I hated you all -My Book of Forgiveness

Hi guys, I saw here one post yesterday.About non nude young, teen, models etc. And maybe this will seems that it s nothing have to fo with that, but I would like share my personal story. Coz I m dealing with man which seeing in the woman just sexual object and no human being.

Coz Im dealing with my past. Coz I m dealing with fact , that I hated these kind if man years.AND DEALING WITH THE FACT , THAT NOW I LOVE ONE .


22years ago, I was just kid.Never wearing nothing provocate or sexy , just normal stuff.Has 13,looking at seventeen coz body.I had my dreams like all. Hadn t good childhood,father left nd mother hated all men.
So, when I was thirteen some men tried to rape me. How he looked at me ,his touches and whispering will be unfortunately remember for rest of my life. I started hate men but more myself. had a first relationship in almost 18,then another.The last one with someone who cheated me .And it was started with porn and fantasies..

And maybe thats fade, destiny, whatever, now I love , deeply love someone, who said after months in LDR, "honey I m sorry , I m addict to porn and etc..and also teen non nude etc. So think you know imagine, how was my reaction ..after cry I was said I stayed but will never talk with him about that. And we were happy.But I was always thinking " what if" and he was not speaking about lota of things. Then we started speak about that, he shared his feelings , but every single time, when he start spoke, I was not seeing him anymore but the man 22years ago.. And I was feeling really down and depply deppression.

Lot if time I was thinking about this one -- if the man from my childhood were able seeing me like kid, teen, human beign, not like perfect ass and big boobs, will be something changed? Its will not happened ?

Coz this man changed all my life.And ruin , or I was ruin every my relationship then.I hated my body for years, I hated mysekf fir years.Every single day. I m blamed myself.I wish die a lots qhen I remembered that.. And despite that I m really loving and taking care person, I hated men, porn etc. Even in my sexual life I was never making love with noone, just had a hard sex. I think its really weird but maybe coz that my first sexual exoerience was almost rape..maybe that somethi g connected in our brains.. I hated all men addict to porn, objectifying women.. ofc at the most in the teen and young ...

But like I said now I deeply love someone like you.. I knowing him like human beign, I knowing him like great company, funny, but at the most I know him like man, who have a huge problems qith resposnibility and" be adult "but despite all I knowing him like loving man. I LOVE HIS SOUL AND SPIRIT .He is completely someone else, when the porn etc is not in his days . But the truth is that something what he will be deal with all his life and have to fight with that.
And I would like to deal to. Im sorry Honey, I hated you. And I hated all of you, even if I never met you . I think ist really similar --- you have boobs, ass, sometjing, so you are not human beign-- you are addict to porn etc , so you are not human beign. I met here guys, which are.

Maybe when we have learning about ourselves more..maybe when you will see me like human and you imagine that everything what you wanted to do me, doing aomeone to you os someone who you loved.. And if I will see you like human, struggling through these shitts.


Yeah, maybe I m just naive. I have serious illness and I know I need to start my Book of Forgiveness. Truth never hurt, but all lies behind.
I dont wanna deny or impact noone and I hope I dont so.
From bottom of my heart,
Citadelle

 

Hi, thank you Yes we are , he is addicted years and years, to P, PMO, etc etc..I also think that he using the webcams sites...even if he never told that. At this moment we are in break, our touch is "have a good day, I go " he wants that.He was doing well, then we starting fight ,realky every single day (he has generally problem to know how to be in stress and be reponsible and discipline)then after three days of quite, he just send me a msg that he love me and dont deserve me. And that he need and want to break. He deny speak about whats happened, he deny speak about how he spend these days, he deny talk with me generally. But "he loves me still, everything will be ok, weare still together").. But I think if I die today, he will be really not give a fuck. Then question is why I m not quit it finnaly.. I know.

 

Across world..18thousand ..you must think that I m crazy now .. Otherwise I m not looking for man ,if not for nothing else ,coz that I m really serious ill without cure.But I agree with you and was also told to him it more times, that the way how he treat me its killing me more like everything..I knew his true collours...thats that.. Without addict and all shitts. And I never love noone like him. 249day without, Man !!!✌✌STAY AWESOME ! That"s great !Wish you a love and power with all my heart.

 

Hi, thank you for comment, I really appreciate is. It s hard and weird for me to talk about this stuff with someone "from other side" but how I said think its can be helpfull. Genneraly nofap helps me a lot. I like a lot though which I saw it "today. I will not do it", think with all addiction etc its good have a simply daily goals and maybe the state of mind that yes I can do it ,hurt myslf and others,but I just dont want. It was somethingwhat helps mi quit the smoking after many many years and lots of try. Good luck.

 

Hi☺ don't apologize, that's ok and I m thinking about your words. He was here for me, when doctors say that I ll die, he was with me when I was pushing him.away. He was here .And I m very commitment person. For me say to him now "ok bye , stay alone with all your shitts" honestly I can not imagine it how I can let down someone who didnt let down me, when I needed .Thats me .. but I think that I ll say him that I will be with him only if he is gonna start fight again, I dont know... I have SLE-lupus with brain lesies etc .Had serious problems last days, will know on Tuesday if its will possible chemotherapy or not. How are you doing?wherever you will need I m here .Thank you for your support, thats mean a lot .

 

Hi again so I said him today that all what I m asked is one video in the morning and one in night.. cozI really need to know at least if he is allright. The answer was no. So thats point, when is too much for myself ..thats over right now. Coz I really wanted to everything ..but yes you can not. ..almost one year ..
Really glad to hear that you are allright. STAY AWESOME!!!✌

 

Yes, coz I dont want be with someone who dont want be with me.You can not do everything for someone who dont w

After his "have a fucking break, chill out and have a beer or something".. I dont know what he deserve, but I dont want be with someone who is able after almost one year relationship say me this.I did my mistake and I m not perfect in anything and I know his brain and aoul is now totally fu*ked up by porn, webcams etc but guess its still not reason that you are bale to say this to someone who loves you. Definetely you made my evening right now with this idwa about talking in my language.It's really nice.My brain and English are really not the best combination Hope you have some nice plan plane? for weekend !

 

I felt commitment really, I wanted to marry him...(silly naive girl)he is so great without this shitts...he choosed so ..time to go.. Enough about that .. Oh sick?hope nothing serious, or ? You know woman after break up --movies , crying and I hope also some ice-cream #diaryofbridgetjones46747875 Think its will be weekend with Mr.Tolkien !where are you from?

 

I hate fever, hate them!Hope it will be gone soon! Bridget, lOTR and Hobbittt✌and dreaming about Magnum So how its will going with you, also movie marathon?will be try to smile .. I m from Slovakia.

 

Fever of Saturday's night !! thats great combination be sick and have to learn ! hope you have at least something what helps you. Almond is good but CHO-CO-LATE !!! I really need to go to the shopp right now haha !Dont know if you like Hobbit or LOTR , always one quote on my mind which keepings me going through all darkness..It's like in the great stories, Mr.Frodo.. They were just ordinary folks... Had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't.They kept going.." lots of power, man