I was at a very low point yesterday. When I go an extended period of time with minimal sleep, I get really cranky, angry, and then sad - all within the span of a couple of hours following a mental shutdown. I just go into autopilot. I've been waking up in the middle of the night for the past month. Sometimes I can get back to sleep following an hour of reading, other nights I'm wide awake for the rest of the night. Which leads to the night before last where I went to bed at 10 P and was awake at 2:30 A and could not get back to sleep for the life of me. By the time 3:30 P hit yesterday I was done mentally. I stormed out of work, nearly got into a car wreck, and managed to workout. I got back to my apartment and was at my wits end, so I called my sister to talk. I broke down crying in frustration at things in my life over the course of the hour that I was on the phone with her. The rest of the evening I spent in reflection about things and what made me upset. I like to watch YouTube videos of people playing games and tool-assisted speed runs. Lately I've been on a Super Metroid kick; I watch a few minutes which makes me tired for some reason. There's this one part in the game where Samus kills an underwater boss and its offspring float down to mourn their parent's death. This part resonates with me somehow and it did so especially last night; just thinking about it made me really sad and I began to tear up. All of the day's events then came over me in a wave and the next thing I know, tears are streaming down my face as I'm laying in bed watching Samus Aran shoot her way through corridors. Yeah, I cried myself to sleep last night following a very rough day. But I didn't fucking PMO, which was my own way of crying in the past. I'm willing to physically cry every night if it means keeping the mental clarity I've gained these last 34 days.
Ever tried meditating? At first I was thinking it's silly, but it really clears up your mind, you lose all your unsorted thoughts and just relax, I think it could help you sleep better. Everyone should have a good night of sleep, keep up the good work man!
Letting go of the animosity we filled ourselves with in PMO, eventually has to make us more human Tears are beautiful, don't think of them as a weakness. We do so much to hide our emotions from the world, in the end it leaves us feeling dead and numb on the inside...I hadn't cried for years, but I cried last morning, so damn hard, my reasons were a little bit different. I miss someone, who helped me immensely in the past, who I am no longer in touch with. But that is why I am fighting PMO. I became weak when I was with them, because I made them my crutch, while ostensibly thinking that I was their support. When that person left, I found myself going back to PMO but this time it was clear of how this was an addiction, I only would do it for the numbness and to avoid facing the pain within. I'm 10 days in, I'm counting on things to get that much more emotionally tougher further along. If more tears are what it takes to cleanse my soul from all this filth that I have been in for so long, then I will gladly cry myself a river too. Thank you for sharing your experience. It always helps and motivates to read about anyone's quiet struggles. Stay strong bro, we'll all kick this shit to the curb soon enough.
Gosh. It's really hard not being able to contact someone for a long time, especially when they have helped you like that. Socializing goes such a long way.
