Ignore my ironic profile picture. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I am completely screwed - my life is passing me by and I don't have the will to change anything. I started trying to quit porn over 2 years ago. Since then, I've been building myself up to just to bring myself down, constantly crashing over and over again and I eventually I just lost all hope. I used all the motivation I had, I tried my very hardest, but I succumbed to addiction each and every time because I am just not strong enough to succeed. My best is not enough. I believe I am the worst case scenario porn addict. I watched a lot of porn before I spiraled into depression, but was not truly addicted or a experiencing any symptoms yet. I had an event that occurred in my life that made me question what the point of giving my life my all even was. I felt inadequate and hopeless and used porn to feel something good. My unrelated depression facilitated an extremely deep wiring to PMO, in hindsight. By the time my event-related sadness disappeared, I was hopelessly addicted to porn. I experience extreme depression, anxiety, and hypochondria that led me to question what was wrong with me. I found NoFap and have been struggling each and every day to find out who I really I am free from this fucking disease. But I have failed so many hundreds of times at this point that I have no reason to believe that I can actually succeed. For instance, my longest streak was 15 days...Months later I'm struggling to even get 2 in a row. If I can't even get close to where I once succeeded, and where I once succeeded wasn't enough to see any lasting positive change, then I believe I am screwed. Because my addiction took hold at such a young age (first exposed at 6, started watching PMO at 12, abused it during my event-related depression at 14) I truly wonder if it is even possible for the free-thinking part of my brain to ever win against all the wiring to porn. I have experienced so many more problems than most people who succeed, and I still can't use that as motivation to quit this. My scalp has been covered in dermatitis since I got addicted. I have had terrible acne and skin in general even though almost all of my peers have grown out of their acne by now. I'm a teenager but my skin looks much more aged and tired than it should. Constant bags under my eyes no matter how much sleep I get. Constant back pain due to trying to attempt autofellatio during binge sessions where I am numb to normal PMO (this goes away when I stay active, but because I always fail and end up sitting hunched over for hours straight it is here to stay, last time I tried that was probably about 8-9 months ago, shows how bad I screwed up the muscles, fortunately it doesn't seem to have done any skeletal damage as when I can drag my helpless self out of bed and manage to exercise in the morning the tightness and pain goes away and I experience no significant performance loss). I wasn't able to do as well in high school as I wanted to. I can't socialize properly. I could go on. I remember thinking in the middle of sophomore year of high school that no matter what, at least I can could get through that year and I would certainly have quit by the end of the year, and I would still have two whole years of high school left. I graduated around a month ago and things only got worse since I started trying to quit. I can't even fathom my old mindset, how I thought that the idea of spending months in porn addiction was some impossible thing, and that I certainly had the strength to quit. I can't believe all the pain I would cause that relatively optimistic kid. How I would ruin him. Makes me want to curl up on the floor and cry myself into non-existence. But I am far beyond feeling. It's been a long time since I was able to feel that much emotion. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for hopeless people like me to just accept PMO and stop fighting against it so at least I could live with a bit less self-loathing. I think PMO has claimed this life.
Then you have already lost.... Maybe you have a 1% chance, no 0.1% chance of beating porn addiction. But if you accept defeat right now then you have a 0% chance. You know how long I've been trying to quit porn successfully??? 3 fucking years! I have had streaks of 200+ days, 120 days, 60 days, etc. And I lost for various reasons but I NEVER gave up and said "well I guess porn is fine ladedadeda". You never give up, look how depressed you are. You know if you could quit then you would be happy. My longest streak was about 203 days, I relapsed because I was forced to watch porn. Why did you relapse? How about this, quit porn first then quit masturbation. Fuck society. Don't worry about how you look right now, just focus on quitting porn. Fuck those kids who have it better than you. Accept that you have problems now and then give it your all to better yourself. I want your goal to be to be greater than those peers. You have to find your own way, that may keen quitting porn first. I was exactly like you. Pmo just killed all emotions I was like a fucking machine. You will be that kid again, but you already know what you have to do. Quit porn and you'll be happy. Unfortunately no one can help you. I can guide you through it if you wanna be my ap partner I'm 20 yrs old so I'm not some old head so I knw how highschool can be. But you have to have the guts to destroy porn from your life. Dedicate a year towards rebooting. Let nothing else matter. Get up on your feet, dust yourself off, and quit porn once and for all.
