Im close to losing it

Brother, take a deep breath with me. In, not with you lungs but stomach. Let the air fill you to the brim and hold for 1-2-3-4 gently exhale through the mouth. I have been on this path for years now, never making it more that a month. It sucks, believe me I can relate that this is not an easy battle. But to die, that's not going to get rid of the addiction. The addiction wants to steal you life. It wants you sitting at your computer daily draining yourself in an unholy ritual that fuels it. If you were to die, the addiction has taken your entire life. But by dissenting and making the hard, but right, choice to resist you will beat it. Maybe not the first run, maybe not the second. But you will win if you keep trying. 7 times down eight fucking times up brother. I am not saying it is easy. I would love to give in and not have to fight what feels like myself, but I know that the regret years later would crush me. Time waits for no man, and you are right. But I subscribe to the thought of not missed opportunities but of "if it is meant to be it will be". What feel like missed opportunities for me tell me what to work on. Why did I miss it? Am I not strong enough? Fast fast enough? Smart enough? Or am I simply not ready? Breath with me again, from you belly 1-2-3-4 and out slowly. This is the addiction teaming up with anxiety. This path is so bright that it can be blinding. We have no idea what true recovery looks like because neither of us have achieved that. PMO was such a large part of my life I almost can't imagine it without it. It is a bit frightening! But I have faith that my life on the other side will be even better if I continue. I hope these words helped. I recommend looking into some mindfulness exercises and learn to embrace the present, again this is not easy but it can ease thoughts of the future. Meditation also might be helpful. We are hear for you, the whole community wants you to succeed. Don't give up yet, you still have more in the tank. I know you do. You are strong. Strong enough to reach out for help on this site. Strong enough to recognize this addiction is not you. I know you can do this and I know there is a part of you that knows too. Stay the course, steel your resolve and give this addiction hell. I am here, others on this site are here and we will help!
-Abstainer

 

I don't want to downplay anything in this, because you're a valued member of the community. But you are 21 years old. I also have anxiety and worry about lost time... at 29 years old, I'm getting close to 30! Imagine being 30. No college degree. No gf. No house. On NF. And for a high achiever who demands a lot of himself, I'm feeling pretty alright - I've made peace with a lot.. there's still stuff I think about, like TURNING 30! lol. I've had to make peace with a lot. You've got time. Rest a while. Sit, close your eyes. Breath. Why do you feel behind? All your friends getting degrees or married? A lot of the young marriages don't last. Many people who get degrees when young wish they'd waited a bit. There's no real rush. Focus on taking care of yourself. A good diet. Good hygiene. Good sleep. Learn from others. Be a good person. And that will prepare you to readily get opportunities. Are you trying to become a billionaire? US president? Those are still obtainable... you're not behind at all.

 

Been relapsing almost every day since corona started (counter is fake). What I realized is that I must identify the problem first and then address it. Even today a short burst of desire and urges overcame me and i acted on them. We as men will never stop feeling sexual desires, only when we get older they will diminish but will not disappear even psychologically. There must be ahabit that is formed to help you when the urgesw come and not only that you must be aware of your emotions since they are the biggest trigger of all despir,sadness,unworthyness,loneliness can trigger relapsing way more hard than a physical sexual urge. This is what I've noticed, one can only hope I'll be able to withstand better in the future.

 

I know what you mean, it's tough. I can only advise taking small steps and working your way up to bigger things. You have to start somewhere.

Why not just edit the counter or remove it?

 

yep, no point for the counter sitting there deleted it from my signature, thanks for the kind words. I've received many kind words throughout the years but in the end it's a lonely battle, no one can stop you touching yourself other than... you

 

I get it. I think if you are struggling so much you should take every day as it comes. Try to get to just a few days without PMO. Then when you can do that consistently, aim for a week, then two. If you're, let's say, relapsing every two days, and you push that to every 4 days, you're relapsing half as much. That's something to be proud of.

