I'm just exhausted...

Hello. Been addicted to porn and masturbation for more than 7 years. Started in middle school, haven't really let up since then. The most I've gone without it (since it became an addiction) is two weeks.

I'm tired of being enslaved to it. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over my own body. I'm tired of going down weirder, creepier routes in porn to seek "completion." I'm tired of the shame. I'm seriously overweight, not handsome, and very shy - I feel tortured around girls (who aren't my friends), like I don't know where to look when I'm around them. I've always been one to stare, but I can't help but look at beautiful people and view them as some idealized nude in artificial porn. Does this sound crazy to you?

Just venting, sorry. But I do want to change. I nearly ended my life because of this. I want to change and I want to make it past two weeks. So exhausted.

 

Thanks for all the words. Gonna make a genuine go at it, starting tonight/tomorrow. Relapsed after posting initial thread - just automatically did it, without a second thought. I'll for sure start a diary, soon as I figure out the mechanics.

My strategy so far has been willpower, honestly. When I was religious, it was prayer/willingness to please God, but since I no longer have that kind of faith, the road's been hard. I don't think returning to religion will help me, but it did provide some kind of framework for remorse/fear of God's judgment. Yes, I reject the supernatural claims of all religions. However, I do miss the cushion of eternal forgiveness, imagined though it may be. The idea of taking up responsibility over my life is scary, I'll admit, but it's the only way to beat the urge. I might not cleanse myself of sin in preparation for some afterlife, and that's okay. I can do what I can right now, and all the moments to come, to live a better life in the short time I have on this earth. Daunting.

I tried Covenant Eyes, but as a college student, money is scarce. Any tips without cutting off Internet, media (these are essential, to a degree, to do well in school) are welcome.