Every single time I relapse, I'm just left feeling lonely, dejected, and tired. It's not like I even want to, it just feels like the only option sometimes. I am extremely lonely, and feel like I'll be this way forever, because even though I truly want real love, I just don't even know how to express my emotions without causing trouble. Like I feel like if I express any interest in anyone nowadays, I come across as creepy, even when I don't want to be. I'm scared that I'm never going to be able to find someone who never understands my mind. I mean, I don't even understand my own mind, how would it be possible for anyone else to? So I just feel hopeless and PMO lots of times feels the closest thing I'll ever have to being in a real relationship, even though I know it's toxic and horrible for me.
First of all: I relate with that. To be honest we've all been there. I suggest that you join a community / place. Church, gym, class... This way you can connect with people and make friendships. Focus in making friendships. Don't worry about Friendzone. Forget about the need of a girlfriend. Be complete on yourself. Focus on your mind and emotions. I suggest therapy. With lots of new friends you start to know more people and increases the chance to get to know a potential partner. And man... Fapping is really an illusion. And I know you know that. Wish you the best.
I'm going to therapy. I take medicine. The only hard thing is the making friends part. I have really bad social anxiety and shame. I just don't feel like making the effort to work on my social life because I always end up messing friendships up anyway.
Are you in a job or going to school? During spiritual growth there are phases of isolation. They feel bad, but eventually it is that feeling of loneliness that pushes you to being more open with people. I have been where you are now. And nowadays if I want to get to know someone, I can. You just have to have a full cup, meaning you have to have a life that you are not dependant on how people see you and that you are happy on your own. Then you can talk about hobbies and your interests with people and hear theirs. Dont expect to be some ultra social guy straight away, it tales time and mistakes that you learn from. People will not think that you are weird even if you feel awkward during the thing, they will just see that you are nervous. Dont be to hard on yourself and think that you are a creep if you cant speak with everybody everytime of the day. If you do not feel like speaking, dont speak. Speak when you feel like speaking, and I know the anxiety will build up during these times. But the quicker you say what is on your mind, the quicker tha anxiety goes away. Because after you open your mouth, the anxiety will eventually fade away.
That is 100% related to your addiction to PMO. So, let this be your motivation to stop masturbating to porn. Even within a few weeks you will notice that your shame will decrease and you will be less socially anxious. Your true self cannot be released all the while you are a slave to addiction. I can relate. We all can. In truth, it is a choice you are making. You can make the other choice and say, "NO!". It is not an easy route, but it is the pathway out of all this pain. It is your recovery journey from PMO and also to a much better life.
Can you elaborate more about that? That way you can spit it out what's inside and we are able to help! It's good you already attend therapy sessions.
I have only like 2 or 3 friends, all of them live miles and miles away. One lives on a different continent where I can't even contact him right now. Other friends I've either betrayed or been betrayed by. And then others, I just keep making stupid mistakes that have pushed them away forever... I'm just a horrible friend, and I really don't know how to be a good one.
Thank you. I know that PMO has made a bad impact on my life, but maybe it's making a worse one that I wasn't even aware of in my social life. It's hard to stay focused but maybe this is just another good reason why it's bad for me.