Thanks for the support, it was very uplifting to read that. I set up two new counters. Reflecting on what I wrote...A worst case scenario calls for the best case recovery. I need to be 100% in on this and always focused. I set current goals of 7 days for quitting P and M. I really need to make this my top priority, just kind of accept that this is what I need to do and that it will be rewarded. I think one of the things I overlook as I how I let myself push it to the back of my mind each morning and instead of exercising I go on my phone for a bit, read some stuff, wait for the urge to come basically. Need to exercise and do the important stuff first, nothing is more important than that: improving myself.
It's clear you're feeling at a very low ebb, but your message sounds like it's full of fight and energy. You really want to behave differently. So what's stopping you? By the sound of it, mostly habit. You absolutely have the power to break those habits. You're a good person and can see this problem very clearly. If you keep a cool head, you can leave that problem behaviour and do good things instead. Volunteer for something. Read a new novelist. Take some exercise. Whatever it is that will take you away and give your mind some breathing space from P. (I'm sure you'll still feel the urge you talked about, for a while at least. It sounds like you can recognise it, though, and that's something not everyone can do.) It sounds like P is associated with lots of bad memories, so maybe you need to create some good memories to draw upon. I'm not going to comment on the tough stuff you allude to because I don't know about it (you certainly need to forgive yourself for M in the worst of your depression: you could have done worse to yourself at that time, and thank goodness you didn't). But I had friends in school who had problems with psoriasis and late-occurring acne, and I'm sure they both had times of feeling bad, but they have also gone on to lead fulfilling, happy lives. Personally I still struggle in social situations - and when I was a teenager I was about thirty times worse - and yes, I'm on this site now, but I have had a lot of happy days and friends who don't know anything about me and M. Remember this post and how angry you are at this behaviour. Picture all that energy in a battery and picture that battery in your pocket. It's going to power you for at least the next 7 days. ~S
Comparing yourself to others will always leave you feeling small. As far as you're concerned, you should be the only one you have to worry about. Other people have a vastly different life than you do. They grew up in and they live in a much different environment. Experiences, life lessons (whether taught directly or indirectly), are all much different and come at a different time for everyone. Never fall into the trap of validating your existence by comparing yourself to others. Your existence is valid no matter what others do, say, or think, or how they live, or what they think about you. It's okay to be depressed. It's not your fault. You're not to blame for your feelings. Experience your feelings. Love your feelings. Love all of your imperfections the same way you would love your hypothetical child, unconditionally. This is where healing begins. As a side bonus: clear thoughts = clear skin. It may or may not be true, but become open-minded to that. Isn't it exciting that all these problems could go away when you start curing your depression? The mind-body connection is much more powerful than we think it is.
You need to look at two channels on youtube that will really help you. Sacred Sexuality Project is one and the other is Noah Church, not religion related just happens to be his last name. Good Luck
Thanks, but I've been well aware of those channels for a while now. They are helpful though. I love SSP's video on dealing with urges. Unfortunately today was nothing but another wasted day. I woke up late and felt bad about that, leading me to have little will to fight against my body just moving to the urge. After I gave into to the urge of course I felt awful and had no energy to do anything. That's how my days go. I wake up with my body craving PMO, give into it and I am just wrecked by a long and painful session, thinking that there is no way I could ever do this again. I get up the next morning and can't feel anything but the urge. I'll try to change, I'll fucking try.
Not sure if this will help you, but I've been addicted to masturbation for 14 years (ever since I was 7, almost the same as you)!!! I've been suicidal, numb, past feeling, can't feel love, self-hating, lethargic, unmotivated, fatigued, negative, hopeless, constantly anxious, socially pathetic, the list goes on and on and on...And I was like this ever since I was 12 (I'm 21). I needed the help of a Naturopathic Doctor to get me back on my feet (she found out I had hypothyroidism and SIBO, gave me hormone supplements, vitamins, fixed my diet, and other treatments) and A TON of emotional support from good, understanding friends. Recently I've joined a church and discovered the presence of a higher power, and that is helping a lot. I have hope and confidence that I can overcome this addiction to PMO, now. If I can find what I need to improve and change, I bet you can too!!
