I think my boyfriend is addicted to porn / I just want to help

Your English is great.

I have some advice that is unique to your situation. Having an open line of communication with your boyfriend will be very helpful. You all need to find a way to discuss his PMO problem without your boyfriend getting defensive. You might want to have a conversation with him just about that topic, invite him to explain to you why he is defensive about the topic and how you all can talk about his addiction without the conversation devolving into a mess.

@Haggis seems to always have the right words for situations like these. And... he speaks from 200+ days of PMO free experience.

 

Welcome to the website, New Branch!

Your feelings of powerlessness and pain are understandable. Your boyfriend has an addiction. And like most addiciton he is needing more powerful stimulants to get of. That's why his porn usage has escalated to paying for escorts. His brain needs that dopamine hit, and when the cravings come he can hardly help himself. That, unfortunately, is what you are up against.

There is hope, however. But it has to start with him. You are right, he needs to feel that he needs to change. He needs to take the first step. He needs to do it for himself.

Have you thought of maybe sharing some of the information on yourbrainonporn.com with him? If he has trouble socializing, concentrating or memory problems, or problems with motivation, it might because of PMO. That was how I first started this journey. To improve some mental problems I have developed as a result of PMO. It's a good first step for someone who thinks he may want to quit, but doesn't have any motivation. It's better to get him to quit for his own reasons than to quit for your reasons. His will will be stronger if he wants to quit himself.

I'd recomend reading @Blondewife and @Haggis 's journals. They are a couple here who have struggled with many of these same issues. They are in a great place right now in their relationship and they have lots of good wisdom to bestow.

Also my I say thanks for your boyfriend's sake that you are not just abandoning him? I know what addictions like, it's hard to get out from. He needs all your support. Thanks again, and I wish you and your bf the best of luck!

 

It is good that he has done this. It sounds like he is using porn etc to cover up other issues. I thought he would give up everything when you found out. It is not easy to use this site if you are not committed to change. It is only he can decide that.

 

Hey New Branch! I'll speak to the quality of your English skills as well. I (like many if not most Americans) can't speak, much less write, a single coherent sentence in another language. So the fact that you can communicate in more than one speaks very highly of you

I also see some hope in your situation. Your boyfriend sounds like he is willing to change, which is a huge plus for the two of you. There are far too many stories on this site from wives and girlfriends who's significant other is unwilling to change and/or unwilling to accept that they have an addiction. The fact that your boyfriend recognizes what is going on for him will work heavily in your favor. The fact that he is seeing a counselor for his past emotional trauma also bodes well. The root of his issues clearly lies in the things that has happened in his past and once he begins to address some of those, it should help him to resist some of the harmful and dangerous methods he is using to cope with his emotional pain.

What you need to do right now is encourage him to get hold of himself before it progresses any further. There are any number of terrifying conclusions to a PMO addiction, and if he knows just how bad it can get, then that might help nudge him in the right direction. Things like PIED, STDs, legal troubles (for viewing underage porn or a prostitute), and a constantly escalating need for harder and harder porn are just the tip of the iceberg.

Things like that right there. I bet he never imagined himself visiting a prostitute a few years before that. But porn is a truly insidious addiction. As the addict becomes accustomed to "normal" images and videos, they begin to seek out more hardcore things and even hardcore experiences. There are plenty of totally heterosexual men who find themselves viewing gay porn and visiting male prostitutes because their body craves the dopamine that normal, heterosexual porn can no longer provide. It is an escalating addiction. Just like a heroin or cocaine addict requires more and more of the drug to feel the "high", porn addicts need harder and harder sexual experiences to get the same rush.

The best thing in the world he can possibly do right now is learn. He needs to read everything he can get his hands on right now. Yourbrainonporn.com is a fantastic resource, as are many journals on this website. There is a fairly inexpensive app for Iphones (and possibly Android phones too) called Brain Buddy that really helped me. It offers fairly short, concise lessons every day about the dangers and subtleties of porn addiction without overwhelming you with too much information all at once. Knowledge will be your boyfriend's primary tool in this fight, for you as well. I highly encourage him to begin his own journal here. He might not think it will help, I didn't think it would help when I started mine. But once I began to pour my feelings and experiences out, I realized that journaling is one of the most powerful therapies I've ever come across. Knowing that you aren't alone in your struggle and that there is literally an army of people on this one website with his exact problems helps you to feel less alone in your fight. I am more than happy to speak with your boyfriend in private if he has any reservations or hangups about posting a public journal (as would many other people on this site). We're all here for the same reason, and he will find no judgement from me. I've been to the depths of the ocean in my addiction and its no fun being there.

Having said all that, the burden is currently on him to change. He must want it. He must want it more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. It won't be easy, not by a long stretch. But the rewards of being free from the horrible bondage of a porn addiction far outweigh the fleeting benefit of giving in to the craving. And you deserve to have a loving, caring partner. Someone who is devoted to you and your needs as a woman and a partner. He can be that man. All he has to do is take the first step.

Stay the course.

 

Brilliant News That is just great news Continue to support him Once he gets going he will be delighted

If you continue your understanding and empathy by seeing what all us guys have to deal with then this will help a lot. For example @Limeaid is skilled in this understanding. She stays on the forum to support the men and women rebooting in order to develop and maintain compassion in her daily life.

 

That is wonderful news New Branch! I'm extremely glad that your BF is starting a journal somewhere that he feels comfortable. He's taking the first necessary steps, if he continues then you two have a great chance at success

And you are an amazingly supportive girlfriend. He is quite lucky to have someone as understanding as you by his side. Kudos!

Stay the course and Viel Glück!

 

STDs stands for Sexually Transmitted Diseases and PIED stands for Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. PIED usually develops from an overuse of porn. A porn addict gets used to watching a great variety of different things whenever he wants to. And when one thing gets boring to him, new material is just a mouse click away. It can make it difficult to become aroused by real women or their partners.

I am fortunate enough to have never contracted an STD, as my problem was with porn and not actual sex. I did, however, develop PIED and it is a very mentally-damaging problem. It hurts a man's self-esteem to his very core. And it causes a great deal of distress to his partner. Often she is insure if she is problem and fears that she isn't attractive enough. That is not the case, however. It is the addiction taking a deeper hold on the mind of the addict.

As far as having sex during your BF's reboot, that is a decision each couple makes for themselves. Some men find it more beneficial to abstain from sex for a month or two during the early reboot process, but others feel it is important to reconnect with their partner. Basically, that decision is entirely up to the two of you. It worked well for my wife and I, though

 

I think I may be experiencing PIED. I wasn't certain of the cause until I discovered this community. How was your struggle with PIED? Are you cured?

P.S. I'm on day 2

 

@New_branch :

I think you are at right place.Things will improve for sure.Just stay tuned,don't give-up,help your bf,support him,ask for support,respect yourself,keep yourself motivated and fight hard as things will get harder for him sometimes(and so for you as well) in this journey to make himself free from this addiction.Its a slow process,so don't hurry and it'll take time to reset his mind-body from this addiction but its totally curable/healable.

Bottom line:Education,self determination,dedication,affection and care can surely heal this.

Good Luck to both.stay on track!