I've been dealing with this issue since I was like 10 or 12, and I've been trying to stop for like 5 years on and off, never made it more than 2 months(In a relationship). now I'm single, and on hard mode. I can easily watch and manage the urges since I've taken meditation very regularly, and I'm feeling it's effects on my willpower. the thing that I do regularly is painting and drawing nude models, live or from the internet. I always avoid erotic or sexual photos, and all I'm doing is studying anatomy. It's not really a turn on when the context is anatomy and form, I don't feel anything except for maybe the first 1 or 2 minutes which is really rare, since the art models are not really attractive, don't wear makeup and try their best not to trigger anyone sexually. I've never fantasized about those models, or anything in that situation because my parents are painters too and I've grown up with this kind of nudity in my life. but my question is, is there anything happening inside my brain that I should be aware of? am I suppressing anything that I'm not aware of? can it be damaging to my goals?
Welcome to the forum! If you don't get sexually aroused when seeing and painting them, then why would you be worried? I suspect that, as you already have porn addiction, trying to go "clean" may eventually lead such encounters to become dangerous triggers. In other words, you will start get aroused by them. For a painter with no P addiction that would not be an issue, just a normal reaction. But for you it could become a problem. I am facing a similar issue myself, as I like drawing naked women, but not off live models. Now I am trying to get through a NF streak, and I keep asking myself whether I will be able to continue my hobby without causing a relapse. I don't know the answer to that yet.
@amean - taking everything you have said into account, I do not think that viewing nude models is a problem for you.
As a painter you're used to see lines and surface and light and texture, it's not at all like perving at some nude for what the model "looks like" or "suggests" (despite this having a fair amount of importance in your composition's mood but that's not my point). I've done a bit of nude photography and it's sort of the same approach : you're creating something out of models and lights and composition, it somewhat doesn't matter if the models are clothed or naked while you paint/photograph them. In this regard, I really don't think this is damaging to us, addicts. Just as @StunBaton said, as your P-induced desensitization recedes, you might start being aroused by things you currently consider mundane in your work with nudes, and that'd be perfectly normal. Being cut from a neverending flow of unrealistic bodies back down to the reality of the human condition kindda sets our expectations' and desires' clocks to the right position. I guess concentrating on your art may be a life-saver when these thoughts will come, or maybe getting temporarily rid of models you can't work with, until you can again? Reading your regular use of meditation, I believe you will be able to let these fleeting sexual thoughts flow and be centered on your art and on the moment. I used to compare them to the ebb and flow on a beach : Imagine you're standing on a rock there, stable, and around you the waves come covering the sand, then recede, then wash the beach again, and go, while you're still here, untouched, watching them come and go without disturbing you on your rock. Your canvas shall be your rock ^^ Also one thing you can try monitoring is what your nude working sessions provide you, in terms of enjoyment, energy, willpower, and other feelings. If you notice that these sessions have a tendency to get you in a state similar to what you've experienced with P (you start needing them to feel good, you're doing more and more, your artistic focus becomes more sexualized than it was, etc.) then maybe you're transfering your old habit onto that. But I doubt it will happen. About suppressing your thoughts or feelings, this kind of gently and kind monitoring will also give you more insight on what you're really feeling, why, and if you're suppressing something. Questions about what you feel that you can't answer after a few days are generaly interesting starter evidence. Don't get me wrong, you can't answer everything by yourself, sometimes external help or insight will be required. But at least if not having an answer troubles you, then that may be a lead to follow. Best of luck
Thank you for taking the time I'm not gonna make any changes in my actions for now, as you said, I've decided to monitor my emotions, thoughts and feelings and energy level during a session for now. then I feel like I would be able to judge better for myself if it's something that might lead to a relapse or not. the beach was a great example, i'd never heard of it
the thing with a live model is that you instantly feel the human element, and it instantly becomes more than a beautiful nude figure. I feel like painting from photorefs in somewhere like tumblr or deviantart is way more dangerous since it'll suggest similar photos, which usually ends up being erotic stuff that you might want to check out and... relapse...
Can't recall if I read it somewhere, I probably have ^^ It's the most powerful imagery that helped me in the early stages, when wave after wave of craving were unmanageable at first. I'm glad it can be of use for fellow fapstronauts!
I'd say have a very serious think about if this is linked to porn or masturbation for you - as mentioned, is it a possible trigger? If the answer is anything like 'maybe', then consider avoiding for a little while, at least until you're in a more stable place. Otherwise, it could be a good hobby to keep you distracted when times get tough. Good luck!
If this doesn't act as a trigger then I don't think there is a problem. Then at the same moment now that you are rebooting your brain will play tricks and it will also combat you with full force. But your brain is your brain you have to train it to avoid such things. From your point of view right now I don't think it as an issue, but if you make fuss out of it or overthink it the case may worsen. You said that you have taken mediation regularly it will help you a lot. For you its anatomy and form, so why bother now. In my opinion continue your journey of NoFap as you are doing right now, if any problem arises then you can act accordingly. Please don't put too much pressure on these thoughts believe I suffered form making fuss and overthinking, giving unnecessary weightage to things.
@amean Offtopic slightly but I paint with oils, the only thing is they take so long to dry. I love the texture, brilliance of oil, it looks so much better than acrylic, it is just the drying times that are killing me. Do you have any advice?
Thanks! the idea of maybe doing some clothed figures or male models for a while naturally came to my mind. but I guest I wouldn't put any restrictions in my work since disrupting the flow might get me back to the first place again.
indeed, I've come to the realization that all I have to care about now is I've avoided the relapse for "One" single day and that's it... after a while all these "ones" will become a month or two and i can use to momentum. the less I over analyze everything the better I can focus on what matters
haha i didn't know this would come up in this forum, but cool you can use alkyd mediums, like liquin or galkyd, I don't know what you have access to and where you are but if you could find none of these, you can go to your art supplier and ask for any oil drying medium.
I wouldn't worry about it unless it really turns you on. All the models I've ever drawn/painted have been unattractive so I never really had any issues haha.
Thank you buddy I'm looking for this today. Do you recommend putting a base layer, like burnt umber or just painting onto white. I'm loving oil, so much better than acrylic.
it's very dependable on your style, I usually start on older paintings, or i paint a base layer, it creates interesting unexpected surprises
