I am not who I want to be. I have become someone that I hate. I hurt myself and I hurt the ones I love. I'm 21 years old and I have been pursueing PMO for more than half my life. I first watched hardcore pornography when I was just 10 years old. I found out how to get payperview porn from my parents' cable, and became hooked. Eventually my parents got wise, but they thought my brother was the one buying porn. I admitted it was me, went through some hard times regaining my parents trust but eventually I did. Just so I could break it again. I found my way around every filter they put up and I was fapping to porn every day since about the age of 13. My family is pretty religious, so they taught me to wait until marriage to have sex. When I got into my first serious relationship at age 16, I quickly threw this notion away. My girlfriend was religious and wanted to wait for marriage, but I was persistent, and eventually she agreed. But it crushed me. I had been taught all my life that this was wrong, and what's more I pressured her into it and it crushed her too. Eventually I couldn't take the guilt and the shame, and I told my parents. Once again I had broken their trust but, I eventually earned it back. My girlfriend and I stayed together through this and eventually started having sex again. For some reason it was different the second time and we didn't feel guilt. Throughout this whole time I was still masturbating to porn at least once a day. When I was 16, I started an intensive study program to shave off two years of college. Porn became my crutch, the one way to deal with the stress. As is typical, eventually nothing quite did it for me anymore, and I started looking at escort ads. Once day, when I was 20, still with my girlfriend of four years, during a particularly dark part of my life, I visited an escort. It destroyed me. I felt like the worst person on Earth because of what I had done. Cheating on my girlfriend was the worst thing I had ever done, and I was launched into the worst depression of my life. This was the first time I had ever seriously considered suicide. After several months I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but I couldn't take the lies anymore. So I told her about my addiction, and about what I had done. Obviously it hurt her, but she knew that I wanted to change and she agreed to stay with me and help me. But like a fool I eventually stopped telling her every time I messed up. I got back into porn, my habit of masturbating every day, and I started looking at escort ads again. When I turned 21 this got even worse since alchohol could now lower my inhibitions. We got married this summer, and I thought maybe I would change, that I would stop. But I just kept getting worse. This brings me to last night. I should explain that we are long distance right now as we work in two different cities. Last night I returned from a family vacation to my city. I was drunk from the ferry ride and ended up getting a hotel because my phone was out of power and I wasn't thinking straight. Well one thing led to another and I had an escort join me. After everything, after all my second chances I mess up again. I don't know if I can change, but I have to. I have to be a better husband, a better son, a better man. And I can't do it alone. Please help me.
Hey this is a lot, not going to lie, but it's nothing you cant handle. Bits and parts of your story relate to mine, I was married, got drunk, slept with escort. My situation differs in wife was cheating on me as well, but later that night I tried to kill myself. Spent the next couple weeks in a psych ward. Anyways... I wasnt thinking clearly. I wasnt thinking about where it is I wanted to be in life and how I was going to get there. I kept thinking about other people and what ways I could manipulate everyone's life to make everyone happy, not realizing I only have the steering wheel of my own life. My wife left me, but i look back and realize we were shitty. I was a bad person not ready to be in that role and be that person. I also had an alcohol problem, and recently celebrated 3 years of sobriety. I am a better person, not perfect but growing. Hmu if you want to talk