 

Look man, your thinking about the past and the difficulties of today is not reality.

You are trying to analyze it with a busted microscope.

Trust me on this.

What solves it is investing in the hard mode reboot for 90 days. Be totally clean.

Go out and take care of stuff, the home, the bills, fitness.

But keep rebooting and let the weight of the reboot help you solve this stuff.

If being off of PMO caused Tesla to invent Alternating Current, you have this
same potential in your brain,
it can surely solve your life problems.

But you have to make that decision. Nobody can do it for you.

 

I believed. I truly believed. That I had no reason to believe anything would get better. Insecure. Awkward. No idea what I wanted to do. No peace in my heart. I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to exist. Just all of a sudden, be gone. I felt stuck in a muddy pit. There was no place for me. I'd never have a place. No one really cared about me. I was broken. I could never truly love. I could never truly enjoy life. I felt alive maybe one minute a week. I felt happiness maybe once a month, once every two months or three months, for half a minute, or several minutes. I felt like I was trying super hard. All. The. Time. I felt like I was running out of time. Falling behind. Relapses. I definitely have anxiety. I definitely overthink. I didn't want to be here if it was more of this.

But then it wasn't more of this.

Then I found the path that was designed for me. I found a job that I could actually be passionate about. Am I always passionate? Honestly, am I just still depressed but working thru this? Yeah. I found people who cared about me. When I separate myself from them, they ask after my wellbeing. I had a reason to believe things would get better. I still have times where I don't believe, but I do have a hope now. I wasn't the problem. I can be the problem, but I'm not the problem. I'm amazing. I still mess up, and do dumb stuff, and overanalyze it, and have anxiety over it.. but with enough tumbles, I've learned how to get up well. Those days are still good days. My faith in humanity is being restored. The people around me are flawed like me, but they are being nice to me and life is enjoyable. I'm not broken. I can love. I can enjoy life. My classmates think I don't have a mean bone in my body because I'm always laughing and smiling...

You.

You will find the path that is designed for you. You will improve. I know this. I have been there. Life sucked. The character strength that you build working thru that, will make you unshakeable. It sucks. It really does. There is nothing fun about that. There's nothing to believe about "character strength" hogwash. Until there is. Until you do get past it. My path may be your path. There may be character flaws you have, that you need to fix. Or, it could be that everyone around you sucks.

Sorry for focusing on myself a lot, I really connected and thought it would be helpful for you to see that path..

Feel free to PM, I should be back on tomorrow afternoon/evening.

 

Did anything happen to make it hurt more?

 

Everything will be fine, just focus on your goals and do not think that you are failing, everytime you relapse you are learning new habbits that you can overcome in upcoming times.

 

Screw them! If they ditched you, they weren't worth real friendship anyway.

You will show them! You'll rise above them and do something really great
with your hard mode reboot!

Get that reboot going, and you'll get the best revenge! Hahahahahaaaaaaaa.

 

I feel the same. I graduated a little later than my friends and they’ve already found jobs and apartments in new cities while I am unemployed at home with a very foggy “plan” for the future. It’s easy to feel anxious, aimless, and overwhelmed. I know that once I find a job, things will start falling into place. But the problem is that right now is a limbo I don’t know when I will escape. I know there is a way out of all this eventually, but the large periods of unproductive time where I’m not studying anything or making any money or trying anything new or meeting new people can be so isolating and drive me to PMO. It is an incredibly lonely and difficult situation, and it’s hard to see the other side clearly. The anxiety of it all is unbearable at times.

I think it’s good you’re posting here. I think having a support group is important. I understand so much of what you’re feeling. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way. Right now all we can do is keep our heads held high and keep pushing ourselves to be the best that we can be. Things will fall into place as long as we work towards our goals.

 

Anxiety can really whip our butts. How do you normally tackle it? To get some more info, are you talking about waking up from the addiction, or unaliving yourself? Is your anxiety wrongly telling you that there is no coming back from this? Always feel free to DM.