Hey, just wanted to describe some crazy behaviour of mine in the past and I wonder If someone has experienced the same. I never had a girlfriend, maybe related to PMO. As I'm alread 31 there were many questions from friends and relatives why. Always when I got asked questions like "Do you have a girl?" Or "When will we get to know your girlfriend?" and I had to answer I didn't even know what to say. I just found out about PMO addiction and the effects some days ago. I hated these situations that occured for years since I was about 16 years old, it felt awkward. It caused terrible pain in my heart every time, because I wished so much I had a girlfriend and I just had no answer. I always thought there is something wrong with me. I would have told them but I didn't know what it was. The baddest thing was my grandma, she had alzheimer and it happend that she asked me these questions in intervals of 5 minutes and less again and again and again - in front of my whole family. Of course, she did nothing wrong but that always made me feel so bad and I got depressions for days, thinking I'm a looser and just wanted to drop dead. I even didn't want to see my family some times and made exuses for not participating on family celebrations. So then, I started to build up a facade making others believe that I don't want a partner at all, describing myself as some kind of hard guy walking alone through the world. The questions stopped but now they all may think I'm a maverick, some kind of strange lone wolf. Somehow it reflected back to me again and I started to believe it b myself. I became emotionally distant. Empathy to other persons and their problems tending to zero. If someone tells me about his problems I compare them to mine and often I think "so what, that's all?". Now it feels like no one is interrested in me anymore. They may be frightened by all that sh** I told. I can fully understand as that was exactly what I wanted to achieve but maybe that was a bad idea. I don't know how to get out of this, I can't just tell them "Hey, funny story, I always lied to you all because I'm addicted to fapping to hardcore porn". I hope you can understand, I need to translate some words to english and I'm not sure if I pick the right translations. Has someone experienced sth. similar? Any thoughts?