I need to but don't want to.

I was a success story. I decided to poke my head back in here because I found last time that this place helped a bit mostly because it gave me a place to vent frustrations and put my thoughts into writing.

I've been addicted since I was a teenager, probably around 14 or 15. I was quickly led down a path that took me into seedy chat sites where I engaged in cybersex, and given my ability to write fast and well I was a good "roleplay" partner and quite popular in some of my frequented rooms. I recognized that it was problematic behavior early, but things didn't quite reach a boiling point until after college. Topics, settings, themes were becoming more bizarre and extreme in my online sessions; it was causing ED and I was eventually caught by a girlfriend. The embarrassment was devastating, though the relationship needed to end regardless (she was toxic). I set out to quit, and did complete for nearly two years.

I managed to go over a year (starting about five years ago now) without PMO. I didn't focus on meeting someone right away, but it did provide many benefits to my life. I discovered a deep love of music, and now play four instruments. My instructor has made remarks about how quickly I've learned and my talent. I've discovered I'm good a drawing, I began to volunteer at a fire station again...and eventually I put myself out there and met my fiance. After we met I set out to attain a Master's degree, mostly through online coursework. It's been rigorous to the extreme but I'm at the point of starting my thesis. I've moved into positions of a lot more responsibility at work as well, and am making more money and am more financially secure then at any other point in my life.

All that is great, but my addiction has returned with a vengeance. It began two years ago...maybe three but I can't even remember now. I know my fiance feels like I've been less distant. She's gained a lot of weight and doesn't seem to care...which I've used as an excuse to turn to elsewhere to seek gratification. My thesis is looming, and my classes have been insanely stressful (reading a minimum of one book a week, but most often more than that with the addition of hundreds of pages of writing). When I first started again, I felt like I was in control. I felt like I could PMO just enough to distract myself from stress, but I could stop for a few days and recover...knowing I had to stay sexually active with my fiance to keep our relationship at a happy level of intimacy. It actually did work quite well for a time.

Over the past few months my ED symptoms have returned, though they subside if I avoid cybersex for five or six days. My problem is that I fling myself back into my chatrooms every chance I get. She left to visit her parents for Christmas and I spent two days doing nothing but engaging in my old habits. The topics of cybersex...the themes...have gone from dark to darker. I feel like much more of a creep than ever before. My biggest problem now is I both cannot seem to stop, nor do I care very much. I get fleeting moments of panic about how much I need to quit, but then I'm right back at it. Hell...in ten minutes I'll probably think writing this was stupid. I need to find a way to get back into the quitting mindset...to let my mind at least resist the temptation a little instead of telling me 'ah screw it'

My addiction is taking control of everything in my life. Music doesn't seem as interesting, and I've considered quitting my thesis. But, for most of the day I don't even care...its only occasionally that I seem to. It's like I've split my personality, and the part of me that quit before has been locked in a cage and only comes out infrequently.