P.S. Also, reading your post got me all fired up. You talked about feeling hopeless and hating the situation you are currently in, but I think you still have fight in you. A lot of fight, in fact.
It sounds like you need to change your patterns of behaviour. Habit and addiction are so strong: it's no wonder the NoFap logo is a rocket blasting out of Earth's gravitational field. The pull is strong but rockets do make it and people do break free of addiction. It's almost the weekend: maybe go for a day out somewhere interesting on Saturday? Leave your phone at home. Give yourself every opportunity to have one good day with no access to PMO. One good day could inspire more. Be kind to yourself. Waking up late is annoying but don't take it out on yourself. That's part of the bad pattern of behaviour. Think how much easier yesterday would have been if you'd just forgiven yourself for oversleeping and gone and had a cup of tea instead. Be strong but loving with yourself, bro! ~Seb
My brother, are you properly preparing yourself for battle? And I'm not preaching when I tell you this. To beat porn/masturbation you have to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically prepared. Porn/masturbation addiction is a Fucking monster that for most of us, we have to beat alone. Our addiction is taboo. We can't tell our parents, friends, co-workers. Fuck man, I couldn't tell my wife, and I lost her because of this addiction. You have to prepare yourself to beat this thing. You must plan courses of action for the urges, withdraw symptoms, unexpected real world triggers that will come out of Fucking nowhere. Please pardon my language, but I really have to convey how difficult this journey is. Be ready for when the urges hit. There are a million things you can do; the first is remove yourself from the environment or room. Focus your mind away from it, begin the mental battle against it. Now, this is easier said then done, BUT, this is how it's won. Because you know what brother, it's not going to go away on it's own ( the urges and withdraw ). This thing will be with you for years, maybe a lifetime if you don't accept that beating this thing takes literally thousands and thousands of small steps. You will not beat PORN. I learned that the hard way. There will always be a hotter blond, a new Latin girl, a new threesome video, a new website with new teen girls, a black cheerleader, a hot new MILF. I have to be graphic cause I'm telling you Porn will always be there and it will Fucking eat you alive if you let it. It ate me alive. Brother if you are in the position to get outside help, do it. Forget the humiliation, the taboo, what people will think. If there is family, friends, professional help that will help you, please consider it. It's only bad and embarrassing cause that's what is implied in our brain. You need help, it's there; on the board or out in the real world. Stop at no cost to get it.
Failed again today. I pushed harder, actually exercised but for some reason couldn't capitalize on it and get the rest of my day going. Eventually my mind just turned and I find it as unbelievable as ever. I really cannot express how thankful I am that all you guys are here to support me even though you know I have failed literally hundreds of times...It is the only reason I'm don't feel like 100% garbage right now. @dannylomora No, I don't feel prepared. I used to be able to do that, get super motivated everyday after relapse and just keep pushing on. But now I have lost faith as I talked about in my first post. I find it hard to get motivated because I have so much evidence to support the idea that I will simply fail again. Today, the only thing that got me to exercise today was me imaging the person I really want to be, a true version of myself. But my belief in my being able to achieve that self faded somehow...I wish could hold on to that belief until it became reality in my own hands, but it has always eluded me, at least up until this point. I'm going to bed early tonight. I need to be 100% in if I'm going to beat this and it starts with getting up at a normal time, not losing any of my day.
Weight the pros and the cons and it's pretty clear you are better off without masturbation and porn. Your brain will lie to you and tell you the porn makes you feel good, but it's obvious that porn is making you miserable. Just use some pragmatism and stop looking at porn and wanking. I can also tell you that the longer you go without porn and wanking the clearer you will see how much better off you are without it, and the lies in your head telling you that porn makes you feel good will be that much more obvious as lies. Also, if you're exercising it's worth it to study how to workout. Effective exercise is not as simple as a lot of us think. This will give you something else to focus on as well.
