you will know what to work on. Reflect on it. Then change your thoughts and behavior

 

Did you grow up roman catholic? I did, and it fucked me up for a lot of years.

 

You mentioned you were an atheist, do you think that this might have anything to do with it. I was an atheist once and I was heavily addicted to pornography at the time. The metaphysical need for God is devoted to these other things when we don't believe.

 

I don't want to have sex nor sexual lust, becaue i want to be something higher than that, I feel and know I'm something more than just an animal, I want to love women in a pure way rather than them being the object of my desires, that's why it comes so damn easy to me, because I don't want it lol I want something higher than that. At the end of the day carnal pleasures bring short term pleasure but long term suffering, you are pretty much reflecting that, maybe get an higher desire thats what will heal you

 

you got an upbringing that is sexually repressive in a destructive way, no judgement to your mom from me because she experienced probably the same with her upbringing. A lot of religions dont have a constructive attitude concerning the difficulty that accompanies being a carnal and divine being at the same time. Todays culture is the opposite what is definitely not healthy in my opinion too. Finding a healthy balance isnt easy . You are insecure in dealing with real relationships, with real woman and thats definitely related to your upbringing.100 procent sure. u lack the confidence to express your needs and desires in a authentic way. Be gentle with yourself and try not to judge yourself. Find some professional to talk to so you can overcome those insecurities. you will overcome them with trail and error in the real world not just talking about your problems. Todays culture is the opposite, they glorify sex and this leads to an empty life. having a meaningful relationship, being vulnerable with someone you love is very healing too. i still have a lot of insecurities with women but i dont see them solely as sex objects . I try to see them as the human and divine creatures as they are. With good aspects and bad aspects in their personality . we are part animal, part divine ,people with urges but also people that crave oneness with all.
i would stay of the lsd , i had an intoxication from that and it never went away anymore. It took me 10 years to recover and be functional again. its very rare but it happens . its like having a flashback but 24/7 while you know the colors and wrong perceptions you see are not real. its very hard to live with in the first years. now it improved 80 procent but we are 18 years later now. be careful i would say.

 

you shouldnt blame anyone, but i know that is hard. Im pretty sure someones upbringing is of great infuence but what matters is what you do with it now. It is always interesting to talk to a professional therapist but it is is taking action what changes us the most. for me it is still difficult to be secure with women but it has improved so much it doesnt hinder me anymore in going for it. the negative encounters are very normal. if u lose your erection , well woman hate that . they hate it when it happend to me and they hate it when it happens to you , it is nothing personal in the end.if you stop watching porn and orgasming for a while and work on yourself the good erection with a woman will come back. You will get staying power with experience and horniness. its like everything, if u avoid it the fear only gets stronger .and trust me if you get back with a woman for the first time it will happen again. but thats ok, just be chill about it. give her an orgasm first so she wont mind that much and then let her give you a massage.women love to satisfy a man . when she gives you massage you will relax much more and be less prone to losing your erection. it often comes from self judgment when you'are making love, from being in your head. do a lot of sports. do sports before you have sex, that will take you out of your head and give you more of n extraverted energy. i dont know if you take psychiatric medication but they are very detrimental for your sexual performance. but if you need them , take them. your 30 now stop doing this nonsens with drugs you re not a teen anymore. work out hard or find a passion.coke and mdma are for pussies man , you wanne be that guy that can have good sex but want to do do these weak drug things too. well, some can handle it and some cant and you just like me, you cant handle dope. if weed makes you psuchotic , well that should be a good indication you need to stay of every drugs and i have nothing against drugs but they just arent for me and they make a pussy out of me. a crybaby.

But if you find a passion , something you are good at , you dont need that. if you're bipolar you should def stop doing these things , its self destructive. and i dont care how other people can handle them , i cant anymore and you neither. so stop fapping , be active ,what ever you like and stop doing drugs , and yes no drugs at all. not even sometimes, take ownership of your life and i know its hard . it will take time but you are worth investing your time in , its your f*cking life!