This is my first post and I need to vent, sorry if this isn't the right place for this So I'm a 21 yo male college student (junior) studying to be an animation major. But I keep finding myself impeded by an addiction I can no longer turn away from. It's not normal porn either, but a non-sex based kink revolving around transformation (specifically humans turning into animals). NOTE: THIS IS NOT ZOOPHILLIA, I AM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ANY ANIMALS, I HAVE NOT AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF HARMING ANYTHING. The fetish usually revolves around physical mutation, hypnosis, identity death, and other factors as it's a pretty wide category. The content I enjoy is almost always SFW, those outside the fandom probably don't even register it as porn. The downside to that is nobody understands the extent of the hole I've fallen into, and it's easy to fool myself into thinking everything's fine. But it's completely destroying me from the inside out, and I can't ignore it any longer. I grew up Catholic, in a heavy abstinence culture that drove me away from normal porn. I was (rightfully so) disgusted by human porn and never fell into that trap. However, I was never taught constructive ways to control my urges, and when they hit I immediately began searching for something else to fill the hole. "No sex, no sin" was my mantra. Somehow I wound up in the TF (transformation) fandom, and I have no idea what twisted psychological void it fills but it did the trick. I patted myself onto the back, deluding myself into thinking I'd found a clever loophole. I wasn't a sinner! It was just an outlet for pleasure! Nobody was harmed, it's just a harmless fantasy, right? Big mistake. Fast forward to college, and I'm fairly certain this is ruining my life and mental well being. I'm autistic and have ADHD, which never helped things, but now I'm socially dead in the water. I can't form meaningful relationships let alone a romance. I'm afraid of people. My poor social skills and endless fear prohibits me from even trying. During the prime time in my life to be networking and forming lifelong connections I just sit in my room jerking off to the idea of growing a tail. I feel like a spectator who can do nothing but watch as my life slowly implodes from the inside out, doing just enough to keep up the illusion that everything's okay. I conditioned myself into this, and it's messed up my brain. And every night it sends my dejected dick to the bathroom to drown my sorrows in fantasies. I don't even know what's normal anymore. Oh, and I make content for this fandom as well, both art and stories. I've made a point of only making SFW content, and I never jack off to my own stuff. But I make commission work, so I have a financial incentive to stay in this. Now I probably have a whole bunch of mental issues that need to be sorted out, but I think my addiction is a large part of what's holding me back. After looking through the resources offered I'm fairly certain that my life will improve drastically if I can kick this habit. It's ruining my sleep and biological functions. I need to make my own life worth living so I'm not constantly getting off to the idea of being someone else. I need to re-wire my brain back to the straight dude I was born as. I want out. That's why I'm here. Has anyone else had similar experiences? Is there a different rebooting strategy for kinks/fetish addictions or a specific forum to discuss them? Any accountability partners with experience in this fandom? Am I making y'all uncomfortable or is this par for the course? I have literally no idea lol. Anyways, that's my story, I'd love to just talk, learn about myself, and hopefully drag myself out of this pit I've dug myself in. Sorry if I upset anyone, I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate it.
Hi, welcome here and thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Writing out things can be really helpful. I'm sure you're not the only one with the transform fetish. It will be hard for you to break free from it as you has made yourself dependable on it for your finances. But with little steps I know it's possible to develop a better life. All the best with the recovery!
Thanks for responding! There are others who are into it, but none I know of who are trying to escape, or even discuss it freely in depth. ;w; As for finances wise, I'm not completely dependent on it, but it's a big source of my spending money. Last summer I used my art money to fly cross-country to visit a friend, which was overall a really positive experience. It's also money I could use to better myself or seek therapy if necessary. It's also difficult because my TF account is way more popular than my other art site, so kink art is much more likely to get views/positive attention, which really helps against depression. Of course, that means I have to post often, which doesn't help at all. I could survive if I cut it out completely, but there's tangible benefits to staying in business as well as a fear of losing all that if quit. The issue is, I know that as long as I do so it's extremely unlikely that I'll pull myself out of my addiction, because I tend to jack off whenever I make a piece. One cause I'm horny, and two as a reward cause I pulled myself off my butt and did something. To achieve real progress I think I'm gonna have to go full reboot, so I'm likely gonna have to go cold turkey.
