I don’t know where to go from here...

I don't have any great advice for you but I just wanted to respond and let you know that you aren't alone and I've been in that exact same spot. Still am, to some extent. It is rough and I'm sorry you are going through this. P does so much damage it is unbelievable.

 

Johns80,
I am really sad to hear the pain in your post. I'm in the exact same place, except my husband is the one who tries to hug or kiss me and I just turn away. He is heavily into fetish P and like your SO, said that he kept a strong line between fantasy and real life. His fantasy fetish P is "just pixels on a screen," "means nothing." Yet he can't throw out the immense stash he built up while addicted. I still haven't forgiven, although he has been off P for about 2 months. After a really big argument this week, I have given up. I can't offer anymore support and I don't care. I don't know what he can say or do at this point to get me back.

 

I am going through exactly what you are. My SO sounds just like yours. I am having a bit of a breakthrough this morning. I am reading a book about narcissism, and I am having a profound insight on my husband's behavior. All along he has written separate "plots" for the people and things in his life. These plots are rigid, and people play the "roles" he has written for them. "Wife" is one plot (she makes dinner and keeps the house clean, she is socially acceptable and pretty and makes him accepted among colleagues). Porn is the fantasy life he gets to switch on at will when he wants to, and the pixelated images "serve" him. its like everything and everyone in his life is a piece on a game board and he moves them around how he wants to. He controls the game. Now that "wife" has intruded on the porn fantasy world, his controlled separate narratives about "porn" and "wife" are messed up. This is why I think my SO is so angry. But I'm angry too. He never thought to ask whether I wanted any part in his fantasy life. It was his little world to control for himself. And I was part of another little world he controlled where I had my "wife" role to play for him. Part of my anger is feeling shut out of his fantasy life without even being asked if this was an option. There was just an expectation that he could have his porn and was to be the "wife." Part of my anger is feeling manipulated. I was a little piece on his game board to move at will. He is resentful that I have autonomy and have moved away from the "script." Now I see how his frustration with other people in his life comes about. It is when they break away of the "script" he has written for them and they decided to do something else with their their lives that is outside of the plot he has written for them. He gets extremely critical of these people, and I never understood why he took other peoples' decisions so personally. Now I understand. Porn and wife are separate parts in this grandiose image he has of himself as a master of a world in which everything and everyone is an object to be manipulated. My SO has said since I discovered his addiction, "the ground has fallen out from under me." Now I get it. He is not the master controlling his little plots anymore.

 

Hey @Johns80 I am really sorry that you are going through this but please know that many of us can relate. You are not alone. The thing with addiction is that it will never make sense. No matter how much we try to understand it will never make sense how a husband could harm his marriage just so he could play with his penis. The thing with addiction is that it keeps men immature. Incapable of intimacy and maturity. All at our expense. My husband refused sex with me fir 2 years because he was so enamoured with PMO and he lied to me constantly. Now we wives have to pick up the pieces of a marriage shattered by their selfish choices. Right now focus on you as best you can. Eat well. Exercise. Do what you love. Nurture you through this pain. I am 7 months post d day and msybe 2 months since the last lie. As much as it doesn't get easier, it gets different. Not as acute and more chronic. It is so hard to let go of the anger. In my case I think the anger serves to protect me so I don't get hurt again. Could it be the same for you?

 

I know how you feel too. I don't forgive him, and I don't know if I ever can. But I have little anger left in me right now, it's mostly hurt and sadness. Even though I don't forgive we are working through this, for real this time(I hope). It's been a bit over a month since this last DDay (this has been going on for years). And because he is working hard I am trying too. I still have my breakdowns, still have questions. I'm working on myself. Trying not to let the pain and betrayal drag me down all the time. Sometimes I have to fight my way past it, but it is getting easier to do. Though the pain hurts just as much, that hasn't changed. Just the way I am dealing with it is.

 

So much pain in the posts here. We're not only dealing with the strange logic of addiction, but the lying, the selfishness. The feeling of having been manipulated. We were shut out, and a whole narrative was written about us without our input (wife should be this, not that; wife can do this for me, not that...). Now that the door is wide open, our SOs are upset that the separate parts of their lives have collided. I can't really sympathize with that self-created problem. That would mean I need to sympathize that a liar and narcissist got caught at his game and his separate worlds aren't separate anymore. I don't use people that way. I don't compartmentalize people into separate roles that they play for me. "Wife serves me in this way, porn serves me in this way, X person at work plays this role in my life," etc... To sympathize with my SO would be to accept his way of thinking. He's sad that parts of his world that used to be separate are now smashed together. He's upset because the wife who used to be blind to the manipulation and the lies doesn't accept them anymore. I just can't be sympathetic to that!

 

This reminds me of our DDay #1. After his phyical infidelity and going through the affair recovery the Bull in me (I’m a Taurus) came out full force. I began to call him out and I became sometimes very angrily demanding about it, understandably so. He had even stated to me at one point that he preferred me being emotionally passive about his behaviors. I remember telling him that’s never going to happen again, I won’t be doormat and allow him to treat me that way anymore.
He did have quite an increase with Narcissistic behaviors during the escalation of his PA that way as very emotionally and verbally abusing.
Thankfully after DDay #2 and his reboot that’s all done away with from the narcissistic tendencies he was exhibiting.
He knows I won’t be manipulated, gaslight and dismissive towards me anymore. Thankfully I have found a better balance in dealing with it for myself too.

 

That is great to hear. He learned something! I have been afraid that my SO and I will have a serious conversation about how things need to change, and he will agree and apologize just to placate me and then go right back to his bad behavior.

It is interesting that you observed your SO's narcissistic tendencies escalate with PA. I think my SO's obsessiveness (he is a collector of multiple types of objects) reveals a general need to control. Objects are easy to acquire, organize and control, and they don't judge. I think he put his porn files in this category, until the porn got out of hand and it controlled him. Then he was actually willing to acknowledge that he needed help. I am beginning to think that he has been thinking of me as an object. Good object when it knows its place in his system and can be controlled. Bad object when it violates his organizational system.

This is also great to know. First and foremost, that you know how to deal with it better. But also that you have set guidelines for how you are going to respond to his emotional manipulation and belittling. I am writing up some thoughts on this today. Your example is inspiring me to go forward with this.

 

I should state he has worked really hard at breaking those tendencies and becoming way more mindful of it, especially towards me as I was the one who received the brunt of it.
He will recognize and apologize for it, so it’s easy to forgive and move past the little slip ups

 

He had done this too until everything came out and quit porn completely. It’s when he truly started to take me seriously and saw everything truly could come to an end with us the decision and desire to change happened.

 

This what meant to quote, I need more coffee this morning!

 

Going on 4 months 100% clean from PM, but we also had 4 years of affair recovery before this.

 

@Johns80: will your PA login to NoFap / engage with the forums here?

 

Addictions suck. I am seeing so much devastation around me and in my own life. There’s no making any sense of it. On the one hand if you understand the working of addiction on a person you can have some compassion. On the other hand, the personal devastation of being deeply connected with an addict and the surrounding chaos send one into volcanic emotional states. It’s so hard to understand why they just can’t get clean and stay sober. Why do the do all this destructive stuff? I hate to even think about it. It makes me want to get into my self destructive nonsense.