I would agree about looking into the science of working out. I find small things like a spreadsheet of calories, carbs, protein etc. measured against my targets is really good at motivating me. Selecting the right exercises, the right number of days a week, perhaps getting in the gym in the morning so you're out of the house away from temptations...? Don't forget to make a note of your weight and fitness levels too so you can see how you improve! We're all with you, bro. If it helps, imagine the pride of telling the NoFap community about your first day of no PMO (in a while at least). Once you've got one day under your belt you'll be all the stronger for the future.
Also, dude, I'm not sure if you have the money for this but perhaps you should go and see an osteopath or masseur about your back problems. You could save it as a treat if you complete a month of no PMO. If you really did injure your back (doing what a huge number of men have tried to do, I will wager) you should get it checked out. It may also help you relax. Regular exercise is probably helping if you're warming up and stretching properly, though.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." -Captain Picard, Star Trek If I had a nickel for every day I did everything right, and still relapsed, I'd be a rich, rich man. Well, maybe I'd be able to afford a nice vacation, but that's beside the point. Listen, for most of us, reality is that we will fail from time to time. Some of us fail hundreds, or thousands of times before we get it right. It's all about your thought pattern after relapse. This forum sometimes has the attitude that you must recover as quickly as possible. My opinion is, whether you recover a year from now or 3 years from now, you're recovered either way. It takes years for some of us. Don't keep beating yourself up if you fail, failure is an inevitability in your life. Am I giving you an excuse to relapse? No. I'm giving you an excuse to love yourself after failure. Be very patient with yourself, and you will do this!
I'd like to say a strong hear, hear to scote73's post. Every day you win back from your addiction is a good day. Every time you berate yourself for failure you perpetuate the negativity that feeds the addiction.
Thanks so much again guys...I really can't thank you enough for this...Over the past year or so I stopped really opening up on the forum and opened up about my addiction to about 6-7 close friends (and my father). I don't blame any of them for this (instead the world we live in), but none of them offered consistent support. It's clear that they all think "porn addiction" is still a joke and the only support I got from them was cliches when I brought it up myself. For instance, I told one of my friends that porn addiction was ruining my life and told him of most of the symptoms I have experienced, so it was a long list. And he was nice about it and very supportive over text. I thought, just like many other times, I had found support. The next week when the addiction was talking I told him about this pornstar who looked like a girl in our school, even going as far as to link him a video. He didn't act any differently. After I finished to that same video, I knew I wasn't going to find any support in my friends (this was after I had told my father). It was extremely hard for me to tell my father, so when I did I wanted to make sure that he'd understand the problem and end it once and for all...But he researched it a little bit, and said these people all just had self-confidence problems, that porn addiction isn't really a thing. He didn't have time for the full YBOP video on YT. Basically he tries to run from things. Although he's a very good guy, he's also a very stressed one, and I don't think he wanted to accept that there could be something wrong with his son. All he did after that was ask me if "everything was OK" during the next few weeks, and of course I just lied to his face, saying that I hadn't watched porn since I told him. This was maybe a year and a half ago...I know I'm not innocent either, but I really wish he would've taken it more seriously in terms of the emotional pain and loneliness I was likely experiencing, it's not like he didn't know that was basically a teenage recluse for over a year by that point... --- Today I had the strongest morning I've had in a while. Today was going to be the day. I woke up, made my bed, exercised, took a cold shower, boom, everything was going great and I had a productive day planned. But even though I had already accepted and defeated that burning feeling in my stomach and mind multiple times today, I succumbed to it in the bathroom after telling myself that I was powerless to stop an HOCD fantasy (HOCD was never a part of my addiction until a few months ago, but recently it has strengthened as I feel my attraction to women fading completely...But it's not like I'm attracted to men either really...Just the components of a blowjob video...male genitalia, a woman's upper body/face...that's really all I have gotten off to in the past year; it's clear that I am wired to a type of porn and that is my sexuality right now, it's awful). Today could've been the day. I had the best morning I had in a while and after I finished I felt all that I raised up plummet on my shoulders. Thanks for the continued support. I hope I can change my life tomorrow. I'm sorry.
So true. Even if you start off the day good, only to end it in relapse, you've still started creating a new mode of living that will eventually snowball into going for days without PMO. There's nothing wrong with starting where you are. You need to be patient with yourself. You are a powerful being, and you have the capacity to make these changes.
